Now Playing In Theaters - General Beers Drunken Movie Reviews

GENERAL BEERS

DRUNKEN MOVIE REVIEWS

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Sherlock Holmes (2009)

Sherlock Holmes is one of the worst movies I've ever seen and definitely one of the worst of the year. Writer/Director Guy Ritchie should be more well-known for his trilogy of London films - Lock, Stock, & Two Smoking Barrels, Snatch, and Rocknrolla. Great films; even on the IMDB top 250 list. The first one launched the career of Jason Statham. But anytime Ritchie has done anything outside of this, it's been a disaster. For example - putting his wife Madonna in his Swept Away movie, which is regarded as one of the worst movies ever made. But then he redeemed himself by punching Madonna in the face in a domestic dispute, making him an hero. But anyways, Guy needs to stick with what he knows. Making a big Hollywood blockbuster like Sherlock Holmes was a bad idea for him. This is definitely not the Sherlock Holmes I remember growing up, with the deerstalker hat and pipe. Robert Downey Jr. does a great job playing him, but he's such a great actor already, so big fucking deal really. The movie just seems to be built around several really big, explosive action sequences that a very thin plot is tied around. There's some kind of evil warlock or something he has to stop, so you constantly see him put his great detective skills to use. Or, as I like to call it, using common sense. You can hardly understand what any of the characters are saying half the time, but there's a great sense that you're not missing anything anyway. Even when Dr. Watson (Jude Law) appears to die in an explosion, and its revealed moments later that he's alive, I found myself just not caring either way. You really don't get invested in any of the characters in this one. The lead chick is Rachel McAdams or Rachel Evan Woods or somebody. My favorite part of any movie is when the chick gets hit in the face. That was the best part of this movie, she gets hit in the face pretty hard, and I laughed my ass off. I wouldn't say the movie is slow-paced, but every part of it bored me to tears, even when a lot of action occurs. It also looks like such crap it could've been filmed in the '80s. The 2 hours and 10 minute run-time was excruciating. The saddest thing is how much money this movie is making; it totally doesn't deserve it. Also, am I the only one that seems to remember Robert Downey Jr. coming out of the closet on Howard Stern 7 or 8 years ago? He admitted he was gay right there in front of his girlfriend and everything. Never made the news, but I definitely heard that. And on the red carpet for the premiere of this film, he told the press about the intense chemistry he had with Jude Law, and how he tried to sleep with him, but couldn't because Law was 100% straight. And everyone thought he was joking?! Wow.

Starring Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law, Rachel McAdams, Mark Strong, Kelly Reilly, William Hope, PG-13, 2 hrs. 14 min. Directed by: Guy Ritchie, Release Date: Dec 25, 2009, Box Office (as of 1/31/10): $197.6M

It’s Complicated (2009)

Meryl Streep continues her "Streep Streak" with another romantic comedy. Pumping out movies much like her queefs is a constant in life. You can always count on her to be in the latest chick flick for dried-up older women going through menopause, whether it be a musical or whatever the fuck that cooking movie was. This is another movie from writer/director Nancy Meyers, who did that Something's Gotta Fucking Give crap with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson, and again gets to showcase her bland and outdated (much like people in their 50s) sense of humor. The only thing "complicated" about this movie was having to sit there for two hours. Its saving grace is Alec Baldwin though (has he ever been bad in anything?) Also, it's always nice to see more Steve Martin, a long-beloved comedian and actor with whom the last 30 years of entertainment would not have been the same without. Baldwin is 50 now (10 years younger than Streep) and Martin is even a little older than her, but they look so much better for their age. Men DO age better than women. There's a gross scene where Streep goes to a cosmetic surgeon because she has to hold up her saggy eyelid flaps to even watch TV. She should consider herself the luckiest woman on earth since these 2 men want to fuck her. So, look, dumbass, it's NOT complicated, fuck them both. I loved seeing some noticeable goofs in the movie. Alec Baldwin's tie being tied tight, seconds later being untied, and then instantly being right again. Wow, old women are bad directors. It’s also amazing when Alec Baldwin's chest hair (he is very hirsute) appears normal, then trimmed, then back to normal. The subplot about him being a werewolf in this must've been cut out. The movie is not terribly funny. There are a few laughs, sure, but I think people my age won't have as much fun because they didn't have any pills to take before they went. The worst part of it all though; The Office's John Krasinski really seems to embarrass himself in this.

Starring Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin, Steve Martin, John Krasinski, Lake Bell, R, 1 hr. 54 min., Directed by: Nancy Meyers, Release Date: Dec 25, 2009, Box Office (as of 1/31/10): $104.1M

Invictus (2009)

Invictus could've been a great movie if it wasn't so horrendously boring. I hate when Clint Eastwood writes and directs a movie and doesn't put himself in it. The movie would have been better if Clint Eastwood had played Nelson Mandela, in black-face. I mean, that worked wonders for Robert Downey Jr. when he did that in Tropic Thunder. He got nominated for an Oscar and everything. Clint Eastwood could've made Nelson Mandela more bad-ass here by playing him with a John Wayne accent or whatever fucking cowboy he used to play in the 30s. Instead, Mandela is played by Morgan Freeman, who's only about 9 years younger than Eastwood. Morgan Freeman is a great, versatile actor, but I prefer him in movies like Lean on Me where he beats the shit out of children with a baseball bat. Then we have Matt Damon, who in real life is around 40-years-old, so is not convincing as a 25-year-old rugby player living with his parents. He also fails to keep up with his South African accent pretty much most of the time. Rugby is basically just football without the padding, so the guys get hurt really bad. Which is funny. It's also a no-black-people-allowed sport. Which is great I guess since white athletes can finally get a chance to show that they can play sports too. This takes place in around 1990, and Nelson Mandela had just spent 27 years in prison, presumably for stealing a car stereo. I don't know what Apartheid is, but I guess it's where the Nazi's exterminated 6 million Jews? Which explains South Africa's modern-day Nazi-like attitude towards blacks. Anyways, Nelson Mandela becomes president, and takes an interest in rugby, which somehow unites the nation. He seems to take more of an interest in watching sports than actually doing anything as president. Pretty boring movie. If it had explored Nelson Mandela's gay crush on Matt Damon more it would have been more interesting. Also, I don't know what Invictus means, but its probably racist.

