Freddy Got Fingered (2001) – 5 Beers

I feel like I'm one of the few people that truly get Tom Green's bizarre sense of humor. When Freddy Got Fingered came out in 2001, it was savaged by critics, and instantly bombed at the box office. Everyone said it was the worst movie ever made. I don't even understand how anyone can say that. This is by far one of the funniest movies I have ever seen in my life. I was obsessed for years with repeating what I thought were hilariously funny lines to my friends. I can do a pretty damn good "OOOH, You can't stop ME, not with my CHEESE HELMET!" I've always enjoyed slapstick, probably ever since I saw The Gods Must Be Crazy when I was a kid. I also have a very obscure sense of humor, the more fucked up the better for me, and Freddy Got Fingered has this in abundance. After all these years, I feel that Tom Green never got the recognition he deserved. He is such a naturally gifted comedian, with a very original style, and willingness to cross the line. He even directed this movie and it turned out to be extremely well-made. The horrible reaction to his film hurt him deeply. When I listened to the commentary track, at one point he even says "I shouldn't even be doing this commentary", and the whole thing was just filled with sadness, hurt, and an all-together sense of discouragement. I felt so bad for him. He needs to be celebrated for his genius. He won several Razzie awards for this film, in almost every category. His talk show on MTV, called The New Tom Green Show, was cancelled after only four weeks. It was pretty much the only good thing on that channel at the time. Now he lives in obscurity in Panama, and does a live internet talk show that no one watches, and is constantly heckled by callers. Although, Freddy Got Fingered has become something of a minor cult classic this past decade. Many people will boldly say this is one of their favorite movies, no matter what anyone else thinks. It is even a favorite of the band Cannibal Corpse, who will watch it on tour again and again on their bus, and often talk it up in interviews. And if you look at the rating score on IMDB, it is probably the most divided one on there. 50% have given the film a 1, while another 50% have given the film a 10. It completely polarized the audience. So, it's always nice to know I'm not alone on loving this film. One time I even saw someone purchase a copy at a used record store. That made me very happy.

Starring Tom Green (III), Anthony Michael Hall, Connor Widdows, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Harland Williams, Julie Hagerty, Laurie Murdoch, Marisa Coughlan, Rip Torn, Scott Heindl, Stephen Tobolowsky, Drew Barrymore, R, 87 min., Directed by: Tom Green (III), Release Date: Apr 20, 2001, DVD Release Date: Oct 23, 2001, Box Office: $14.2M

Leprechaun 5: Leprechaun in the Hood (2000) – 3 ½ Beers

This is easily the best Leprechaun movie. This time it focuses on what the previous four movies were severely lacking - black people. The Leprechaun is trapped in stone once again, and unleashed when Ice-T (he's great in this) removes the medallion, freeing him. The rapper is only interested in his mystical flute, and fights off the Leprechaun by pulling a long wooden club out of his apparently magical afro. Once the Leprechaun is placed back in stone, the flute is then used to gain him a successful rap career and his own record label. This leads us to the three main characters - Postmaster P, Stray Bullet, and Butch; a rap-trio trying to make it big with a positive message in their music. They break into Ice-T's office and steal the magic flute, and accidentally release the Leprechaun. Leprechaun is more fun to watch in this movie, as the embodiment of Irish folklore is let loose in a completely urban setting. Leprechaun's rhyming limericks are back, showcasing that the movie is actually pretty well-written this time. When he meets a drag queen he says "I'm not here for fruit, I'm looking for me magical flute". There's also a killer scene where he smokes pot for the first time, saying "A friend with weed is a friend indeed". The Leprechaun movies have always been intentionally funny and there are plenty of laughs in this one. The Leprechaun will disappear for long stretches in the movie, but at least the 3 main characters are interesting enough this time to carry it. Props for using the 3 rules for defeating the Leprechaun established in each of the first three movies. Four-leaf clovers are used, with the genius idea of rolling them into a joint this time and getting Leprechaun to smoke it. A wrought-iron safe once again traps him (although he is soon freed by his "zombie fly girls".) And of the course the medallion that turns him into stone. We're also treated to a classic music number where Leprechaun raps. The only complaint I would have is Coolio getting top billing for his 10-second cameo. The most interesting thing that happened with me and this movie though is that I actually had to buy it because it wasn't available on Netflix for some reason. 2 days later, on The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien (doing a new sketch where he is trying to become the new Oprah by recommending horrible B-movies instead of books), Leprechaun in the Hood is the featured recommendation of the night. I loved this weird coincidence! This made almost every copy of it almost sell out on Amazon overnight and its popularity soar to 235% on IMDB. The next 2 nights he recommended parts 6 & 4. So it's great to see Leprechaun having a sudden revival. I've become such a fan now that I would love nothing more than to kidnap Warwick Davis, make him put on his Leprechaun costume, and force him to drink with me.

