Inglourious Basterds (2009) - 5 Beers

What's there to say about the new Quentin Tarantino movie without giving anything away other than to say it's fucking great! Well, it is dreadfully long, longer than Transformers 2, with scenes that drag on and on, but still it is never boring. Great mixture of laughs and an awesome dealing of extreme violence, which left me very, very happy! The film is divided into 6 or 7 chapters, which are each mostly comprised of one scene that goes on for more than 20 minutes. Brad Pitt was great in it, but I still don't really see his appeal, Mr. MOST FAMOUS MOVIE STAR IN THE WHOLE WORLD. Who I really liked was Eli Roth, director of some of the best horror movies in the last decade (like both Hostel's and Cabin Fever), who gets a big acting role in this. I remember hanging out with him at a Fangoria Convention a few years ago when he was just there as a fan. To see him in something big like this is amazing. He's the "Bear Jew". No, not because he's hairy as fuck, but because he likes to beat Nazis to death with a club. And I'm probably not giving anything away (if you've read about Inglorious Basterds for months now) by saying this is how World War II should've been fought, relentlessly, and ending with the murder of Hitler. This is a big spoiler here I guess, but I fucking loved seeing Eli Roth get to fucking kill Hitler! He must've shot him with a machine gun 50 times! It was so fucking awesome! Way to go Eli!

Starring: Brad Pitt, Eli Roth, Diane Kruger, B.J. Novak, Directed by: Quentin Taratino, Release Date: 8/21/09

 Family Guy: Something, Something, Something, Dark Side (2009) – 3 ½ Beers

First of all, its just fucking great seeing one of my favorite movies of all time animated. The animation is just spectacular, and a lot of visuals from The Empire Strikes Back are near-exact copies. The humor and the jokes were surprisingly very laugh-out-loud funny. Well, most of them. But with a show like Family Guy, there's so many jokes, that if one doesn't work out you won't have to wait long before a good one comes along. Although, after having just watched this with my niece and nephews, I realized they were too young to get many of the cultural references. They didn't know what the hell the Juicy Fruit commercial was about, Wonder Woman deflecting bullets with her bracelets, who Don Knotts or Rodney Dangerfield were, etc. I grew up in the '80s just like Seth MacFarlane and one of my favorite things about his show is the constant onslaught of '80s trivial references. The spoof is pretty good. Just know that Chris is Luke Skywalker, Peter is Han Solo, Lois is Leia, Stewie is Darth Vader, Brian is Chewbacca, Cleveland is R2-D2, and Quagmire is C-3PO. They made a mistake by making Cleveland R2-D2 though, since he is primarily the show's only black character and fucked up Lando by having him be Mort, the Jew pharmacist, but with black skin. And Meg never appears anymore hardly except to be made fun of. Here she is the asteroid worm that swallows the Millennium Falcon. Another funny part is when the Emperor asks Stewie to turn Luke Skywalker, and he responds that he's pretty sure he can make him bi. Or when Han punches out Princess Leia for calling him a "scruffy nerf herder". Probably one of the most famous scenes to be lampooned is the one where Han is about to be lowered in the carbonite chamber, and Leia says "I love you" and Han just says "I know." Well, here he says "FUCK OFF!" At a 50-minute run time, its only twice as long as an episode, so the price for a blu-ray copy of this may seem a little steep. Bonus features are also scarce. But that was redeemed for me by getting the Collector's Edition red lunch box of the disc, just like the Empire Strikes Back one I had in 1st grade. Look forward to their spoof of Return of the Jedi, coming out sometime next year.

Starring Seth MacFarlane, Alex Borstein, Seth Green, Mila Kunis, Mike Henry, Directed by: Dominic Polcino

Paranormal Activity (2009) – 3 ½ Beers

Paranormal Activity is probably the scariest chick flick ever made, since it's only scary for women. You'd be a fool to take your girlfriend to see it, since she'll be crying in fear and horror for the rest of her life every time the house makes a creaking noise. Unless that is totally funny to you, since you think your girlfriend is stupid, then go for it. Think of all the cruel jokes you can play on her from now on. Put powdered foot prints on the floor at night and it will make her go apeshit. Watching this movie with an audience full of women reminded me of when I saw Clive Barker's Lord of Illusions in the theatre and this chick came running up the aisle, crying, saying the mantra "oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god" to herself as she quickly exited the theatre. Too funny. On one hand I love how Paranormal Activity was made for only $17,000 dollars, and got a million votes from the fans to have a wide release in theatres, probably making it the most successful independent film of all time. But on the other hand, I think it's just an overhyped chick flick. It came at a bad time too, crushing the new Saw movie at the box office which is definitely far superior. That pisses me off, this is the first time a Saw movie has not debuted at #1 and is the lowest opening of any Saw film in history. They're trying to make a new sequel every year, you know? Paranormal Activity is not bad, but definitely does not live up to its hype. You should know it's a bad hand-held documentary-style film like The Blair Witch Project, but this time you know it's not supposed to be real footage, after you were made a fool of for believing Blair Witch was real ten years ago. Only your dumb girlfriend would believe its real, which you should tell her when you take her to see it to scare her more. The movie relies on scares based on loud noises that come from out of nowhere, so you'll always waiting for them and the second it happens you should not be surprised. They got me with the first one of course, just because it was so fucking loud. And the final scare at the end got me a little because it was so extreme. The paranormal things that happen in the film actually are quite cool, but too much hype makes me wish the film came out more unknown, and then I would probably respect it a lot more.