Starring Morgan Freeman, Matt Damon, Tony Kgoroge, Patrick Mofokeng, Matt Stern, Julian Lewis Jones, Adjoa Andoh, Marguerite Wheatley, Leleti Khumalo, Scott Eastwood, Shakes Myeko, PG-13, 2 hrs. 12 min. Directed by: Clint Eastwood, Release Date: Dec 11, 2009, Box Office (as of 1/31/10): $36.2M

Up in the Air (2009)

This is another case of the trailer being better than the actual movie. The trailer was so great; just showing some poignant-looking scenes from the film while you hear George Clooney's great speech on what almost sounded like the meaning of life. So I thought it looked real deep, and was expecting a really "feel-good" movie. Instead, it just turns out to be about relationships. The initial plot is interesting enough though; George Clooney works for a company that specializes in firing other people's employees when their bosses are too scared to. None of us probably knew something like this existed, but this takes place in the big corporate world and most of us are working class people. George Clooney is such a grand expert at firing people that he even does seminars on the subject (which is where his great speech from the trailer is lifted from). The movie also focuses on him traveling by air city-to-city so much so that he doesn't really have much of a life. His only goal in life is too accumulate 10,000,000 air miles. He vows never to get married, have children, or have a serious relationship. But when he meets a fellow traveler and they end up having a lot in common, they keep it casual, just sex, but you can definitely see where that is heading. Much of the movie is also about him taking a young exec for the company on his travels to show her how the job is done (not the sex, the firing). Jason Bateman plays his boss, and it's always great to see him in anything since I'm such a huge fan. But he grew this strange beard and is not in the movie much. Zach Galafinakas is also criminally underused in a small role as someone being fired. He shows up for less than 2 minutes. There's also a boring subplot about Clooney's sister getting married, and him having to pose of cardboard cut-out of the couple in front of landmarks for pictures. (Although I loved the idea since they even admit to having taken it from my favorite French film, Amelie, where she did the same thing with her father's garden gnome). It's astonishing his sister is marrying Danny McBride, because he's ugly as fuck. This was directed by Jason Reitman, who previously did Juno and Thank You for Smoking. I wasn't a big fan of the latter, and Juno was pretty much great because of the screenplay by Diablo Cody. I'm not saying Up in the Air is bad; it is just plain simply pretty dull. I was expecting a lot more.

Starring George Clooney, Vera Farmiga, Anna Kendrick, Melanie Lynskey, Adam Rose, Chris Lowell, Jason Bateman, Tamala Jones, Zack Galafinakis, R, 1 hr. 49 min., Directed by: Jason Reitman, Release Date: Dec 04, 2009, Box Office (as of 1/31/10): $73.2M

Alvin and the Chipmunks 2: The Squeakuel (2009)

I went to see this movie primarily because it worked one of my favorite words, "squeak", into the title. I mean, the fucking "Squeakuel"! What a work of comedy genius! Unfortunately, the movie is not as funny as it's name. I remember the first one was pretty cute. And I liked Alvin and the Chipmunks when I was a little kid (hell, I even had their Christmas album on 8-track). But this is definitely another bad sequel. Its fun to see the chipmunks sing popular songs in their annoying high-pitched voice - for about 10 seconds. It seems like 10 seconds is all it takes for their guardian Dave Seville (Jason Lee) to be killed by a stage accident. That sucks; I was really looking forward to seeing My Name Is Earl some more without that stupid fucking moustache. So, anyways, he's dead or something and the chipmunks go to live with his cousin, who I highly suspect of being Zachary Levi from Chuck (or someone just as ugly). The chipmunks go to high school, get picked on by bullies; hijinks ensue. People constantly try to stomp them to death, which I was dying to see, but they're so fucking fast it's futile! But anyways, lets see them do ridiculous things like have Alvin join the football team and make a touchdown even though he's 8 inches tall. Also, lets have all the human female students have crushes on the chipmunks. What, do they want to stuff one of them up their vagina for sexual pleasure? It will fucking suffocate to death! Meanwhile, 3 female chipmunks (the "Chippettes") appear from out of nowhere in a fed-ex envelope, and are immediately snatched up by the previous film's band manager villain, in another great turn by David Cross. I can also finally add David Cross to my "List of Celebrities with Disgusting Back Hair", now that I've seen him in a wifebeater. Anyways, the Chippettes become famous and compete with the Chipmunks. Also, each Chippette is the exact female version of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore; so its as if they had sex changes in the future and came back to the present. The movie does have some adult jokes, which the kids in the audience probably won't even notice. But I thought it was weird when Theodore sleeps with Zachary Levi and Zach gives him a dutch oven. Isn't that hamster like 8 years old? I wouldn't be doing stuff in bed with it. Also, I would've appreciated to hear the exact scientific reason in this movie explaining how chipmunks can talk, have personalities, and be pop stars. No other animal in this is CGI animated. Christina Applegate does the voice of the lead Chippette (should I capitalize these or not?), and I caught her on Conan O'Brien this morning and her tits were noticeably still missing (she got them cut off but was supposed to get new ones soon). But hey, you've got to be pretty fucking brave to show up on The Tonight Show with your tits cut off.

Starring Brando Eaton, Cameron Richardson, David Cross, Jason Lee, Jesse McCartney, Justin Long, Kevin G. Schmidt, Lauren Cornell, Matthew Gray Gubler, Zachary Levi, PG, 1 hr. 28 min., Directed by: Betty Thomas, Release Date: Dec 23, 2009, Box Office (as of 1/31/10): $209.2M

Avatar (2009)

Yes, it was absolutely fucking great. I would not say Avatar was at all over-hyped. When the first teaser came out everyone thought it looked absolutely ridiculous (primarily because of the blue-skinned alien cat people). A YouTube video hit the internet immediately where Hitler made fun of it (I didn't know Hitler was still alive.) Then, the funniest South Park of this season brutally made fun of it. It was kind of astonishing how Trey knew the whole storyline. Anyways, it finally came out and is one of the best-reviewed movies of the year next to Star Trek. A $75 million dollar opening weekend is not bad, could've been better, but I'm sure word-of-mouth will increase its earnings (as long as it outgrosses that stupid fucking Blind Side movie I will be happy). If you read movie news, you know James Cameron announced this was his next project right after Titanic came out. That was 12 years ago. In recent interviews he has said that he needed more time for film technology to improve. And it was well-worth the wait. Trust me, you have never seen a movie before in history that looks as good as Avatar does. The special effects, the 3-D aspect of it; nothing has ever been done like this in a film before. It will likely win an Oscar in every technical category. Now that I've praised that, let me talk about the story. The story is so good that it actually vindicates the $265 million dollars spent on making the film. Probably the best futuristic film I've ever seen. The aspect of it that is pro-environment and "green" is not showcased in a kind of preachy way (I HATE that shit); you really feel for the plight of these beautiful Pandora natives. It's also sad that in the future we have not learned from mankind's past mistakes of eliminating a population just to gain land and resources. One of the best parts of Avatar is rising star Sam Worthington, an Australian actor who seems to have pretty much become famous overnight. Rarely does a new actor suddenly appear who is actually worth the praise and attention (that means you, Robert fucking Patterson). He's so likeable, an amazing talent, and highly deserving of his newfound fame. Looking forward to him in Clash of the Titans and many more great movies to come (as long as he doesn't start doing chick flicks). Having Sigourney Weaver appear in this too was absolutely delightful (the only James Cameron film she has done before is Aliens, which shot her to super-stardom). For 60 years old, Sigourney looks great in this. At a runtime of 2 hours and 45 minutes, you might start to get a little cramped, but never at any time does the movie become boring or uninteresting. Trust me, you'll never say, "Christ, when will this be over!" My hopes is that there will be a director's cut that is even longer. I would say this is my 3rd favorite movie of the year after Watchmen and Star Trek. I would highly recommend it, but I know all of you are already out there seeing it. I'm going to go see it again as soon possible.

