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DRUNKEN MOVIE REVIEWS

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Recent Movie Reviews:

Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)

          HOLY FUCKING SHIT! This has got to be the funniest comedy since The Hangover. I liked it a lot better though of course (and I'll probably be alone on this), because of the '80s theme! There really hasn't been a good comedy that went back and took place in the '80s since The Wedding Singer. Plus, it molds itself after one of my favorite '80s movie settings - the fucking gnarly screwball ski comedy theme! (Remember Ski Patrol? Pure fucking awesomeness). And it goes back in time to one of my favorite years, 1986! Damn, everything about the setting - from the clothes to the pop culture references, makes me remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, everything has gone completely to shit since then (or maybe that's just a part of growing up.) Sure, tech is great now, what with the internet and cellphones, but I can remember when the most amazing thing on the market was the NES! Anyways, the movie is so fucking laugh-out-loud hilarious, on a CONSTANT basis, that I had to learn how to control my wild laughter (you know, just tone it down a little) just to hear what was being said next. Yes, it's one of those comedies. If you're not laughing, then, man, you better go to the ER and get that stick you got shoved up your ass fucking removed. I can't really do much a review here without giving away any of the jokes, but I'll just do an overview on the basic plot. 3 old friends reunite when one of them apparently has attempted suicide from carbon-monoxide poisoning in his car in a closed garage (he wasn't actually trying to commit suicide, he just drove home drunk, cranked up some old '80s metal and started pumping the gas while hollering.) This is Rob Corddry, in a huge break-out comedy role much like Zack Galafinakis in last summer's The Hangover. The other friends are Craig Robinson (upset over his wife cheating on him), and John Cusack (upset because his girlfriend just left him), and they decide to take Corddry, along with Cusack's 20-year-old nephew, to their favorite old haunt, a ski-town where some of the best memories of their youth were made, to cheer him up. It's now a run-down, filthy, ghost-town, so they're all pretty disappointed. The old resort they used to stay in is all fucked up, and it's a downer. I love the appearance of Crispin Glover, as the pissed-off, one-armed bellboy who throws their luggage everywhere and screams (he'll appear 2-armed in the past with a much happier attitude.) Everyone has a great personality here - Robinson is the kind of laid-back dude having a mid-life crisis, Corddry is the metalhead druggie alcoholic, or, "The Wild One", the nephew is a computer geek and gaming nerd, and Cusack is the pretty normal one focused on relationships (they all even complain later about him making everything about himself, and this is evident because he's the only one with a romantic love interest story-arc throughout the movie.) The hot tub on the patio is in ruins, complete with a rotting raccoon in it. Later that night, it magically appears fixed, and cleaned, and they mistakenly think maintenance fixed it, so all go skinny dipping and booze it up, finally having a good time. But a combination of Corddry's Chernobyl energy drink (with illegal ingredients) being spilt onto the control panel, and for some reason, a squirrel, makes them time travel back to the '80s, where the ski-town is the vibrant, fun place they all remember from their youth. In their mirror reflection, they appear as their old youthful selves (love Robinson's Kid N' Play look), and this is how everyone perceives them. Except for the nephew, who is unchanged; his reflection flickers in-and-out of existence in a kind of Back to the Future photo-erasing way. So, being back in the '80s, let's just say - hijinks ensue (I said I wouldn't give away any of the jokes). And meeting a mysterious figure played by Chevy Chase who appears to be some kind of extradimensional hot tub maintenance man is their only way back to the future (hmmm, now that title makes sense). All-in-all, Hot Tub Time Machine is one of the funniest comedies I've seen in a long time, not to mention extremely imaginative, original, and inventive. Who the fuck wrote this? The funniest man alive? LOVE IT! When some big new movie comes out soon that I feel like I'm forcing myself to see, I'm gonna just go see this again instead.

Starring John Cusack, Rob Corddry, Craig Robinson, Clark Duke, Crispin Glover, Lizzy Caplan, Chevy Chase, R, 1 hr. 40 min., Directed by: Steve Pink , Release Date: Mar 26, 2010, Opening Weekend: $14M 

Inland Empire (2006)