Starring Katie Featherston, Micah Sloat, Michael Bayouth, Directed by: Oren Peli, Release Date: 9/25/09, Opening Weekend (Wide Release): $21.1M

The Da Vinci Code II: Angels & Demons (2009) – 3 ½ Beers

I was against seeing The Da Vinci Code, which everyone orgasmed about constantly for about a year because of the book and everything. But when I finally saw it on cable, it turned out to be great. So I was looking forward to the prequel (which must have been based on a book too), even though it doesn't star Audrey Tatou, who I loved in Amelie and was my favorite part of the first film. But instead there's Ewan McGregor in this one, who I'm an even bigger fan of. Let me struggle to explain the plot. The movie takes place in Vatican City, the pope dies in the beginning, and they hire Tom Hanks to help out, because of whatever his area of expertise is. Meanwhile a brilliant physicist is harnessing the energy of antimatter to create a new energy source. Then there's the Illuminati, who go for science versus religion. They kidnap four of the priest dudes who are up for the pope election, and steal the antimatter and create a bomb out of it. Ewan McGregor plays an important priest guy and Stellan Skarsgård is the head of the Swiss Guard or something. Sorry, but I'm an atheist so I pretty much understood nothing about what was going on in the movie. Tom Hanks and science girl go church-hopping to uncover clues and try to save the pope guys and find the bomb. It is long and drawn-out, with half of it being very exciting and the other half being incredibly boring. There is what I thought was an unbelievably great ending, explosively fantastic, with its focus on Ewan McGregor's character. But then there's 20 minutes left and they succeed in ruining the whole damn thing. This is not nearly as good as the first one, but still worthwhile. It would have been more interesting for me if the pope had superpowers, and all the priests were kung fu action clergy persons.

Starring Tom Hanks, Ewan McGregor, Stellan Skarsgård, Ayelet Zurer, Directed by: Ron Howard, Release Date: 5/15/09, DVD Release Date: 11/24/09, Box Office: $133.3M *333 = 666?

Michael Jackson’s This Is It: A Pedophile’s Final Days (2009) – 2 Beers

There are three things in the world we will probably never know for sure but should - #1. If O.J. Simpson actually killed his wife and that dude, #2. If Tom Cruise is really gay, and #3. If Michael Jackson was really a pedophile. Popular belief is that all three of these things are true, but they certainly aren't FACT. They fucking should be. I believe Michael Jackson is a pedophile, or sorry, WAS (he died last summer), and seeing all these fans who stuck by him all these years disgusts me. How stupid can people be? Sure, when he died everyone treated it with a lot of respect and remembered him for his music. Hell, I loved his music when I was a little kid. Back in the '80s he was probably the coolest person in the world at the time. But then he became a big weirdo and the child molestation accusations started about the same time Jeffrey Dahmer was arrested. So here you have an almost pointless film of rehearsal footage for the comeback tour he never lived to see. It's not even a documentary, just 2 hours of singing and dancing, and talking about singing and dancing. It's shocking how much Michael Jackson looks exactly like a woman in this. I knew he looked bad, but wow! The long hair, the feminine lips and eyes, that oddly massacred pointed nose. He obviously always hated being black since he changed himself so much (there's a debate whether his skin turned white from a disease or that he actually had it bleached somehow). But, if you like his old songs, the movie is kind of entertaining. You're also treated to some ridiculous footage of a little girl running through the rainforest with butterflies and then it being razed to the ground by killdozers and set aflame. It's a pro-green message narrated by Jackson in his soft-spoken faggy voice about the destruction of the rain forest. I laughed my ass off through the whole thing. The sad thing here really is the death of Farrah Fawcett being overshadowed by Michael Jackson's. She died the morning of the afternoon he had his fatal heart attack. You already knew she was dying for a long time, so Michael Jackson's sudden death came as a shock to everyone. She also did a documentary on her struggle with cancer that aired on TV a few months before her death, and it's heartfelt, touching, and superior to this film in every way. I mean, christ, the worst thing Farrah Fawcett ever did was make a fool of herself on David Letterman. She didn't molest little boys. A joke came out that day - Farrah Fawcett dies and goes to heaven, and god asks her if there's anything he can do for her. She says, yes, I want little boys to be protected by pedophiles. So god then immediately killed Michael Jackson." Har har.