Starring Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, Sigourney Weaver, Stephen Lang, Michelle Rodriguez, Giovanni Ribisi, Joel Moore, CCH Pounder, Laz Alonso (HEY, he was in Leprechaun 6!), Wes Studi, Dileep Rao, PG-13, 2 hrs. 40 min., Directed by: James Cameron, Release Date: Dec 18, 2009, Box Office (as of 2/7/10): $630M

Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire (2009)

All I knew about this movie was that it was about a dumb retarded black child who goes to school or something. When I first saw the poster I mistook it for one of those Tyler Perry movies. I will never see one; because it's about a drag queen and I hate them and think they all should be killed (they fucking freak the shit out of me). So, this movie was pretty much a pleasant surprise. The black girl is not that dumb. She's a genius at math (pretty much because she has a crush on the math teacher though). But wait, she can't read! I take it back, she's dumb as fuck. The movie gets interestingly DARK when her home life is revealed. Her mother is physically abusive. She throws ashtrays at her head (which shatter), smacks her around, and even tries to kill her by throwing a television off the top of the stairs (which would've been pretty funny). And when the mother verbally abuses her, full of such anger and hatred, and the terrible things she says; well this is pretty much better than Mommie Dearest. But that's not even the best part! Her father (who's not around) has molested the shit out of her her whole life! (There's a disturbing scene where he's raping her and using a jar of vaseline, and his fat belly is coated in the jelly; FUCKING SICK!). Wait, it gets better - her first child with him is a mental retard which she named MONGO! Yes, MONGO! Like, as in MONGOLOID. Now she's pregnant with his second child! The rest of the movie is about her getting accepted into an alternative school where a strong black woman teaches her how to read and write, with a bunch of other ghetto kids. This turned out great though, because it's definitely not another one of those sappy, dumb movies where some high-and-mighty teacher turns around a bunch of underachievers and makes them A-students. Pretty much because a bunch of really fucked-up shit is constantly happening. The dumb black child in this really deserves an Oscar. It's amazing how someone can act THAT stupid, and bring a lot of emotion to the role. Now that's fucking acting. Oh, and if that really was Mariah Carey as the social worker, she's really fucking ugly.

Starring Gabourey Sidibe, Mo'Nique, Paula Patton, Mariah Carey, Sherri Shepherd, Lenny Kravitz, R, 1 hr. 49 min., Directed by: Lee Daniels, Release Date: Nov 06, 2009, Box Office (as of 1/31/10): $45.4M

Brothers (2009)

I kind of didn't like how Jake Gyllenhaal starred in some cool movies in the beginning like Donnie Darko, and hell, even Bubble Boy, and then became huge over night and blew up to become this huge star (I don't think he's been in a movie I've liked since). Plus, he didn't even make a comment when his boyfriend, Heath Ledger, passed away last year. And I haven't liked Tobey McGuire much since he starred in That '70s Show (he played Eric, right?) He's an incredibly wooden actor who I hardly even remember in Spider-Man. Natalie Portman is awesome as fuck though. Remember that movie she did when she was 12 where Jean Reno molested her? (She came on to him, really). Anyways, Brothers is about a love triangle between, you guessed it, 2 brothers and 1 of their wives. Tobey McGuire is a soldier in Iraqistan, and Jake Gyllenhaal is a bum out of prison (never explained why). Tobey is presumably killed over there, so some army guys come over her house and make her all sad. She fucking whines and sobs all the time until Jake comes over and makes everything better. The twist is, Tobey is NOT dead, he's being held prisoner with a friend who also survived the helicopter crash! The Arabs do horrible things to the both of them, like make them french kiss, blow eachother, and do anal, while they film the whole thing. He gets freed of course, and comes back home with POST TRAUMATIC GAY SYNDROME, which causes him to yell and scream and destroy the nice new kitchen. There's a lot of Oscar talk for Tobey in this. Apparently because he can scream all loud while spit flies out of his mouth, and that is paramount to being a great actor.

Starring Natalie Portman, Tobey Maguire, Jake Gyllenhaal, Clifton Collins Jr., and my friend John Geare’s daughter, Directed by: Jim Sheridan, Release Date: 12/4/09, Box Office: $28.5M

Everybody’s Fine (2009)

What a surprise, Robert De Niro does another safe movie that is pretty boring but will probably thrill old people. Yes, everybody does seem totally fine in the movie, and that could've been solved in the first five minutes and been over. It would've been more interesting if it was called "Everybody's NOT Fine", and Robert De Niro went on a mission to kill all his children with a shotgun because they wouldn't visit him. That's just what the movie is about (sans the killing); he plays a lonely widower whose four children cancel their family visit they had promised him so he decides to go traveling across the country to surprise them with a visit. He's so boring they probably hadn't planned on visiting him again until it was sure that he would be in a coffin. You would feel sorry for the guy if he wasn't so fucking lame. Well, at least he doesn't whine about his dead wife though. Also, if you've seen the preview you've pretty much seen the whole movie. His children are Sam Rockwell, Kate Beckingsale, and Drew Barrymore. I waited a long time for Drew Barrymore to show up in hopes she would make the movie better, but her appearance changed nothing. Also, all of his children are LIARS and don't think their father can HANDLE THE TRUTH so they're basically all treating him like a child. I know I made this into a joke, but the twist of the movie is that everybody's actually NOT fine, and it starts becoming really fucking sad. I'll be the first to admit that I cried at the ending, which was so emotionally devastating. Does that redeem it? A little. I just miss the days when Robert De Niro did edgier stuff. Like the wild punk he played in Martin Scorsese’s Mean Streets. There's also a movie from the '70s where he has a threesome with some naked chick and Gerard DePardieu, and she actually puts Gerard's hand on De Niro's cock and he beats him off. If that's not edgy I don't know what is. Don't believe me, check out this photo from the movie - http://www.omgblog.com/images/deniro-depardieu-nude.jpg WARNING - this is pretty much gay porn though.