Starring Warwick Davis, Ice-T, Anthony Montgomery (Hey! He was the black guy on Star Trek: Enterprise!), Rashaan Nall, Red Grant, Directed by: Rob Spera, DVD Release Date: 3/28/00

Leprechaun 4: In Space (1997) – 1 Beer

Wow. I feel severely brain-damaged after watching this. It's shockingly bad. It starts off good enough - Leprechaun is on a distant planet 1,000 years in the future (for no apparent reason), which makes the next 2 installments prequels. He has kidnapped a beautiful alien princess, and marrying her will make him King of the Universe. The twist this time is that she's actually into him. Once he promises to make her rich beyond her wildest dreams she falls in love with him just like Anna Nicole Smith did with that zombie billionaire. She becomes his evil sidekick throughout the movie; and it's pretty awesome to finally see the Leprechaun teamed up with someone. But then the "Space Military" comes and steals his gold, and his bride, and go back to their spaceship. It's pretty awesome that the Leprechaun's cane in this one doubles as a lightsaber; but we only see him use it once which is disappointing. The movie just goes downhill from there. Although, we are introduced to the ridiculously-named Dr. Mittenhand, who is shockingly similar to Austin Powers' Dr. Evil. The bald head, mannerisms; just the way he speaks. This came out before Austin Powers, and if you watched Saturday Night Live in the early '90s it was evident that Mike Myers was a big Leprechaun fan. It's pretty obvious that Dr. Mittenhand was the inspiration for Dr. Evil, which is shocking. Later he turns into a mutant spider, apparently just because Leprechaun puts a spider in a blender then injects his brain with the goo. The special effects are so awful that you're constantly reminded of how low-budget this is. The exterior of the ship is a poor animated 3-D graphic. Even the props suffer from the low-budget; the biologist's medical scanner is just a metal sheet with a small calculator glued to it. The Leprechaun is also painfully underused, and his lines are not as catchy; plainly because the script is so badly written. At least nothing he says is as cringe-worthy as the bad dialogue exchanged between the marines. The best dialogue is when the black guy acts like a minstrelsy stereotype from the '30s, saying stuff like "Oh lordy, it sure is dark in here" and "Feet don't fail me now". And just like in the first one, none of the characters seem to realize that their weapons CANNOT HURT THE LEPRECHAUN, and never stop trying to shoot him, always confident that this will finally kill him. The first act and set-up was pretty good (it WAS a great idea to put Leprechaun in space), but the 2nd and 3rd act plod along deteriorating the movie badly. I couldn't stop groaning, and couldn't wait for it to be over. But I have pretty high hopes for the next installment, "Lep in the Hood".

Starring Warwick Davis, Miguel A. Nunez Jr. (Hey! He was the black guy in Return of the Living Dead!), Rebekah Carlton, Brent Jasmer, Debbe Dunning, Directed by: Brian Trenchard-Smith, DVD Release Date: 2/27/01

Vamp (1986) – 2 Beers

Grace Jones only starred in about 3 big movies in the '80s, and then just seemed to fall off the face of the earth. But she sure made one hell of an impression. Who could forget her as the villain-turned-good-guy in the James Bond movie A View to a Kill? Or as the savage coon woman in Conan the Destroyer? Grace Jones was a delight to watch, and in 1986's Vamp, she's basically the only reason to see this. Vamp is not a bad movie, just slow-paced, boring, and ill-conceived. I wanted to see this movie 24 years ago so I guess it's a relief to know I wasn't missing anything. The story is about 2 college guys who are trying to get into the hottest fraternity on campus, so they have the brilliant idea to hire a stripper to show off at the frat party. They find a stereotypically bad Asian driver and the 3 of them take his car 200 miles (!) into the city. This is where they find the After Dark strip club, after having a bad run-in with the local albino gang (WTF?). The gang is led by Billy Drago, who I instantly recognized as the voodoo guy from a very good X-Files episode. He has such a gaunt, freakish-looking face that is hard to forget. He kind of looks like an ugly David Bowie. But back to the club, Grace Jones takes the stage in a very exotic performance where she appears in white-face with a giant red clown wig. When one of the guys goes backstage to fuck her she turns into the goofiest-looking vampire I've ever seen on film, and sucks him to death. Meanwhile the friend accidentally eats a cockroach out of the club owner's candy dish, which is the 1 image that always stuck in my mind from the preview I saw way back in the '80s. The movie moves very slowly; it seems to take forever to find out that the whole club is full of vampires, what the albino gang is up to (nothing), and the other guy running down the street and back to the club and then back again looking for his friend (who is dead, then a vampire, then dead again, then alive). And every time Grace Jones appears in another scene she is in a new crazy-looking outfit. The vampire make-up is horrible, the blood, or lack-thereof, is too fake, and you never get invested in any of the characters. Probably the worst vampire movie of the '80s.