Starring Michael Jackson, and a bunch of OBVIOUSLY GAY back-up dancers, Directed by: Kenny Ortega, Release Date: 10/28/09, Box Office: $71.8M, *No young boys were harmed in the making of this film.

The Ugly Truth (2009) – 2 ½ Beers

The Ugly Bitch is one of the more decent chick flicks I've seen lately, since Gerard Butler actually makes it worth watching. The film is actually pretty good for guys to watch since he offers so many helpful tips to understanding women and dealing with them better. Gays Anatomy star Katherine Hiegl plays a stuck-up producer of an early morning news show that is failing in the ratings. When they find out they're losing to a cable access show called The Ugly Truth, where a male chauvinist pig played by Gerard Butler tells the truth about women (and is right about everything), the show decides to hire him for quick segments. Katherine Hiegl acts like a total bitch about it, but ratings skyrocket. She is a total failure at dating. She goes on a date with a checklist for the perfect man and is a total control freak about everything. It's funny when she goes on a date with Entourage's Kevin Connolly, because she's about 2 feet taller than him since he's a total hobbit. When she starts stalking her hunky next-door neighbor, Gerard Butler coaches her and gives her some good advice on how to get him. This of course leads to some pretty embarrassing scenes where he talks to her through an earpiece and she makes an utter fool of herself. You know from the beginning Butler and Hiegl end up falling in love, since that is pretty much the formula for every chick flick. You know, how the two stars always fall in love by the end no matter what opposites they are. The movie is predictable, not really funny, but it's a great role for Gerard Butler. He's pretty fucking awesome, but maybe he should stick to action movies.

Starring Gerard Butler, Katherine Hiegl, Eric Winter, John Michael Higgins, Cheryl Hines, Kevin Connolly, Directed by: Robert Luketic (not some woman?), Release Date: 7/24/09, DVD Release Date: 11/10/09, Box Office: $88.9M

Black Devil Doll (2007) – 1 Beer 

Black Devil Doll tries hard and fails at giving the blaxploitation genre a reboot. The film begins with a militant black power serial rapist/killer who offed 15 white women being executed in the electric chair. His final words are "I like some white butt!" When a dumb, big-breasted white girl messes around with a Ouija board, his soul is infused with her ventriloquist dummy, and there you have Black Devil Doll. Ridiculously the pair fall in love, and the doll says offensive things like "your pussy tastes like fried chicken" and "I say the n-word 100 times a day to keep my teeth white". She soon invites all of her friends over so Black Devil Doll can have sex with them, and there's a very gratituitous scene where they all take out eachother's breasts and feel, pinch, and squeeze them. One of them is wearing a Rotten Cotton t-shirt, and takes time out to plug them in an ad placed in the movie. Rotten Cotton is actually a great company that makes killer t-shirts, so I will plug them as well (www.rottencotton.com). As the girls take off to separate rooms in the house, Black Devil Doll rapes and kills them one by one. (Although most he rapes AFTER he kills them). The scene on the lawn chair is gross, because you can see the bottom of the girl's breasts where she has gigantic, thick breast implant scars. But that's not even as disturbing as one of them simulating sex on the doll, with full-penetration (the film IS rated X). It gets much worse when it takes out his erect penis (a black guy's real cock), and rapes a disgusting (and dead) fat white guy in the ass. Seeing a fake doll slam somebody's fat hairy ass is probably the most disturbing image I've ever seen in my life. Black Devil Doll is extremely low budget, poorly-made and ill-conceived, made by white people so it's obviously racist, but is mercifully only an hour and 10 minutes long. The only good thing was the title sequence, with hot female dancers with afros grooving to some awesome bass, which looks like they spent a lot of money on. The movie's only funny moment is when Black Devil Doll's brains are shot all over a McDreamy poster. Lowest Common Denominator has another movie out called Brawling Broads, where topless women beat the shit out of eachother for real in a cage, which looks more promising.