Starring Robert De Niro, Drew Barrymore, Sam Rockwell, Kate Beckingsale, Directed by: Kirk Jones, Release Date: 12/4/09, Box Office: $8.8M

Transylmania (2009)

Hey, this was surprisingly funny and not-bad. There probably hasn't been a college road-trip movie as good as this since National Lampoon's Senior Trip. (Yes, I thought Road Trip and Euro Trip both sucked). The film is about a horny guy (who looks like Steve Zahn's younger brother) who is internet-dating a totally hot Romanian chick, so he convinces his 7 horny friends to spend a college semester in Romania to meet her. Most of them are stoners, some are geeks, one is sexually confused, and all 3 girls of course are hot babes. The only recognizable star out of all of them is James DeBello, just because of his 3-minute scene in Scary Movie 2 ("RAY FUCKED ME!") and his big part in National Lampoon's Dorm Daze, which no one probably saw (and no one's going to see this either, I was even the only one there). There's a pretty funny scene where 2 of the stoners fill huge condoms with pot, lube them up like dildos, and shove them up eachother's asses to smuggle drugs into the country. Hey, if you love pot that much it's probably not gay. Once in Romania, they soon discover the legend of the vampires who once ruled the land, and the castle that has become their new college campus was their home. They meet a hot-babe vampire slayer (who looks almost as sexy as Kate Beckingsale in Underworld), and she is also the instructor in the only class they take during the movie - Combat & Self-Defense, which teaches you how to kill vampires. The vampires are still there of course, they've just been waiting 500 years to find a music box which will unleash the soul of the vampire queen. The head vampire is the main character's exact copy, so the actor plays dual roles. Oh, and his online girlfriend turns out to be a hideous hunchback with an evil midget father, who has plans as diabolical as Dr. Frankenstein. Anyways, one of the girls in the crew acquires the magical music box, and whenever she opens it, she is possessed by the vampire queen. Much confusion, pot-smoking, fighting, and other hijnks ensue. Plenty of naked breasts, and most of the gags really play off and the movie is often very funny. Everything you would expect from a teen stoner horror-spoof screwball comedy, but more. Definitely more worth watching than those fucking Twilight movies.

Starring Oren Skoog, James DeBello, Patrick Cavanaugh, Jennifer Lyons, Musetta Vander, Tony Denman, Directed by: David Hillenbrand, Release Date: 12/4/09, Opening Weekend: $0.2M

The Road (2009)

I love movies set in post-apocalyptic settings. And star Viggo Mortensen is such an enigmatic actor who is always a great joy to watch. He's been doing nothing but bleak movies for the past few years. You'll never see Viggo Mortensen in a romantic comedy. The Road is truly a spectacular film about survival, hope, and family, and is from the same writer of No Country for Old Men. It takes place ten years after a cataclysmic event that destroyed most of life on earth, but they never waste any time explaining why (I would guess nuclear destruction). Viggo Mortensen plays a loving father who looks after his ten-year-old son, and is trying to teach him the tools to survive. The road is hard and long, scavenging for food is nearly impossible, and there are multiple gangs of cannibals all over the place. Some of the scenes where they run into the cannibals are so grisly and disturbing. But Viggo and his son are the "Good Guys", and have the hope that if they make it to the Atlantic coast life will be better there. There are frequent flashbacks to the time when everything started, and Viggo (sans the Grizzly Adams look) was living happily with his pregnant wife (Charlie Theron). Since she's not in the rest of the movie it's pretty evident that something bad happened to her, and you often see Viggo in tears when he remembers these flashbacks. The father and son do have some luck along the way, like finding an unopened coke can (his son has never had a soda in his life), and later delight in finding a bomb shelter filled with canned food. But still, the entire movie is utterly heartbreaking, and the "happy" ending is very bittersweet. It was also scary driving home after the movie. There were fucking roads everywhere.

Starring Viggo Mortensen, Kodi Smit-McPhee, Charlize Theron, Robert Duvall, Garret Dillahunt, Guy Pearce, Molly Parker, Directed by: John Hillcoat, Release Date: 11/25/09, Opening Weekend: $1.5M

Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009)

I cringed at the trailer for this because it looked like a little kid’s movie. I fucking hate little kids movies. If you went to go see Planet 51 or Astro Boy by yourself without children then you're a fucking retard. But then I discovered this was actually directed by Wes Anderson, one of my all-time favorite directors. He's done some of the best movies ever - including Bottle Rocket, Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, and The Darjeeling Limited. I was also pleasantly surprised that this is NOT a kid's movie; it plays much better for adults. You see the talking animals in this film in ADULT situations, and none of it is immature. I usually hate nothing more than talking animals in movies (it's so juvenile), but here you have the voices of George Fucking Clooney, Oscar Queen Meryl Streep, the brilliant Jason Schwartzman, and the legendary Bill Murray. And the stop-motion animation is astonishing, much better than all that Pixar CGI and Disney animation Hollywood has been shoving down your throats for years. Stop-motion animation is fucking old school. George Clooney plays Mr. Fox, a retired bird thief who has settled down with his wife played by Meryl Streep. When they move to a new upscale tree home, and three bird farms are close by, he goes back to his old tricks. The farmers soon fight back and it's all-out war. I freaked out a little when Mr. Fox lost his tail to a farmer's shotgun blast, and the farmer used it as a necktie. The movie is constantly funny, the foxes do act quite dignified, but they ARE wild animals. When they eat they snap and snarl and ravage their food. Jason Schwartzman is great as their "special" son who is trying to prove he is a great athlete, and is overshadowed by his cousin who arrives as a houseguest and knows karate. I also loved how the dead animals have X's over their eyes. The film retains the style and feel of previous Wes Anderson films, which I've always thought were magical. Quite an interesting project for him. Fantastic film.

With the voices of: George Clooney, Meryl Streep, Jason Schwartzman, Bill Murray, Owen Wilson, Angelica Huston, Cate Blanchett, Directed by: Wes Anderson, Release Date: 11/25/09, Opening Weekend: $10M

Ninja Assassin (2009)

Wow. Apparently you CAN bring a sword to a gunfight. I've been waiting for this movie to come out for months, and it did not disappoint. It's full of such mindless bloodshed and action that the only downside is that is tries to have an actual plot. The opening scene is absolutely killer, where Ninja Assassin takes down a group of Asian mobsters. It's an absolute orgy of flying limbs and gore. Heads severed, bodies cut in half, the walls painted with blood! When this guy throws his massive ninja stars at you they go right through your body. Awesome action, but then the next scene is about 2 boring Europol agents talking about ninjas, and you're suddenly disappointed by the realization that there is going to be a story. So we have to keep cutting back to these guys every now and then between action scenes. Although, the first half of the movie features awesome flashbacks of Ninja Assassin's youth, where he was brutally trained to be a ninja by some sadistic asshole. He pushes him to his limits. I love when he says "YOU THINK THIS IS PAIN?!", and then puts his hand through his stomach and goes "THIS IS PAIN!" Then they go and kill Ninja Assassin's girlfriend and he gets all whiny about it so he declares revenge on the clan. He is obviously the best ninja in the world, since he can defeat about 50 of them at a time. I totally fucking love ninjas, they're probably way more awesome than vampires, pirates, Australians, etc. Sad to see there was actually white people in this though, and that all the Asians speak English even when the round-eyes are not around. I was also surprised to find out that Asians bleed red, since it is popular American opinion that their blood is green. Pretty awesome movie.