Starring Chris Makepeace, Brad Logan, Dedee Pfeiffer, Gedde Watanabe, Grace Jones, Billy Drago, Directed by: Richard Wenk, Release Date: 7/18/86, DVD Release Date: 8/21/01, Box Office: $4.7M

Leprechaun 3 (1995) – 3 Beers

I don't remember the Leprechaun being turned into stone in the last one, but that's how he begins in Leprechaun 3 - a stone statue kept in place by the magical medallion around his neck. He's dropped off at a Las Vegas pawn shop, where the owner immediately makes the mistake of removing the necklace, thus freeing the Leprechaun. This time the only thing that can stop the Leprechaun is the medallion, and the whole wrought iron thing established in the second one is thrown out the window. And the cool twist this time is that whoever is in possession of his missing gold shilling can grant themselves one wish. Leprechaun always seems to lose that 1 gold shilling out of his pot at the beginning of every movie, and the whole thing is always about him trying to get it back. It was kind of a good idea to set this one in Las Vegas, which thrills the Leprechaun with casinos and the chance to take everyone's gold. The main characters are Scott, a young guy on his way to California to go to college, and this hot chick who is a magician's assistant. Scott makes a bad mistake by losing his 23 thousand dollar check gambling, but when he finds the Leprechaun's missing coin, he wins it all back and more with a simple wish. This leads to many greedy people stealing the coin from eachother and making wishes that never end well, with the Leprechaun always arriving too late to get it back and killing it's previous owner. The funniest one was where he enlarges a chick's breasts, ass, and lips until she explodes. But probably the silliest thing about the movie is when he bites Scott and accidentally bleeds into the wound, which slowly starts turning him into a Leprechaun. No, he doesn't turn into a little person with good make-up effects; instead they glue a little hair to his face and give him a unibrow, and have him start talking in rhyming limericks. Leprechaun 3 lacks the constant laughs of the 2nd one, suffers from a bad screenplay, but seeing Warwick Davis once again bring this fun character to life still makes it entertaining and worthwhile. We're treated to another good death scene at the end. Was that actually a midget stunt person levitating with wire work completely on fire? Yes, yes it was.

Starring Warwick Davis, John Gatins, Caroline Williams, Ian Gregory, John DeMita, Directed by: Brian Trenchard Smith, DVD Release Date: 6/1/95

Leprechaun 2 (1994) – 3 ½ Beers

Wow, this is amazingly better than the first one. First off, there's a good story this time. It begins 1,000 years ago in Ireland, where you get to see the malevolent Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) in his element. After getting his last gold coin back from a drunken Irishman, he reveals his plan to wed a bride. If she sneezes three times without anyone saying "bless you", she becomes his. When the girl turns out to be the Irishman's daughter, he says "bless you" after her third sneeze and the Leprechaun must wait another 1,000 years where then he will try to marry her ancestor. So 1,000 years later he appears in the city to do just that, on his birthday no less - March 17th (St. Patrick's Day). The Leprechaun is totally awesome in this one. His rhyming limericks are great, and his magical powers of telekinesis, teleportation, and illusion are in full effect. Plus, this time he attacks anyone with gold on them and adds it to his pot. He rips out a bum's gold tooth and later snaps off a guy's finger to get his gold ring, after he made the fatal mistake of thinking the Leprechaun was a street performer. You're also treated to a great scene where the Leprechaun tries to drink someone under the table in a bar, while a group of midgets cheer him on. It's pretty funny to see him completely wasted, trying hard to levitate an ashtray and failing at it. The best part though is his kick-ass, pimped-out go-cart, adorned with skulls and an anti-four leaf clover sticker, which he uses to mow people down. The Leprechaun can only be hurt by wrought iron this time (which is actually from a true myth about it being the only thing that can hurt leprechauns and fairies.) It's a great idea when they trap him in an iron safe, but then one of them has an awful idea to force the Leprechaun to grant them three wishes, which ends in blood. Leprechaun 2 is a superior sequel jam-packed with constant laughs, and obviously sparked a long-lived franchise. I love Willow, but Warwick Davis has never shined more in a role than when he played the Leprechaun.