Starring Christine Svendsen, Erika Branich, Heather Murphy, Precious Cox, Directed by: Jonathan Lewis, Release Date: 1/1/07, DVD Release Date: 10/27/09, Budget: $10,000

Stan Helsing (2009) – NO Beers

Beware of any movie that boasts it’s from "2 of the 6 writers of Scary Movie". Unless they're the Wayans Brothers, these movies are always horrible (see Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, and Disaster Movie). This is the only movie I know of that was released in theatres and on DVD simultaneously the very same week. This past Halloween I tried to see the only showing of this at the movies and it was actually cancelled so they could have more screenings of that Michael Jackson concert movie. Coincidentally, Michael Jackson is in this as an ice cream man handing out penis-shaped popsicles to little kids. Stan Helsing is a video store clerk who forces his friends to go to some small town to drop off some videos instead of going out partying for Halloween. The movie's only funny moment is the "Returns for The Ring Only" section of the video store where people immediately die after dropping it off. Anyways, he soon discovers that he is a descendant of monster-killer Van Helsing, and the town looks to him to kill off the monsters plaguing them. Which he never does. It should be great as a horror fan to see so many genre references but instead it's just embarrassing. When we first see "Chucky" it appears that he is eating out a little girl. Was I mistaken or did I actually see that? "Freddy" wears a Flavor Flav clock, a Charlie Brown shirt, and his glove has such items as lipstick and a toothbrush. Ridiculous. "Michael Myers" is the same save for the yamuka he wears. When the Jeepers Creepers famous tunnel scene is recreated he is the killer behind it? Makes no sense. "Pinhead" is probably the most excruciating parody, as he has bar darts and syringes in his head and throwing a burger take-out box on the ground makes him appear. They don't even do much with "Jason" other than just give him a hockey stick. This movie was so excruciating to sit through I had to fight not to turn it off halfway. I deserve an award for being the only person in the world to sit through the whole thing. After cringing for an hour and a half I probably have a bunch of wrinkles on my face now. And how could SNL's Kenan Thompson lower himself by being in this? And what the fuck is with Leslie Nielson briefly appearing as a transsexual waitress? This has got to be the worst movie I've ever seen in my life!

Starring Steve Howey, Kenan Thompson, Leslie Nielson, Directed by Bo Zenga, Release Date: 10/23/09, DVD Release Date: 10/27/09

The Proposal (2009) – 2 Beers

Hey Sandra Bullock, I have a PROPOSAL for you, stop making movies! In this EMBARRASING chick flick, Sandra Bullock plays a nasty bitch who is senior editor at a publishing company, and specializes in breaking balls. Ryan Reynolds plays her assistant, but he's such a slave she might as well keep him in a dog collar with his shirt off. When the dumb bitch is going to be deported to Canada, she forces him to marry her so she can stay in the country. So they fly to his hometown in Alaska, where the sun never goes down, to meet his family and go through with their fake marriage. The parents are played by Craig T. Nelson and Mary Steenburgen, and they are extremely rich people that own everything in town. Sandra Bullock is still disgusted by everything though and whines the whole time. The grandmother is played by Betty White, who is the only surviving member of that show The Golden Girls, apparently because she's an immortal vampire. The Office's Oscar Nunez plays an even gayer version of his character on said show. The movie is not funny; the only part even remotely funny is when a hawk takes off with the family dog. There is a gratuitous scene where Ryan Reynolds appears naked, since this was obviously made by women. I remember when he was a chubby kid who guest-starred on The X-Files, but he packed on all this muscle to star in the awful third Blade movie. He also is mistaken that he is actually funny. Someone should make a clip of him saying "Come on!" over and over, since he says it about 30 times in every movie he's in. The movie is so predictable, because you just know the pair are going to fall in love. They do so the minute it is revealed that they both like the song "It Takes Two" by Rob Base. Then you're subjected to them both shrieking the lyrics to it in an awful, embarrassing moment. The song rules though, and I watched the end credits just to listen to it. Sandra Bullock is a speed-freak so she can stay in shape, and Ryan Reynolds is an utter goofball who will probably ruin the upcoming Green Lantern movie.

Starring Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds, Craig T. Nelson, Mary Steenburgen, Betty White, Oscar Nunez, Malin Akerman, Directed by: Anne Fletcher, Release Date: 6/19/09, DVD Release Date: 10/13/09, Box Office: $163.9M

Trick ‘r Treat (2008) – 4 Beers

Christ, I saw a trailer for this movie on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning DVD 3 years ago and it said it was coming out in theatres that Halloween. I was excited, because it looked great, but the studio shelved it and it finally has just had its release on DVD. Well worth the wait. This movie is fucking awesome. It's about 4 entwining stories that take place on Halloween, also known as "Samhain" or "All Hallows Eve", an ancient pagan holiday that predates Christianity. Halloween is pretty commercial now, but you can always make it more fun by putting razor blades or poison in the candy you hand out. Which is just what Dylan Baker does to the annoying fat kid in the first story. I will always remember Dylan Baker as the pedophile from Happiness, so I was pretty scared for the little boy going up to his house. Luckily, he is brutally murdered instead of molested, because that would have just been sick. As he buries the boy in his backyard, his son keeps yelling out the window bothering him about when they're going to carve a pumpkin together. Doesn't his son care his father is burying a body in the backyard? No, because when they both go down to the basement to carve the pumpkin it turns out to be the victim's severed head! Dad of the year award! Another story deals with an urban legend about a bus driver who was paid off by parents to drive a bus load of retards into a rock quarry, and 5 kids who go to investigate. Awesome children death scenes! There's also a thread about 4 hot party girls looking for dates. One is Anna Paquin, who looks cute as a button in her Little Red Riding Hood costume. The story culminates in a bunch of hot bitches tearing off their clothes, then their skin, to reveal that they are both werewolves AND vampires! But the most awesome thing is the malevolent pumpkin boy in the scarecrow mask who upholds the rules of Halloween. Don't blow out the candle in your jack o'lantern! He has a fucking candy bar with a razor blade in it that he will slash you to death with! Totally awesome horror movie; probably the best Halloween-themed one to ever come out. Kind of reminded me of the killer multi-storied Creepshow films of the '80s.