Starring Rain, Naomie Harris, Ben Miles, Directed by: James McTeigue, Release Date: 11/25/09, Opening Weekend: $13.3M

The Blind Side (2009)

I don't think I've ever been more pissed off after leaving a movie before. I was full of rage! I wanted to tear people to fucking pieces! What an exhausting, painful movie to sit through! It never fucking ended! It had like 50 endings! I should've burned the whole fucking movie theatre down! Goddamn you Sandra Bullock! What are you, like, trying to bully your way into an Oscar or something? Why don't I go dig up Jessica Tandy, pry her Oscar out of her cold, dead hands, and go shove it up your ass? I fucking groaned when I saw the poster before the movie, and realized it was one of those football films. I fucking hate football movies more than anything. I actually think the best one ever made was The Waterboy, so that's how much I like football movies. The movie is about a rich white family living in Tennessee who is led by walking Humanitarian-of-the-Year Award Sandra Bullock, who takes pity on a large black homeless child and takes him in and nurtures him. He's 17, but has an 80 IQ so he's dumber than Forrest Gump. She gets him enrolled in a Christian school where he gets to be in first grade. Then he becomes interested in football since he's a massive behemoth giant and can tackle people like crazy. Then after an hour it’s suddenly a football movie, and you have another dreadful hour to go. The family actually owns a Taco Bell, and they should've made the movie about that, since everyone fucking loves Taco Bell! Once football agents see video of Colossus tackling somebody, they all fight over him to join their big deal college football teams. He gets all upset and tries to find his crack head mother, which leads to the movie's only good scene where he attacks a room full of gangbangers. He throws them through walls and everything. This would've worked better as a superhero movie. The critics call this film crap like "touching" and "heartwarming", but there are so many better movies than this with the same theme that actually delivered. Hell, even that dumb football movie where Cuba Gooding Jr. played a retard was better. Remember that movie? "RADIO BAD! RADIO BAD!" LOL

Starring Sandra Bullock, Quinton Aaron, Tim McGraw, Kathy Bates, Directed by: John Lee Hancock, Release Date: 11/20/09, Opening Weekend: $34.1M

The Twilight Saga - Twilight II: New Moon (2009)

Aw fuck, I kind of liked it. Don't get me wrong, I still laughed my ass off through the whole thing (the lady who was sitting behind me gave me a real dirty look when I left), but I tried to muffle my laughs to try not to piss off anyone. I hated the first Twilight a lot because it was a romance with a faggy vampire aimed towards women, and I just could not fucking stand the ugly gay vampire. But in this one he's actually gone for most of the movie! He's replaced by the Native American werewolf boy, who still has "gay-in-the-face" syndrome. But he's all fucking ripped so he looks like he can fend off the fag bashers who are going to come at him with 2-by-4's. Whereas Edward Cullen (the faggy vampire) is so skinny and has girly arms everyone could totally go all Matthew Shepard on his ass. It's funny because when Bella finally turns 18 and it's legal to fuck her, he makes up some lame story where he has to leave just because he's really just gay and cannot stomach the thought of fucking a woman. Did I mention his skin sparkles like a disco ball? Just like the one hanging at his favorite gay bar I bet. So in his absence we're treated to some awesome fucking drunk injun werewolves, who are pretty bad ass. They turn into massive wolves and tear vampires to pieces, which is easy because they're a bunch of fags. I did laugh out loud at the scene where Bella gets a small papercut and the wolf boy takes off his whole shirt to stop the bleeding. There's a good finale in Italy where Bella goes to save Edward from committing suicide (because he cannot live with being gay anymore), and we're treated to this bad-ass, but still kind of faggy, vampire family called the Voltaire led by Michael Sheen. He was the lead werewolf in the Underworld movies, and played the journalist in that movie Frost/Nixon, where a werewolf interviewed Skeletor. Then Dakota Fanning appears as a baby vampire whose power is to cause pain. Finally some tough fucking vampires. There's even a decent vampire fight. Well, this sure was a hell of a lot better than the first one. And you don't have to wait too long for the third installment, which comes out next June, called "The Twilight Saga: The Search for Spock".

Starring Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner, Michael Sheen, Dakota Fanning, Peter Facinelli, Directed by: Chris Weitz, Release Date: 11/20/09, Opening Weekend: $142.8M (*3rd biggest opening weekend of all time, after Spider-Man 3 and The Dark Knight)

Pirate Radio (The Boat That Rocked) (2009)

You could argue that the British are the ugliest people in the world, and then show this film in your debate, since it is 2 hours of HARD PROOF. This film takes place in 1966, which was about 44 years ago, so people were already of lower intelligence, and apparently England was a bad place to live if you liked rock 'n roll because of the elitist nazi government who banned it from the airwaves. Probably because they were too busy planning on trying to take over America again and getting their asses kicked. We should've just nuked them anyway and been done with them. So, because rock is banned, a bunch of Austin Powers wannabes do a pirate radio station on a big boat in the ocean so they don't get caught or something. God forbid you hear something as satanic as Strawberry Fields Forever on the fucking airwaves. The film constantly cuts to this British pompous ass played by Kenneth Branagh (who they made all faggy-looking by making him grow a moustache) who is some important guy I guess who is trying to put a stop to pirate radio, which makes him the villain of the movie. Meanwhile, the crew on the boat is having a fun time rebelling, playing their shitty music, and being fucking stupid assholes. I love it when the young guy is finally going to lose his virginity, and in the 2 minutes he goes looking for a condom, Shaun of the Dead's Nick Frost grabs her and starts fucking her. I used to love Nick Frost, but he is the biggest dick in the movie and also the ugliest. Since real ugly people are considered the best looking in England, he gets laid a lot. But he is disgustingly fat, covered in back hair, and has teeth resembling an animal's. Another young guy gets married on the boat only to have his wife leave him 17 hours later to go fuck the most popular DJ, played by hideous Rhys Ifans. Phillip Seymour Hoffman plays the only American on the boat and I have absolutely nothing to say about him. Luckily in the end the boat sinks and everyone fucking dies.