         I've been putting this off for days. How do you write a review for a movie when... of fuck, I don't even know. Inland Empire pretty much even defies description. But, I consider it David Lynch's masterpiece. I've long been a HUGE fan of his, all the way back from Eraserhead, Blue Velvet, Wild at Heart, Twin Peaks, to Mulholland Dr. But Inland Empire takes the cake on strangeness. I love all those "WHAT THE FUCK?" moments. I love the whole atmosphere of the film, shot on standard definition digital video. It gives it a certain feel. And to be honest, I don't really care what's really going on in the film. I just love watching; this is pure entertainment. You'd go crazy trying to figure out the plot. David Lynch himself won't explain it. Even in a documentary supplement on the DVD about Inland Empire, all he does is teach you how to cook the perfect Quinoa for 30 minutes in his kitchen. Got to love the guy. Inland Empire is 3-hours-long, and man, what a ride. What's better than that? An extra hour of "deleted scenes" on the bonus disc. I used quotations there because they're not really deleted scenes, it's like a whole other hour of the movie was cut together. You could've put this hour anywhere in the film. So, basically, it's a four-hour long film. And honestly, I don't see how you can watch it without adding the 4th hour (not that you actually need it, but man, it’s great to see even more of it). Some of my favorite film lines of all time have come from this film, and I've been annoying people with them for years, hoping maybe it'll give them a feel of what the movie is like. My favorite is when Laura Dern grimaces and goes, "I'm a WHORE! Where am I? I'm sooo afraid!" The last part of that line is said sarcastically and sing song-ish. There's also a recurring line in the film, "Just look at me, and tell me if you've known me before." (my favorite response to this line is from 2 women sitting at a picnic who say, "Yes. We will do that." and then turn away.) And when the girl approaches the street merchant and says "I have heard of these watches. I know that they are magic.", and he replies, "I will sell you one if you hold my hand." I would hope I could get across the weirdness of the film to people through those lines. Or, how about whenever the film cuts to a room full of Rabbit people: one ironing in the background, one sitting on a couch, one getting home from work. They say very cryptic, strange and SERIOUS-sounding things, to much applause and even a laugh track. A girl in tears is watching the show on a small television, and maybe she's even watching the whole movie on the TV. I'll try explaining the plot. Laura Dern plays a very famous movie actress, who scores a big part, but not before a very strange meeting with a new neighbor, who tells a bizarre story. It goes: "A little boy went out to play. When he opened his door, he saw the world. As he passed through the doorway, he caused a reflection. Evil was born. Evil was born, and followed the boy." A warning is implied that Dern will go through a door in the back alley of a grocery store with the letters AXX on it. Laura Dern soon meets her dazzling costar, played by Justin Theroux, and her director, Jeremy Irons. At a table reading a figure appears in the background on the set, and when investigated, has disappeared. When Dern later goes through the door in the alleyway, apparently becoming the character in the film, she sees herself at the table read from across the room. Trapped in the small apartment on the set, it is also another dimension to a parallel world, where she is a prostitute. Her husband is a Polish gangster who deals in Polish prostitutes. A lot of the film is in Polish. She'll also be stalked by a murderer on Hollywood and Vine (the site of MANY famous Hollywood murders) where she hooks, by a screwdriver-wielding whore. At times it seems the whole thing is the actual movie she's in being filmed, but whether or not she's trapped in some other kind of reality or actually doing that is pretty much up in the air. The closing credits end with a great dance scene where a black singer lip-syncs Nina Simone's “Sinnerman”, now one of my favorite songs. Anyways, I've really rambled on here. Let me just say that Inland Empire is something that needs to be experienced, even if I have to strap you down and cut off your eyelids.

Starring Laura Dern, Justin Theroux, Jeremy Irons, Diane Ladd, Harry Dean Stanton, Julia Ormond, R, 2 hr. 58 min., Directed by: David Lynch, Release Date: Sep 06, 2006, DVD Release Date: Aug 14, 2007, Box Office: $849K, (up 4,860% in popularity this week on IMDB. WTF?! Why?)

Bug (2006)

          Bug is a very sick and disturbing psycho-drama that leaves it up to you to believe 1 of 2 things - that there are bugs, or there aren't. Of course, when you're shacking up with a delusional, paranoid schizophrenic and throw a lot of crystal meth into the mix, why wouldn't you not think there are bugs all over your skin, biting you everywhere, feeding off your blood? But there's also some evidence in the film that there ACTUALLY are bugs (why else would all the bug lights in the room be constantly zapping every second?) And then the government looking for this guy so fiercely? Yeah, it might be stupid, but I love to believe there are actually bugs in the film. I do understand the mind-set of a drug addict though; I used to be there myself. But I knew that when my skin got itchy and it felt like bugs were biting me, it was just dry skin. My roommate, who had AIDS, didn't. I kept catching him in the bathroom twisting a knife into his sores trying to get the bugs out, while getting infected blood all over the guest bathroom. You'd literally have to punch him to get him to stop. So, the film is pretty much trying to make a commentary on the mind of a drug person - to the absolute EXTREME, I might add. But the sci-fi, horror element of the film - that there might actually be bugs, makes it all the more exciting (and horrifying). The movie starts out pretty normal - a drugged out alcoholic older woman (Ashley Judd) invites a nice nomadic guy (Michael Shannon) to stay with her in the motel room she lives in (BTW, I've had friends sleep on motel carpets before. Eaten alive by bugs.) She works at the biggest dyke bar in town (this takes place in a desolate part of Oklahoma), and her ex-husband (played by Harry Connick Jr., his best role ever) has just gotten out of prison and likes to break-in, smack her around, and take all of her money. She soon turns to Peter (Shannon) for support, and they end up fucking and falling in love. Then the craziness starts coming from him (and yeah, this has happened to me before too when you meet someone nice, invite them into your home, and they turn out to be batshit insane.) The bug bites are minor at first, but just like the government conspiracy theories Peter screams out; wildly escalate throughout the course of the film. Aggie's (Judd) dyke friend tries to save her from this guy (trying to say there's definitely no bugs), but Aggie refuses to believe and chooses Peter, over health and sanity. Sure the egg sac the bugs are coming from lie somewhere in his skin, Peter at one point removes his own tooth, crushes it, puts it under a microscope, and then what they see is shocking - MILLIONS of bugs. Millions and millions of tiny bugs. Are they hallucinating or are they not? I've seen some bad cases of this before in drug addicts (I did mention Peter and Aggie are hitting the 'ole glass pipe the whole time, right?), but it is so taken to the extreme in the film that I almost didn't believe it. I TOTALLY believed it. Bug is adapted from a great stage play (man, I'd like to go see something like THAT) and Michael Shannon reprises his role of Peter from said play. It's also directed by William Friedkin, director of The Exorcist. Bug has been one of my favorite movies for years. It's excruciatingly stressful, but one hell of an unforgettable ride.