Starring Anna Paquin, Dylan Baker, Brian Cox, Directed by: Michael Dougherty, Release Date: 10/31/08, DVD Release Date: 10/6/09

Orphan (2009) – 4 Beers

Peter Sarsgaard and Vera Farmiga play Jon and Kate Gosselin in this thriller about the dangers of adoption. Peter Sarsgaard is always awesome as fuck, and Vera Farmiga looks strangely just like his real-life wife, Maggie Gyllenhaal. I wonder if he ever got confused on set and fucked her, then thought he was cheating when he fucked his actual wife. Anyways, the wife in this is a recovering alcoholic, so it's likely she killed their stillborn baby by drowning it in a whirlpool of vodka. They already have 2 kids, but one of them is deaf; so it seems like she fucked up big time there too. But anyways, they're all heartbroken about losing their baby so they decide to adopt another kid. So they go to an orphanage, where they charge you like 10,000 dollars to adopt a child so it's like buying a slave. Never pick up one of these kids, they're so fucking damaged. Orphanages should really be concentration camps where the children are just incinerated. I had a friend who was adopted and he was the most fucked up person I ever met in my life. A young death would've been the greatest mercy. (I think he eventually overdosed on heroin though so everything turned out alright.) So they adopt a 9-year-old girl named Esther. She is awesome as fuck; she's a talented artist, a genius, plays piano and picks up sign language immediately. She turns out to be a total fucking evil bitch of course, but I was rooting for her when she attacks the girl in school who was picking on her and pushes her off a slide and breaks her ankle. Little shit got what she deserved. Of course she gets way more extreme than that. She'd be an awesome step-daughter. Hell, I would even help her hide the bodies. There's a really great twist at the end, and I wish I hadn't already read the spoilers, because it's fucking gold. Very well-made film, with everything about it being just great.

Starring Peter Sarsgaard, Vera Farmiga, Isabelle Fuhrman, Directed by: Jaume Collet-Serra, Release Date: 7/24/09, DVD Release Date: 10/27/09, Box Office: $41.5M

The Children (2008) – 3 Beers

Children are a joy. Unless of course, they become insane bloodthirsty killers and you must murder them to survive. The Children is about 2 families (British, not retarded) who go on vacation in the English countryside for Christmas. Everything is fun and games for the first half hour, and you're even treated to some nice sexual tension between an uncle and his 16-year-old niece, who really doesn't want to be there and would rather be off partying with her friends. Everything is all laughter and joy, but ominous music keeps building up - and it's like what the fuck? Nothing is happening yet. Then the children go insane, and it's never really fully explained why. Let's just say a comet flew by and infected them with rage. They start picking off the parent one by one, and at first it's hard for them to fight back, since these are their babies. I mean, don't go hug your child and tell them everything is going to be OK when they're probably just going to stab you in the eye with a fucking crayon. When the parents finally start to fight back you're treated to some awesome, really gruesome child death scenes. Is it going too far? You never see children killed in movies. The last time I can remember that children were murdered onscreen was in 1997's Mimic, where 2 young boys were torn to shreds by a gigantic cockroach person. It is cool for once to see children impaled on glass, stabbed through the throat, and run down with cars, in an "us or them" kind of situation. The Children does deliver on blood (great to see red-stained snow everywhere) but builds up too slow and could've been way more fucked up. I was expecting a lot more.