Starring Tom Sturridge, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Kenneth Branagh, Rhys Ifans, Nick Frost, Bill Nighy, Directed by: Richard Curtis, Release Date: 11/13/09, Opening Weekend: $2.9M

2012 (2009)

Roland Emmerich is known for doing really dumb, but wildly entertaining apocalyptic special effects movies about destruction and the end of the world. Hell, I loved Independence Day, even though it was ridiculous, and I even enjoyed his take on Godzilla (one of the worst movies ever made). The only one I didn't like was The Day After Tomorrow, because I don't believe in global warming so that was a little too far-fetched for me (and what, aliens and Godzilla weren't? LOL). It's been ten years and global warming still hasn't destroyed the earth. So now he's on too the next big thing, which is even more far-fetched - the end of the world in 2012. The Mayan calendar ends and the planets will align so it will be the end of the world as we know it. I think you'd be a fool to believe this, I mean, it would be too much of a coincidence after the whole stupid Mayan thing and especially now that they've made a big budget movie about it. But I think the world's government should be building gigantic ships like the ones portrayed in this movie just in case. I won't even try to explain the plot, because it's so ridiculous, but just know it's about John Cusack trying to save his family while the world falls apart around them and tries to get them on one of the ships. There is a lot of stupid shit, like for example when his ex-wife and her new husband are arguing in a grocery store and he says "I feel like we're being pulled apart!" and then that very second a crack in the ground opens between them literally pulling them apart. LOL. The reason to see it is the amazing special effects (which they spent over $260 million dollars on, good luck on making that back), where you get to see the world falling apart. The best is the total and utter destruction of California, where you finally get to see huge chunks of it just sliding into the ocean, which I've been waiting to happen for years. Seems unfair though that all my favorite celebrities die, and yet John Cusack gets to live. Woody Harrelson shows up with a good part as a crazy conspiracy theorist who this time, is right about everything. Danny Glover evens plays President of the United States, Barrack Obama. It was a little too cheesy they had an actor playing Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger though, since people only play him to make fun of him. So, in summary, the film is just as fun as a roller coaster ride, and don't worry, the world isn't going to end in 2 years.

Starring John Cusack, Amanda Peet, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Woody Harrelson, Oliver Platt, Danny Glover, Thandie Newton, John Billingsly, George Segal, Jimi Mistry, Directed by: Roland Emmerich, Release Date: 11/13/09, Opening Weekend: $65.2M

The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day (2009)

I remember pretty much nothing about the first Boondock Saints, which is a huge cult classic by now. I've been hearing about a sequel for the last 4 years, and was surprised it finally came out. At least this sequel is made by the original writer/director, and all of the original cast returns. The film opens with the MacManus brothers (Sean Patrick Flanery and Norman Reedus) hiding out in Ireland after their killing spree in the first film where they eliminated a bunch of bad mobster guys back home in Boston. They're total crazy Jesus freaks or something, so when they hear a beloved priest back home has been murdered, they decide to go back and get revenge. So you're treated to a whole movie of a lot of gunfire, rock music, and dry humor, the likes of which is so reminiscent of many an action film. I don't remember the brothers speaking in an Irish accent in the original, so maybe they picked it up during the 8 years they spent in Ireland? They seem pretty awesome though, since they drink, smoke, and swear as much as a young Colin Farrel. On the boat over here they meet a wily Mexican guy who is a big fan of them and they let him join the team. He is played by Clifton Collins Jr., who played the villain at the end of this year's Crank 2, and strangely looks like a Mexican Mike Patton. He turns out to be one of the best parts of the movie, with a lot of funny lines, and he constantly has to put up with a lot of racist bullshit spewed at him (hell, even by the brothers). Julie Benz, best known as the girlfriend from TV's Dexter, shows up as some genius FBI agent with a southern accent, and she is so convincing in her role that I didn't realize it was the chick from Dexter the whole time. She teams up with 3 dumb ass police detectives, who know the brothers so they must've been in the first film. Judd Nelson appears as an evil mobster guy and he's so old now it hardly looked like him. The Boondock Saints is a cool action film, and if you liked the original you should love this one. There's also a cool cameo near the end by a big name who was apparently killed off in the first one.

Starring Sean Patrick Flanery, Norman Reedus, Billy Connolly, Julie Benz, Clifton Collins Jr., Judd Nelson, Directed by: Troy Duffy, Release Date: 10/30/09, Opening Weekend: $1M

The Box (2009)

This is this week's SPOILER FILLED REVIEW! The movie is about a disfigured guy (Frank Langella) who comes to Cameron Diaz and James Marsden's house and presents to them a box with a button on it, and if they push the button 2 things will happen - someone they do not know will die, and they will receive 1 million dollars. Wouldn't be much to talk about if I didn't tell you that Cameron Diaz does indeed press the button, since she's a money hungry bitch with a mutilated foot and her husband is a NASA asshole that just spent all their money on a fancy new car. Did I mention this is 1976? A million dollars was a lot of money back then. And who wouldn't push the fucking button? 5% of the population? I was thinking I would push the button even before hearing the rules, and laugh about the poor dumb bastard I murdered while I drink martinis on my yacht. That's until you learn the ghastly consequences. Pushing the button is actually a test, and if you don't push it you pass. And Frank Langella is actually an alien from Mars, who originally also worked at NASA and was struck by a gigantic bolt of lightning when they received their first radio transmission from said planet. GREAT CGI ON HIS FACE! Half of it is missing and you can see inside his jaw! So this alien is just using him as a host body, and handing all these boxes out to people to test the human race to see if they deserve not to be annihilated. When they break the rules, like telling other people about the box, bad shit starts to happen. Which is sad because never once in the movie do they get to enjoy the fucking money. They should've been celebrating with a drunken swinger’s coke party! The Box is based on a short story (about 6 pages long), which I remember being tested on in fifth grade (a kind of morality test - I said back then I wouldn't push the button), and was also made into a Twilight Zone episode. The movie is so well-made and engaging that it's so astonishing how they came up with a great storyline to expand the idea of the original story. And there, I didn't even ruin it with the biggest spoiler. I want it to be a surprise.

Starring Cameron Diaz, James Marsden, Frank Langella, Directed by: Richard Kelly, Release Date: 11/6/09, Box Office: $14.9M

The Fourth Kind (2009)

First movie I've ever seen where the lead actor comes on beforehand, says their name, and tells you what you are about to see. And who better than Milla Jovovich, one of my favorite actresses, who I've loved since her debut in Return to the Blue Lagoon. The Fourth Kind is based on a true story, and most parts are dramatized, but it shockingly mixes the whole movie with that and ACTUAL FOOTAGE AND AUDIO, which is so fucking shocking and scary it makes Paranormal Activity look like a joke. Which it was, since it was trying too hard to be scary, almost as if the makers had a guidebook to what scares people. But you cannot deny the cold hard facts represented in this movie. In 2000, in the town of Nome, Alaska, many residents were experiencing encounters - the 1st kind being seeing a UFO, the 2nd kind seeing evidence, the 3rd kind an alien encounter, and the 4th kind being ALIEN ABDUCTION. Milla Jovovich plays a psychiatrist dealing with people who have been having such encounters, and the film often split screens between the real and dramatized footage. She hypnotizes them and what you'll see and hear is insane and frightening. The scariest part is seeing real footage of someone levitate off their bed screaming, and hearing real audio of a non-human voice speaking in the ancient Sumerian language. Plus they also captured the light in the sky and then the dark round shape hovering above a house before an abduction, captured by police camera and seen by the officer. I've seen a ton of UFOS, and I used to think aliens would be friendly but after seeing this I now believe they are vicious monsters that want to hurt you, rape you, and steal your children. The voice sounds like a fucking demon! Milla Jovovich soon starts having encounters of her own, and the asshole town cop played by Will Patton (a despisable VILLAIN) thinks she is fucking crazy and constantly puts her down, probably because he is too scared to face the truth of what is happening to his town. All the abductees also reported seeing a white owl outside their window before their first encounter, which freaks the shit out of me because just last night I was woken to this ungodly noise outside my window in my new house that just turned out to be an owl hooing. I'M NEXT!