Starring Warwick Davis, Charlie Heath, Sandy Baron, Clint Howard, Directed by: Rodman Flender, Release Date: 4/8/94, DVD Release Date: 1/5/99, Box Office: $2.2M

Leprechaun (1993) – 2 Beers

This came out the first week of January in 1993, and on Saturday Night Live Wayne and Garth made the joke that it was the best movie of the year (since it was the only one out so far). Wayne also used to scare the shit out of Garth by putting a flashlight to his face and going "IT'S THE LEPRECHAUN". LOL I remember seeing this crappy movie back then, but never bothered with any of the sequels. But after seeing the Troll movies last week, I decided to put all 7 of them to the top of my Netflix queue. What, am I going to rent all the Ghoulies and Critters movies next? Probably. Leprechaun is probably most notable for being Jennifer Aniston's first movie. It must have been hilarious when she auditioned for Friends and Leprechaun was the best thing on her resume. They were probably like, "You were in LEPRECHAUN!? You're hired!" Leprechaun is played by the world's most popular midget, Warwick Davis, who ruled as Willow and the lead Ewok in Return of the Jedi, Wicket. I always heard that little people only live to be about 35 years old. But Warwick Davis is well into his 50s now so he must actually be an immortal leprechaun. So he wears no make-up in this movie, that's what he actually looks like. The movie is simple, you take the Leprechaun's gold and he comes at you with a vengeance. Nowadays though, you're more likely to find a gay orgy at the end of a rainbow than a pot of gold. When the fat retarded guy accidentally swallows a piece, it makes it impossible to give back all of the gold to the leprechaun (which is all you have to do to make it go away). The fat guy is played by Mark Holton, who you might remember best as the fat evil guy from Pee Wee's Big Adventure. He also played serial killer John Wayne Gacy (not John Wayne Bobbit, who had his penis cut off, and didn't eat them like Gacy did). The film is extremely hilarious. There is nothing funnier than the image of people screaming and running away from a ridiculous-looking 3-foot-tall midget in a leprechaun costume. The best part is how they can distract it by throwing shoes, since he has to stop and shine them all. Funny, but crappy movie. This can't be the best one, right? Part 2 should be better.

Starring Warwick Davis, Jennifer Aniston, Mark Holton, Directed by: Mark Jones, Release Date: 1/8/93, DVD Release Date: 9/20/99, Box Office: $8.5M

Twilight (2008) – 1 Beer

Wow, my friend Carl finally got one of his books made into a movie, since this was obviously based on The Faggiest Vampire. I had to FORCE myself to watch this movie and finally caved in after a year, and I feel like you'd have to drag me kicking and screaming to see the new one. (I must go willingly though like a moth to a flame.) Twilight begins with a teenage girl named Bella moving from Phoenix to a small, rainy Washington town called Forks. She moves in with her gay cop father who is obviously a pedophile as evidenced by his thick moustache. She becomes instantly popular at school, but quickly turns her goo-goo eyes to mysterious and pale Edward Cullen. When he stops her from getting crushed by an out-of-control car with just his hand, she starts to become suspicious that he is supernatural. Eventually she figures it out and says "OH MY GOD! You're a VAMPIRE, aren't you!?" and he replies "OH MY GOD, I know, isn't it just FABULOUS?" Then he gives her a piggy back ride up to the top of a mountain, running up there super fast like The Flash. I laughed my fucking ass off! It's ridiculous that the vampires in this can go out in the daytime, but apparently they can only do so when it's overcast. Because, if god forbid, they do go out in direct sunlight, they do not burst into flames but instead their skin sparkles like beautiful diamonds! OK, Rainbow Bright, that goes straight to #1 on my top ten list of the gayest things I've ever seen in my life. It's also revealed that Edward became a vampire 100 years ago by getting a big hickey on his neck by Peter Flaccidnelli. Edward never fucks Bella, because she's really just his "beard" and a big fag hag. When some bad vampires set their sights on Bella, they have to run and hide from them or they'll pin her down and give her big hickies. The movie constantly pissed me off by butchering all the rules of vampire mythology. I already mentioned the being out in the daylight thing, but they also don't sleep in coffins (they don't sleep at all), they don't have fangs, and they don't need to be invited into your house to enter. Twilight also moves at such a painfully slow pace and is just flat-out boring as hell. I've always been into seriously fucked up and violent vampire movies, like Near Dark or Blade II. I'm also a big fan of the Sookie Stackhouse novels, which the superior vampire show True Blood is based on. They're just full of serious sex and violence. Twilight is just an adolescent and light vampire franchise obviously directed at teenage girls. That Robert Pattinson has become this huge heartthrob overnight is even more ridiculous than when it happened to Leonardo DiCaprio when Titanic came out. Apparently girls go crazy over faggy-looking men who go through their whole lives being mistaken as women. Robert Pattinson looks like he was hired fresh off the set of a gay porn, probably called "Twinks Gone Wild". I don't think I've ever been more insulted by a movie in my life.

Starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Peter Facinelli, Taylor Lautner, Directed by: Catherine Hardwicke, Release Date: 11/21/08, DVD Release Date: 3/21/09, Box Office: $191.4M

Troll (1986) – 3 ½ Beers

I remember liking this film when I was a little kid, and my mother apparently thought it was OK for children. I was happy to find that when I rented Troll 2, the worst movie ever made, that the original was on the disc's flip-side. Troll is about a happy family that moves into an apartment building in San Francisco (you know it is San Francisco because the exterior has a cheesy matte painting of the Golden Gate Bridge behind it). The bad part is, that they move in on WALPURGIS RITES HEXENWAHN day. So when the young daughter goes to play in the basement, she is immediately kidnapped by a magical, evil troll. The troll turns into her and goes out into the building to wreak havoc. Only the brother is suspicious. He meets an old lady who turns out to be a witch who was once a princess, and looks to her for guidance. Meanwhile the troll goes from apartment to apartment turning the tenants into pod people, which create mass vegetation, and gives birth to new trolls. Once every apartment is turned, the building will turn into the 4th dimension. Sonny Bono is his first victim, and then real-life married couple Julia Louise-Dryfus (shocking that she is in this) and Brad Hall. I wonder if the couple actually met on the set of this movie or if they were together before that? The funniest thing about this film is that the father's name is actually Harry Potter. This came out far before any of the books, so you wonder if J.K. Rowlings saw this movie and took the character name for her wildly successful Harry Potter franchise. Probably just a coincidence though. The trolls actually look pretty decent in this, and there's a great musical sequence where they all sing. The midget in the building, who dreams of being an elf (and gets his wish), also plays the lead troll. The story is pretty good, the special effects are decent for it's time, but I wonder how they could've fucked up the sequel so bad. I think I heard the filmmakers never even saw the original.

Starring Noah Hathaway, Michael Moriarty, Shelley Hack, Jenny Beck, Sonny Bono, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Brad Hall, Directed by: John Carl Beuchler, Release Date: 1/17/86, DVD Release Date: 8/26/03, Box Office: $4.5M

Troll 2 (1990) – 2 ½ Beers

Troll 2 is notoriously known as the worst film ever made. There is even a documentary coming out soon on it called "Best Worst Movie". It is one of the most totally awesome bad movies I've ever seen, but in a good way. People even have Troll 2 parties! I didn't think it was that bad really. I mean, it wasn't nearly as bad as The English Patient or Schindler's List. Troll 2 is about this goofy family that moves to this small town named Nilbog, with a population of about 23 people. The young boy constantly has long conversations with his dead grandfather, who warns him about the dangers of goblins. So when the family arrives at the house and there is a feast awaiting them, the grandfather actually stops time and urges the boy to stop his family from eating. So he pisses all over the food, which leads to the funniest part of the film. His father takes him up to his room, closes the door and starts unfastening his belt. The boy screams "What are you going to do to me daddy?!". It looks like he's obviously going to molest the shit out of him. But no, he just fastens his belt a notch to "fight hunger pains". The movie is this bad! Apparently if you eat the green food of this town you become half-plant goblin food. More LULZ ensue as the boy discovers the town name of Nilbog is actually "Goblin" spelled backwards. There's a witch behind everything, and some crap about the power of Stonehenge. The movie is constantly laugh out loud funny, in an unintentionally hilarious way. The acting is so bad you'll be smiling the whole time. The goblin costumes are so horrible they look like poorly made Halloween costumes. But the movie is so entertaining you'll have a lot of fun. Check out this montage of the funniest moments - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jqp9eXgXYHU

Starring Connie McFarland, Connie Young, George Hardy, Directed by: Claudio Fragasso, Release Date: 10/3/1990, DVD Release Date: 8/26/03, Currently #55 on IMDB’s Bottom 100 list