Starring Eva Birthistle, Raffiella Brooks, Stephen Campbell Moore, Directed by: Tom Shankland, Release Date: 12/5/08, DVD Release Date: 10/6/09, Box Office: $199.2 Thousand (Euro)

The Hills Run Red (2009) – 3 ½ Beers

The Hills Run Red is an homage to '80s slasher films, and harkens back to the day of the "Masked Killer". It does a pretty good job and does not disappoint. The killer is even reminiscent of Jason Voorhees, as he's a deranged man-child with retard strength and invulnerability, who, at a young age, cuts off his face and sews a baby dolls face on, hence the name "Babyface". The film is about a rare 1982 horror film starring said character, that was too violent and disturbing for theatres, pulled, and most prints have been destroyed. A young horror movie buff is obsessed with seeing the film (he only has the crappy trailer and some stills), so he takes his friends on a trip to some known locations to find it, and film a documentary about it. He meets the young child star of the film, now grown, and she helps him on his journey (and he might as well fuck her too, since she's a hot blonde stripper and while he's gone, his girlfriend goes and fucks his best friend). Deep in the woods, scouting for the house the film was shot at, they all get beaten and tied up by 3 rednecks who want to shoot a porn with them all (even the guys?), and Babyface promptly shows up and slaughters the attackers. It is then revealed that Babyface is real, and all the killing in the movie actually did happen. William Sadler (The Shawshank Redemption, but you may remember him in cult classic Tales from the Crypt presents: Demon Knight better) appears as the psychotic director, and the rest of the movie turns into a sick torture porn; which is great! It looks like the young horror buff might just get a chance to see the film after all, if he doesn't die before the end credits! This is a surprisingly good slasher film, very entertaining, and a lot better than I expected. Definitely recommended for horror fans.

Starring William Sadler, Sophie Monk, Tad Hilgenbrink, Directed by: Dave Parker, Release Date: 7/12/09, DVD Release Date: 9/29/09

Infestation (2009) – 3 Beers

Infestation is a horror-comedy, much like Tremors or Arachnophobia. Its light on the horror, and the comedy is not laugh-out-loud funny. It's about a world where, after a bright white flash, giant insects have taken over and encased everyone in webbing. Chris Marquette (the nerd from Freddy vs. Jason) awakens and frees himself of the webbing, and starts freeing everyone else in his office. He’s attacked by giant beetles, about 3 feet long, but are not really that menacing and are easy to defeat. The special effects in this are actually quite good. When the survivors go outside, they quickly learn that the insects are blind and are only attracted to sound, and there are flying insects that either sting you or take off with you. The survivors decide to walk to Marquette’s dad’s house, who is an ex-military nut with a shelter, while Linda Park (Ensign Sato from Star Trek: Enterprise in a small role), decides to stay behind and free more people. As they stop at some of the survivor’s houses on the way, they soon discover what becomes of the cocooned victims that have been stung. They’ve turned into these awesome spider-people! The effects on them look quite good; they just have their legs curled up behind their backs and 8 spider-legs protruding from their torsos. When Marquette’s love interest gets taken away by one of the flying insects, they decide to go to the hive and save her and destroy them all. And his dad turns out to be played by Twin Peaks/Jeepers Creepers 2 star Ray Wise, who is awesome. Infestation is an entertaining little film; I just wish it had actually been funny. And what is with the “What the fuck?” ending? The credits come up before you discover what happens.

Starring Chris Marquette, Ray Wise, Brooke Nevin, Linda Park, Directed by: Kyle Rankin, Release Date: 1/1/09, DVD Release Date: 10/13/09

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009) – 1 ½ Beers

The original Wrong Turn will someday be considered a classic horror movie, that they'll probably do a remake of it one day. And even the straight-to-video sequel, Dead End, was great. But eventually when a horror movie franchise keeps cranking out straight-to-video sequels, the quality deteriorates (like Night of the Demons 3 or the last 4 Hellraiser sequels, which are probably the worst movies ever made). Case in point with Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead, which soils the good name of the franchise. In the opening kills, where 4 white-water river-rafting college students pull off the river to camp, and one girl lights a joint while the other takes off her top; you know they'll be instantly slaughtered. When the topless chick gets an arrow through her boob, which impales her boyfriend's hand; it's definitely the best part of the movie. But when one of them gets sliced in half horizontally three-ways by a trap, the CGI is so fucking cheap it looks horrible. It's not even funny. The story then follows 5 convicts getting transferred, already plotting their escape, and 2 prison guards in charge. The prison bus is run off the road by the crazed mutant, the prisoners get control of the guns, taking the guards hostage, and make their way to escape, while being hunted by the mutants through backwoods West Virginia. The convicts are such terrible assholes that you spend the whole movie hating them, and by the time their death scene comes, it isn't very rewarding because they've already ruined the whole movie with their unbearable macho bullshit. They find bags of money in an abandoned armored car (which just happened to be in the middle of the woods), meet a female survivor from the rafting incident, so you have the cop, the girl, and 1 of the convicts who is the nice guy as the three you're supposed to root for. Which you don't, you root for the mutants the whole time, which you're not supposed to, and definitely did not in the first 2 films. And I love how the three good guys keep plotting their escape while the convicts are walking 5 feet behind them, like they're all deaf. The dialogue is horrible, the movie is constantly ridiculous in a bad way, and it was absolute torture to sit through.