Starring Milla Jovovich, Elias Koteas, Will Patton, Directed by: Olatunde Osunsanmi, Release Date: 11/6/09, Box Office: $25.4M

The Men Who Stare at Goats (2009)

Rare case of me liking the poster more than the movie. Not the one shown here, but the one at the theatre where even the goat is billed 5th in the cast list. Movie is still pretty good though. It's about a wussy journalist played by Ewan McGregor who goes to Iraq to prove something to himself and his ex-girlfriend and runs into a defunct psychic super soldier played by George Clooney, and decides to follow him on his mission and tell his story. Most of the movie is played in flashbacks, with Ewan McGregor narrating, and shows how a hippie military "DUDE" played by Jeff Bridges trained soldiers how to be "Jedi Warriors", basically by giving them a bunch of fucking LSD and amphetamines. George Clooney becomes the best student, and even stops a goat’s heart with his mind, but it just looks like he does it by staring at it real hard. Which is funny, and George Clooney sports an awesome moustache in this (his first?). I'm usually against moustaches, because it makes people look like big faggots, but hey, this is George fucking Clooney, he can pull anything off. It's also ironic how Clooney keeps throwing around the word "Jedi" to McGregor, since he played Obi-Wan Kenobi in all the Star Wars prequels. But since everyone thought those sucked, no one really quite remembers. (I loved them all, even Phantom Menace). And Ewan McGregor looks great after his facial surgery, where he got all those big disgusting moles removed from his face that were suspiciously CANCER. I've loved Ewan McGregor since Shallow Grave and Trainspotting, even though he usually has real gay sex in half the movies he's in. Rent The Pillow Book, an old fat Asian guy actually goes down on Ewan's cock to the base, and they show everything. So when he has to share a bed with George Clooney in this film I was totally expecting a gay suck fest. But it didn't happen, so Ewan McGregor must've sold out.

Starring George Clooney, Ewan McGregor, Jeff Bridges, Kevin Spacey, Robert Patrick, Stephen Root, Nick Offerman, Directed by: Grant Heslov, Release Date: 11/6/09, Box Office: $32.4M

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (2009)

Although it is rated PG-13, Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant still seems like one of those stupid, immature Nickelodeon kid's movies that comes out around Halloween. And it definitely won't become part of the vampire craze that is currently going on and poisoning our youth. But the movie is saved by the great John C. Reilly. He's always playing the goofy, semi-retarded sidekick or lead goofball, so you forget what a great actor he is. He's awesome in this as a 200-year-old good vampire, with a killer accent and altogether sense of malevolence. The story is about 2 best friends - 1 spider obsessed and 1 vampire obsessed, who get invited to a midnight freak show hosted by ringleader John C. Reilly. Then you're treated to an assortment of stars playing freaks, from Salma Hayek playing a bearded lady, Ken Watanabe playing a tall-man, Jane Krakowski playing a woman who can regrow limbs, Orlando Jones as a man with no stomach, and even Willem Dafoe shows up as a vampire. The spider-obsessed kid gets drawn into being Reilly's assistant, and becomes half-vampire, much to the dismay of his best friend, who begs to be made a vampire. But he does little assistant work, instead he is drawn into a war between vampires (who don't kill their victims, just drink a little blood here and there), and the "vampenese", who murder their victims. The Punisher: War Zone's Ray Stevenson has an awesome part in this as a bad-ass vampire. The kid quickly moves to a carnival, where all the freaks live, and learns to use his vampire powers and falls in love with a monkey girl. The movie is whimsical and entertaining, but I feel like I'm 20 years too old for it. Great movie for your kids. Hey, it's gotta to be better than that Twilight garbage, AMIRITE?

Starring John C. Reilly, Ken Watanabe, Chris Massoglia, Josh Hutcherson, Salma Hayek, Ray Stevenson, Patrick Fugit, Jane Krakowski, Orlando Jones, Willem Dafoe, Directed by: Paul Weitz, Release Date: 10/23/09, Box Office: $13.6M

Law Abiding Citizen (2009)

I've seen Gerard Butler's face everywhere lately man. On Conan O'Brien and as host of Saturday Night Live last week, in the horrible movie Gamer last month, and last summer's chick flick The Ugly Bitch. But I don't mind because he's really grown on me. He's pretty awesome, a MAN'S man, and although Gamer sucked he sure kicked ass in it! He's the best Scottish actor since Ewan McGregor and Sean Connery (even though those are the only 3 I know of). So, he's really come a long way since starring in 300, and has proven he can really carry a movie. Which he does here in Law Abiding Citizen, he's the whole fucking reason to watch. He plays a guy living in Philadelphia who is some genius engineer, and one night during a home invasion he has to watch his wife and young daughter murdered right before his very eyes! The 2 men responsible get caught, and one sells the other out for a limited jail sentence. The one guy gets death row, and the other guy goes free, and Gerard Butler is shocked to see the guy shaking hands with the lawyer played by Jamie Foxx. Jamie Foxx is obviously a very important lawyer in this, maybe District Attorney or something. So it's revealed that the justice system is very corrupt and Gerard Butler spends ten years plotting his revenge on them. First he gets the guy who got away, in an awesome torture scene where he cuts him into 25 pieces! Then he turns his eyes on the justice system, including lawyer Jamie Foxx, the judge, and everyone else behind it. Even when he is imprisoned for the first murder he keeps on killing from behind bars! You know why? Because he's a fucking genius and no one fucks with Gerard Butler! So he's really AN HERO, and you root for him the whole time, until the movie takes a ridiculous turn and sympathizes with Jamie Foxx's side, making Gerard Butler out to be the actual villain! That fucking sucked! Fuck Jamie Foxx in this movie, he's not the hero; he shook the killer's hand and everything! He should die! Fuck him and his stupid fucking gay music career!