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) – 1 ½ Beers

Halloween III is that ridiculous sequel to the Halloween franchise that had nothing to do at all with the first 2; it's like they just stole the name. Michael Myers isn't even in it (maybe he was on vacation?) It doesn't even take place in the same continuity of the first 2 films, since the original Halloween is seen playing on TV 2 different times during the course of this film. That's worse than when in Hellraiser 8 a kid was wearing a t-shirt of the first Hellraiser movie at a party. It's just ridiculous. Not as ridiculous as the plot here though. It's about a conspiracy from an Irish Halloween mask-making company who puts special microchips in their masks that when getting a TV signal will turn the wearer into bugs, snakes, and earthworms. The person will just ooze the crap. Which makes no sense. Not to mention the company employs robots fueled by the power of Stonehenge and witchcraft. Why does the villain want to kill millions of people? "A joke on children" he says. Which is hilarious. The story follows a doctor and this chick whose father died trying to uncover the conspiracy, which is just what they both try to do by going to the town where the masks are made and investigating, which makes 90% of the film very boring. The special effects are horribly funny, like when this girl tampers with the microchip from the mask and a lazer beam shoots into her mouth. I was never a fan of the original Halloween franchise (does this one even count?) but this was worse than Part VI (or 666) where it was revealed that Michael Myers is a druid (hey maybe that had something to do with Stonehenge being in this movie). Following sequel, where Michael Myers returns, was awful as well, as was part 8 - which was a reality show about Michael Myers. The only good ones were the first 2, which even being the big horror movie buff I am, hardly don't consider classics.

Starring Tom Atkins, Stacey Nelkin, Dan O’Herlihy, Directed by: Tommy Lee Wallace, Release Date: 10/24/83, DVD Release Date: 8/31/04, Box Office Gross: $12.8M

Madhouse (1990) – 3 Beers

Madhouse is a wacky, screwball comedy that came out after the death of the '80s but still retains the spirit of that decade. It even has one of those cartoon opening titles sequences like Mannequin and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Kirstie Alley (who was a big star on Cheers at the time) and John Larroquette (big star on Night Court at the time) play a yuppie couple who has just bought a nice new house in Santa Barbara and are living the dream until relatives come to visit. First it's Larroquette's cousin, whose wife is the most annoying bitch ever, then it's Alley's sister, a gold digger who has been kicked out by her rich Arab husband, who she calls a towelhead and sand nigger. Things are only mildly annoying at first, but escalate in absolute madness as the sister's drug czar teenage son moves in and the neighbor and his 2 hellion kids have to move in after Alley and Larroquette accidentally burn down their house. The things they do to the couple and their house are hilariously outrageous, and they're even forced to live in a tent eventually in the back yard with a Port-A-Potty. You wait a long time for the couple to stand up for themselves, fight back, reclaim their house and get their revenge, but don't worry; it's coming, in an awesome climax that will have you cheering. This is one of the last skinny Kirstie Alley films (this and Sibling Rivalry which came out a year later), and she looks sexy and beautiful in this. She even does a striptease and her stomach looks totally flat. She gained 200 pounds after promptly devouring the entire cast (really, has anyone seen or heard from these people in 20 years?), and eating everyone on Cheers and replacing them with pod people. John Larroquette dyed his hair dark for this (remember how white it was on Night Court?), and Dennis Miller shows up with that great mullet he rocked for years back then (you know, when everyone liked him). This is probably the best "Houseguests from Hell" movie, but they should remake it into a black comedy where the houseguests are slaughtered at the end.

Starring Kirstie Alley, John Larroquette, Dennis Miller, Directed by: Tom Ropelewski, Release Date: 2/16/90, Box Office Gross: $21M, *Madhouse not available on DVD

Bright Lights, Big City (1988) – 2 Beers

Back in the '80s I always thought Bright Lights, Big City was some really dark drug movie, like latter films Trainspotting or Requiem for a Dream would turn out to be. It's definitely not. It's about a New York City writer played by Michael J. Fox who struggles to work at a big magazine while enjoying the city's nightlife till early hours of morning and being a total cokehead douchebag. The film is not dark, but tries and fails to be a comedy very often, like when he puts a ferret in his bosses office. The bad influence on him is pal Kiefer Sutherland, and in the '80s he was always the bad boy vampire or greaser gang member, so he was typecast here. Also, his sexy model wife (played by Phoebe Cates) has left him, and his mother has died a year ago (played in sappy flashbacks by Dianne Wiest). I liked some Michael J. Fox films back in the day, like Doc Hollywood or The Hard Way, but this has to be his worst movie from that time period. It's utter crap. Boring crap. It's funny how just from getting a nosebleed in the end he decides to turn his life around. People thought the '80s were the major drug period but drug use has actually tripled since then. And I'm shocked Michael J. Fox was not a celebrity causality this summer. He just has Parkinson's Disease though, which cause your body to shake all over. Every morning after my ritual pot of coffee when my hands shake I like to tell people I'm doing my Michael J. Fox impression. He quit acting to crusade for rights for people with Parkinson's Disease or something, but maybe he should make a comeback and make a sequel to this called "Strung Out and Dying".