Starring Christian Contreras, Chucky Venice, Gil Kolirin, Tom McKay, Directed by: Declan O’Brien, DVD Release Date: 10/20/09

How to Be a Serial Killer (2009) – 3 Beers

I'm obsessed with serial killers, and always wanted to be friends with one. I mean, how awesome would it be to have a couple beers with Jeffrey Dahmer? (Without the gay sex and killing of course.) So, they made a movie about my dream, as charming, guy-next-door serial killer Mike takes a young video store clerk named Bart under his wing and teaches him the joy of serial killing. The movie plays more like a black comedy than straight-out-horror, making it perfect for children! I mean, how can you take it seriously with the upbeat wacky jazz soundtrack playing the whole time? The movie even starts out as an infomercial, with Mike hosting, and each chapter begins set in the infomercial with another lesson in serial killing. You learn great things such as how to dispose of corpses, methods of attack, and planning your escape. All told to you with a smile. And rules - such as "Never rob your victims, because then you're just a criminal who kills people on the side", "Never rape, because then you're just a rapist and that's totally crossing the line", and "Never kill anyone you know". And the movie also plays like a documentary, with all the characters being interviewed by the cameraman after their scene, so you get to see them being candid. It's great how much Bart looks up to Mike, like his hero, and often tells the camera so. See, Mike isn't outright evil; he's trying to rid the world of bad people so the world can be a better place. Like people who ride your ass when driving, people rude to help, and of course, anyone who witnesses the crime. It's funny when Mike commits a murder in his house, and he and Bart are taking the body to the car in broad daylight, and there are 3 witnesses, who Mike must then all kill. It's funny when Bart says "How are we going to fit 4 dead bodies in your car, Mike?", and they end up propping up 2 of the corpses in the backseat to look like passengers. Seriously, they need to turn this movie into a sitcom.

Starring Dameon Clarke, Matthew Gray Gubler, Douglas Dickerman, Directed by: Luke Ricci, Release Date: 7/26/09, DVD Release Date: 10/13/09, Box Office: $899 dollars

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen (2009) – 3 Beers

After seeing this again I must knock off two beers from the rating. I was just too excited originally after seeing THIS YEAR'S BIGGEST BLOCKBUSTER because my favorite cartoon as a kid was brought to life on the big screen once again, and so I ignored how bad it was, and gave it 5 Beers. Yes, it is as bad as everyone said. I get that. But a lot of it is still awesome. The main story involving the Transformers is great - the Decepticons are trying to destroy our sun to turn it into Energon (which would kill us all), Decepticon leader The Fallen (who Megatron answers to) needs to get his revenge on the Primes (only a Prime can defeat him), and the Decepticons need to find Sam Witwicky, who, after touching a sliver of the All-Spark cube, holds the secret to everything in his brain. Everything with the Transformers is awesome and serious for the most part, the fight between Optimus Prime, Megatron, and Starscream is so epic (Optimus Prime even dies), and the Matrix of Leadership (from the old Transformers: The Movie cartoon) makes an appearance as the only thing that can bring Prime back to life. But the movie is ruined by the humans, who apparently think this film is a comedy, and as Galvatron once said in the cartoon "This is BAD COMEDY!" And I hate/can't stand Shia Beloof or whatever the fuck his name is, and he has to carry the whole movie. His parents are so fucking annoying (especially his mom), his college roommates as well, and returning John Turturro has some especially excruciating lines. The only good part is Megan Fox, who should just be naked the whole time. Probably the worst and most controversial thing about this sequel was the 2 new Autobot twin characters, who are a complete racist caricature. They talk ebonics, are ugly with big ears and big gold teeth, and cannot read. Apparently Michael Bay hates black people. Wasn't African-American actor Tyrese Gibson pissed off about this? And why don't we get any good new Autobot characters besides Sideswipe? (Who looks exactly like Jazz from the original and has no lines) The Decepticons have like 50 new robots, and the whole Autobot roster totals about 7. And when fan-favorite Devastator finally makes an appearance (he's the mega robot that is formed of 7 construction vehicles), he looks fucking ridiculous. If he would stand up we'd get a better idea of his size, but he's on all fours through his entire appearance like an animal. But still a lot of the action between the robots is what warrants this 3 Beers (even though overall it probably deserves 1), and I loved the bickering between Starscream and Megatron that is in this more and very reminiscent of the old cartoon. But when the movie almost reaches a 3 hour run-time, and robots are fighting and fighting and fighting, it wore me out and I couldn't wait for it to be over.