Starring Gerard Butler, Jamie Foxx, Colm Meaney, Bruce McGill, Regina Hall, Viola Davis, Directed by: F. Gary Gray, Release Date: 10/16/09, Box Office: $73.3M

Where the Wild Things Are (2009)

I read the children's book "Where the Wild Things Are" the other week in a designer clothing store while I was there looking for rape victims, er, I mean a hot date. It's pretty crappy; it's about 9 sentences long and is insulting to five year olds. I remember thinking it was stupid when I was a kid too, but I actually read Stephen King when I was 7 (Ooh I'm so smart and was very mature for my age, OOH). This must've been director Spike Jonze's favorite book when he was a kid, since he's one of those strange Hollywood weirdo retards. So he made it into a movie, but actually did a pretty amazing job for stretching 9 sentences into a 90-minute feature film. This was actually made over 4 years ago, in-the-can, and shelved for a long period, presumably because it sucked and the movie studio was embarrassed by it. Whatever, it's a decent movie. But I could go either way on it. Other critics have said it's a little dark for a children's movie, but still seems like a bit immature kiddie flick to me. We had way more fucking darker kid movies in the '80s, so this is pretty tame. And besides, kids aren't going to see it, just a bunch of people my age who thought this book was awesome or something growing up. It's about a very disturbed, mentally challenged young boy who likes to dress up in a wolf costume and act feral, and one night because he's not getting enough attention, he bites his mother and runs away like a little bitch. He gets in a boat and travels to a far-away, fantastical world, which is all in his imagination. Much like Pan's Labyrinth but not awesome. He meets a bunch of wild monsters, who look ridiculous, either in costume or CGI, and they all have the mentality of a child. It took me awhile to figure out the lead monster, Carol (guy monster with a chick name) was voiced by James Gandolfini, which was fitting because he sounded like a retarded New Jersey mobster. The film also deals with the bizarre sexual fetish known as "Macrophilism", which involves miniaturizing yourself and entering an orifice of a larger beast. This happens when the boy enters the mouth of a monster to hide, and is all sticky and moist inside. Perverts with the affliction of this sexual fetish will jerk off to this. Check out this article on Macrophilism here - http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Macrophile

Starring Max Records, James Gandolfini, Lauren Ambrose, Catherine Keener, Forest Whitaker, Chris Cooper, Catherine O’Hara, Directed by: Spike Jonze, Release Date: 10/16/09, Box Office: $77.1M

Capitalism: A Love Story (2009)

A "capitalist", contrary to popular belief, is not someone who likes to type all in caps in chatrooms or email (that's annoying, isn't it?). Its wealthy companies who get richer and richer while the poor get poorer; people that have everything, and give nothing in return. I think. Hell, maybe I'm a capitalist. I can't stop buying shit, I never have enough, and I always need more. And I don't believe in charity, because I just think it's a self-serving way to try and feel good about yourself, when in reality you're just a fucking douchebag. Documentary filmmaker Michael Moore sheds a lot of light on horrible situations and shocking truths that left the old lady sitting behind me going "Oh my god, or Oh jeez!" and moaning her fucking head off every 2 minutes. So you're treated to a lot of annoying vignettes about stupid poor people, also ugly, losing it all. And I don't get why it's called Capitalism "A Love Story". This is not a love story. Maybe they meant Michael Moore's love of hot dogs, since his chin is mustard-stained the whole movie while he holds half-eaten franks in both hands, struggling to breathe between sentences. I didn't like hearing about all the shit unveiled in this movie, nor do I care, because I prefer to live in a fantasy world where everything is great all the time. Hell, you'd be stupid not to. Never been a fan of non-fiction. There's some shocking shit in this movie I learned that I never knew about, but I don't remember any of them because I don't care enough. As far as I understand, being a capitalist rules, because you're rich as fuck. Hail capitalism!

Starring Michael Moore, a bunch of ugly poor people, and a bunch of rich Wall Street assholes, Directed by Michael Moore, Release Date: 9/23/09, Box Office: $14.3M

The Informant! (2009)

I used to totally fucking love Steven Soderbergh movies (Schizopolis is a cult classic), but then he started doing all those Ocean movies. No, they didn't take place in the ocean; they were rat pack-esque movies starring big names like George Clooney and Brad Pitt. I fucking hated the first one and they made 2 more, which I never bothered with. They should've just drowned the whole cast in the ocean in the first one and been done with them. I would've loved to have seen Julia Roberts' lungs fill up with water and sink like a stone to the bottom, or Matt Damon eaten by sharks. Wait, what the hell am I talking about? Oh yeah, the new movie. This is loosely based on a true story that begins in 1992 about a big business president-of-the-company guy who starts working with the FBI to expose something, but it's so complicated and boring I forget what. Was he even president? He was a scientist they put in charge or something. Not a CEO. I don't know. All that kind of shit bores the crap out me. The only thing that kept my attention is how Matt Damon keeps talking to himself about ridiculous things, which is often funny, and how many lies he can come up with and get away with at the same time. It's notable that Matt Damon packed on 40 pounds, so he has a gut and man boobs, grew a moustache, and wore glasses to look totally different. APPLAUSE FOR BEING SUCH A GREAT METHOD ACTOR MATT DAMON, YOU BIG FUCKING DOUCHBAG, WHAT, ARE YOU TRYING TO BULLY YOUR WAY INTO AN OSCAR? It would be funny if he couldn't lose the weight and could only get fat guy roles from now on. Cool to see Scott Bakula in here, finally getting a job after playing Captain Archer on Star Trek disaster Enterprise. Other than that, this is a sometimes amusing movie, but also long and kind of boring. I hope Matt Damon has stretch marks now.

Starring Matt Damon, Scott Bakula, Joel McHale, Melanie Lynskey, Tony Hale, Patton Oswalt, Directed by: Steven Soderbergh, Release Date: 9/18/09, Box Office: $33.3M

Gake no ue no Ponyo (Ponyo) (Ponyo on the Cliff by the Sea) (2009)

Another good anime film from that director Mr. Miyagi guy who did such masterpieces as Princess Mononoke, Spirited Away, and Howl's Moving Castle. This is probably the least good of the four, but still pretty awesome, with its enchanting fantastical animation and storytelling. This is actually a remake of The Little Mermaid, but like a really bizarre Asian version. Which suits me just fine, because there's no fucking stupid Rastafarian crab singing show tunes. The story follows this guy who lives underwater and his daughter, a fish, who gets caught by a young boy one day then longs to be human. The fish looks bizarre, like a little human head with a flowing nightgown for a body. Her mother turns out to be some sort of sea goddess, so she has inherited her powers and is able to turn herself into a human little girl. Of course, this disrupts the balance of the earth, pulling the moon closer causing the oceans to rise. So there's lots of cool imagery of raging oceans and the little oceanside city being submersed in water. Wonderfully magical tale, with lots of celebrity voices, most notably Tina Fey as the boy's mother.

Starring: Noah Lindsey Cyrus, Frankie Jonas, Tina Fey, Directed by: Hayao Miyazaki, Release Date: 8/14/09, Box Office: $15M