Starring Michael J. Fox, Kiefer Sutherland, Phoebe Cates, Swoosie Kurtz, Frances Sternhagen, Dianne Wiest, William Hickey, Directed by: James Bridges, Release Date: 4/1/88, DVD Release Date: 8/5/03, Box Office Gross: $16.1M

Rosemary’s Baby (1968) – 4 ½ Beers

Some people think that Roman Polanski is SUCH a great director, one of the best of our time, that he should actually be ALLOWED to rape children. He was recently arrested in Switzerland for his 31-year-old crime of raping a child, and so many obnoxious Hollywood snobs are clamoring for his release, because he's such a great director and it doesn't matter. Dude, he fucking raped a little 13-year-old girl, raped her in the ass and everywhere, totally fucked her six ways to sunday. He should fucking rot in jail. Maybe it's OK to stand by Rosemary's Baby though, since it came out in '68, a decade before his rape crime. I was talking to my mom about this movie before I watched it, saying that I knew it was about Mia Farrow getting pregnant and it turning out her husband is part of some satanic cult, so she thinks her baby is the Antichrist. When my mom said, "IT IS!" I knew I would love this movie. The movie is long, but a masterpiece, and everything is going so great and nice for about an hour until she is DRUGGED AND RAPED BY SATAN. It takes a long time for her to figure out the huge Satanic plot against her, because she's dumb and naive as fuck, so kudos to her for figuring it all out. It's sad no one can help her. But of course back then women did what they were told, so if you're going to force your wife to have Satan's baby, you damn well expect her to and not mouth off about it. I'll spoil the ending because I'm sure everyone has seen it, but the baby does turn out to be the antichrist, with demon eyes and hands and feet and everything, and maybe because of her shock, I don't know, she breaks down and decides to be mother to it. That was crazy! She should've killed it! But it would be advantageous to have a Satan baby I guess, no one would fuck with you. Polanski did a similar themed movie about witches in The 9th Gate, starring Johnny Depp, and that was a cool movie as well. He also did The Pianist, which won a bunch of Oscars. So, yeah, he's a great director. Too bad he's a sick perverted pedophile child rapist. Oh and I should rent that other old movie, Sophie's Choice. That's about Satan's baby too, right?

Starring Mia Farrow, John Cassavetes, Charles Grodin, Directed by: Roman Polanski, Release Date: 6/12/68, DVD Release Date: 10/3/00

Transsiberian (2008) – 4 Beers

This is the "new" film from director Brad Anderson, who did The Machinist and Session 9. I just watched Session 9, and this blows the shit out of that, and it’s almost as good as The Machinist; which is one of the best movies ever. Woody Harrelson and Emily Mortimer star, and it was a weird contrast to see Woody Harrelson play a kind of boring, church-going train enthusiast after seeing him as the wild zombie killer in Zombieland. They play a married couple taking a vacation on a train going from China (where they help poor children) to Siberia. They hear terrible tales of Russian police brutality and drug smuggling. So when their bunkmates appear, a sexy Spaniard and his white girlfriend, you immediately suspect them of something. There's a lot of foreshadowing in this, and I can't really tell you anything without ruining it, but it turns out to be a very tense, unpredictable movie. Russia is a very fucked up place, and Americans should never go there. And you should never trust strangers on a train. But I sure wouldn't mind trying some of that great Russian vodka, which I've never had. But I've been weary of Russian vodka since I was a child, way before I started drinking, and I saw 1988's Leviathan, where an underwater station crew finds an old bottle of Russian vodka and it turns everyone into a sick, beastly monster. That thing was fucked up! It had all these mouths, and tentacles, and fucking ate everyone! Ben Kingsley and Thomas Kretchman show up later as 2 Russian narcotics officers, and I can't say anything about them without spoiling the movie. Just check it out, it's very excellent. And if you like some good sci-fi horror check out Leviathan. It was one of the first movies to be released at the same time as another one with the same concept; I think the other one was called Deep Star Six or something. Sans Russian Vodka.