Starring Optimus Prime, Megatron, Bumblebee, Starscream, The Fallen, Ironhide, Soundwave, Devastator, Ratchet, Sideswipe, Directed by: Michael Gay, Release Date: 6/24/09, DVD Release Date: 10/20/09, Box Office: $402M

Crank 2: High Voltage (2009) – 5 Beers

Crank 2 is probably the most outrageous, entertaining movie ever. I hope it becomes a big cult classic in the years to come. Writer/director team Neveldine and Taylor have made such an engaging movie, I love their style! And who doesn't love Jason Statham? He is THE action star of the millennium. I have never seen a movie of his I didn't like. His movies fucking rule! He's the ultimate bad ass! After the end of the original Crank, where chinese-synthetic poisoned professional hitman Chev Chelios, having to use adrenaline to stay alive, FALLS OUT OF A HELICOPTER, bounces off a car and DIES, I seriously did not think there was going to be a sequel. Thank god there was, as he lives through the fall, but is kidnapped by Asian gang the Triads who take his invincible heart and replace it with temporary machine-like one. The catch this time is that he needs constant charges of electricity to keep going. The action that follows is so crazy it borders on ridiculous, which is always hilarious! You could say the action is CRANKED up to the umpteenth level, far surpassing the original! Amy Smart returns as his girlfriend, thinking he's dead and has turned to the life of a stripper (there's an awesome shootout in the strip club where a topless chick gets a bullet through her fake tits, and the silicone starts oozing out as her breasts implode. That was AWESOME; I've only seen that happen in comic books). There is another great public sex scene with Amy Smart where they fuck in front of hundreds of people, this time on a race track. On the race to get his heart back, Chev also meets Angel, played by Napoleon Dynamite's Pedro, brother of an original character who was murdered in the first one and is out looking for revenge. But he has FBT - Full Body Tourette's, which cause his whole body to spasm and lash out. Dwight Yoakam plays the doctor who can give Chev the surgery to replace his heart, Bai Ling shows up as a wild and crazy asian whore, and even Corey Haim appears (fresh off of being nobody for 20 years) as a strip club owner. Hell, even Dennis from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia makes a brief appearance before being shot through the head. Mike Patton (singer of Faith No More, Mr. Bungle, Fantomas, etc.) does the soundtrack, which is crazy and awesome, and the villain at the end, "El Huron" (The Ferret), strangely looks like him. I would hope for another sequel, but after the dismal box office, and what happens to Chev at the end of this one, I don't have high hopes. But it would be awesome, if made by the same people.

Starring Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Dwight Yoakam, Bai Ling, Efren Ramirez, Cory Haim, David Carradine, Clifton Collins Jr., Directed by: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor, Release Date: 4/17/09, DVD Release Date: 9/8/09, Box Office Gross: $13.6M

Drag Me to Hell (2009) – 5 Beers

I'm part dumb pollack, so that means I'm probably part gypsy as well (and all gypsies are evil thieves who can put curses on you). I mean, I'm a little psychic; I do tarot card readings and everything that are pretty accurate (OK so I read from the book). Would be great to have the power to put a deadly curse on someone though (like Lance Moakley, I would love to see him "Dragged to Hell"). I only know one Polish curse, but it just means "Dogs Blood to Hell" and I don't think it would kill anybody. I could try to memorize the words of the curse in this movie, but the dumb Pollack bitch wasn't subtitled so I don't know what she said. But all I need to do is memorize that, grab someone's personal possession and say the words, and they'll be fucking cursed and drug to hell in three days. Like Lance Moakley (he deserves it). That would be awesome! So, anyways, don't fuck with Polish people. Enough with the "How many Pollacks does it take to screw in a lightbulb" jokes. It only takes 3 days to get your dumb ass dragged to hell, so watch it. Drag Me to Hell is director Sam Raimi's triumphant return to horror. The mainstream knows him as director of the 3 Spider-man movies, but everyone else knows him as the man behind the classic Evil Dead trilogy. He hasn't done anything even close to resembling horror since 1990's Darkman (remember when he did that gay baseball movie starring Kevin Costner?) So this is a great comeback. The story is about a loan officer at a bank, played by Alison Lohman, who refuses an old gypsy woman a loan, so she puts a deadly curse on her where she will be dragged to hell in three days by an evil Black Goat Demon named the Lamia. She starts experiencing shocking visions and paranormal attacks, which escalate and freak the fucking shit out of her. I won't say much more about the movie, except for these spoilers! - Japanese boyfriend Justin Long has to actually watch his girlfriend dragged to hell in the shocking final scene! Which is awesome because he really didn't believe it was happening the whole time. So now he has to live with what he saw the rest of his life. That's got to fuck a guy up, dude! A million points for not doing the same old boring happy (crappy) ending!

Starring Alison Lohman, Justin Long, David Paymer, Directed by: Sam Raimi, Release Date: 5/29/09, DVD Release Date: 10/13/09, Box Office Gross: $42M