Starring Woody Harrelson, Emily Mortimer, Ben Kingsley, Eduardo Noriega, Kate Mara, Thomas Kretschmann, Directed by: Brad Anderson, Release Date: 7/18/08, DVD Release Date: 11/4/08

Persepolis (2007) – 3 Beers

Persepolis is a black & white animated French film about a little Iranian girl, that while taking place in Iran, is completely in French. So I guess they all speak French in Irania. The movie begins in the late '70s, and the beginning is such a boring, bad political cartoon it had me so bored I actually turned it off. But since I have a habit of seeing something through, no matter how bad it is, I turned it back on and sat through it. I'm glad I did, the movie gets a lot more interesting when the war comes. Then you get to see the little girl grow older through the '80s, escape to Vienna, and eventually return in the '90s. So you go on this great journey with her. It also shows you how fucked up Iran is, and what it's like to grow up there. A film hasn't really captured the essence of Iran since 1991's Not Without My Daughter, starring Sally Field. I'm not a political person at all, because it bores me to tears, but maybe everyone in Iran should be castrated for the way they treat their women. Although I do think it would be totally hilarious if we treated women like that here. We should have Iran day, where women are whipped for showing even the slightest amount of skin. Just for the LULZ. Anyways, this was a good film, and I'd like to note this is not a kid's movie, it's for mature audiences. Oh and I loved when she bought a forbidden bootleg Iron Maiden tape off the streets, and rocked to it. That was NOT Iron Maiden, LOL! If Iron Maiden is so popular in Iran, they should make a shirt to sell over there that says "KILL WOMEN". That would sell great!

Starring Amethyste Frezignac, Catherine Deneuve, Chiara Mastroianni, Directed by: Vincent Paronnaud, Marjane Satrapi, Release Date: 12/15/07, DVD Release Date: 6/24/08

Session 9 (2001) – 2 ½ Beers

This is director Brad Anderson's (The Machinist, Transsiberian) 2nd film. I fucking loved The Machinist (starring Christian Bale, you know, the movie he lost like 100 pounds for?), so I was excited about this. David Caruso, Josh Lucas (I thought he had blonde hair? It's brown here, so he must've dyed it blonde for every movie he was in after this), and some unknown actor are the stars. The unknown guy is the main character, and I can't tell if he's an Irish actor trying to do an American accent or vice versa, since he seems to switch between accents the whole movie. It's about a Hazmat team who is hired to clean the asbestos out of an old abandoned mental institution, since they can't tear it down because it's a historical landmark. The place is huge; it’s bigger than the hotel in The Shining, and looks pretty awesome. Good location scouting! Anyways, one of the workers, who is studying to be a lawyer, starts reviewing weird tapes of a former mental patient (labeled sessions 1-9), while Josh Lucas's character goes missing. Whether paranormal forces are at work or one of the workers have gone batshit insane remains to be seen. I was more worried that the crew wouldn't get the job done in time. Because if they finish on schedule they get a $10,000 dollar bonus. Every time they were taking too many cigarette breaks or screwing around I was all like "OH NO! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET THAT BIG BONUS". So really that was the scariest part for me. And ever notice whenever you see actors in the sunlight you can really see their back hair glisten? Josh Lucas wears a wifebeater in this and you can totally see all his backhair shining in the sun. I think I should compile a list of known actors with backhair. I simply can't help but to notice.

Starring David Caruso, Peter Mullan, Josh Lucas, Directed by: Brad Anderson, Release Date: 8/10/01, DVD Release Date: 2/26/02

Soylent Green (1973) – 2 ½ Beers

Everyone knows Soylent Green is made out of people. That's Charlton Heston's famous line, "SOYLENT GREEN IS MADE OUT OF PEOPLE!" If you were like me and grew up in the '80s you probably had a drunken uncle shout that out and laugh his ass off before. Probably the first movie I ever had spoiled for me. Soylent Green takes place in 2022 (12 years from now, 50 years from when it was released in 1973), where the population in New York City alone is 40 million people. The earth is dying, there's not enough food for everyone, and GLOBAL WARMING is actually the cause. Now I know where Al Gore got his crazy idea about global warming from; he probably saw this growing up and was terrified he'd have to eat people in the future, so came up with this crazy scheme to scare people. Even all this "Green" nonsense probably came from this movie as well. And I usually DON'T watch movies from before 1978, because they usually suck hard. And this movie looks like shit, as do all the stars. I could've done without seeing Charlton Heston's glistening back hair during his sex scene (where he fucks a girl without asking, because, you know, that's how you treated women back then). I couldn't even stand to look at his big, goofy teeth. Well, anyways, he's dead now. It was also hard to enjoy this movie while my dog barked his head off outside for 2 hours. Now I wish Soylent Green was made out of canines.

Starring Charlton Heston, Brock Peters, Chuck Connors, Directed by: Richard Fleischer, Release Date: 5/9/74, DVD Release Date: 8/5/03

Starring Tom Green (III), Anthony Michael Hall, Connor Widdows, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Harland Williams, Julie Hagerty, Laurie Murdoch, Marisa Coughlan, Rip Torn, Scott Heindl, Stephen Tobolowsky, Drew Barrymore, R, 87 min., Directed by: Tom Green (III), Release Date: Apr 20, 2001, DVD Release Date: Oct 23, 2001