Starring Ashley Judd, Michael Shannon, Harry Connick Jr. Brian F. O'Byrne, Lynn Collins, R, 1 hr. 42 min., Directed by: William Friedkin, Release Date: Sep 25, 2006, DVD Release Date: Sep 25, 2007, Box Office: $7M

The Mothman Prophecies (2002)

          I've been obsessed with the story of the Mothman since I was a little kid. It was always the most terrifying story I had ever heard. And the eye-witness account made it all the more believable. So, since the movie came out, and after researching every piece of information available to the point of obsession, I also became obsessed with the film as well. I always have had a tendency to push it on people, no matter how big of a weirdo they thought I was I really didn't care, since I think the movie is proof of everything I've known to be true my whole life. The Mothman Prophecies is based on a true story. Yes, that's right a true story. One of the many reasons it's my favorite is because it's not just another one of those crazy unbelievable paranormal movies I love; this really happened. And if you think its "unbelievable", you're pretty deluded. What, did hundreds of people all over the world who didn't know eachother just decide to tell everyone that they saw the exact same thing (and keep in mind it's been seen since the dawn of time) like it's some kind of pre-planned conspiracy or hoax? The proof is in the pudding, you could give any of these people lie detector tests and they're telling the truth. But anyways, the story follows the events that took place in the '60s in smalltown Point Pleasant, West Virginia. Dozens of people had reported seeing a large, black, 10-foot-tall creature with glowing red eyes. Kind of looked like a man wearing a big black trenchcoat (those are his wings folded up). About a year into the sightings, Silver Bridge collapsed on a traffic-jammed Christmas Eve (the stop lights were malfunctioning) and many, many people died. The movie takes these events that took place and expand on it, putting Richard Gere and Laura Linney in there so you have likeable characters to go through this with. The movie is pretty scary; when I saw it in the theatre I swear to god every woman there was screaming their head off. Then the thought of believing in this thing gets into people's minds and they're scared for life. People WILL probably believe anything, but it's nice to know that that happened for once for something that is actually based in reality. Sightings of Mothman even predate religion. I also have a deck of Tarot Cards, Crow's Magick, with a pterodactyl on the Knight of Wands (shapeshift, change), and on The Universe. He's very small on there but definitely part of the scheme of things. I never thought of this until recently, but Mothman is obviously the Angel of Death. And if that's real, and on earth, then maybe a lot of other unbelievable things are real as well. Probably the most haunting scene in the film is when the Mothman contacts Richard Gere's journalist character John Klein on the telephone. Keep in mind John is a skeptic in this until the whole thing just becomes too severe for him not to believe. Anyways, the voice says its name is Indrid Cold, and when Klein asks it various questions, it knows all the answers. Like where he just put his watch (his shoe, under the bed), what he grabbed out of the drawer (chapstick), and even the third line on a page of the book he picks up. When he asks if he's reading his mind, he says "I have no need to". The conversation is recorded, and when Klein gets it analyzed, it's proven that the voice on the tape was definitely "not human". This all really happened as well to the journalist in real life. So, anyways, you can see where my point of obsession has gone with this. If you look Mothman up online you'll find a great page of up-to-date sightings and astonishing eye-witness accounts. And the 2-disc DVD has that great documentary I saw years before this that has interviews with many of the people who saw him. Will Patton is also great in this, and Debra Messing is in the beginning briefly as the wife who dies of a brain tumor after a car accident which was caused by her sudden sighting the Mothman standing in the middle of the road. He never really appears in the film, but in the car accident scene you'll have to pause and slow it down to see his brief half-second appearance. But yeah, I could go on forever on this. So, just let me say, this movie has to be in my top five of all time. And I thought the band that did the soundtrack had a funny name - Tomandandy. I had been pronouncing it Toman-dandy until I realized it was actually Tom-and-Andy. Just thought that was funny.

Starring Richard Gere, Laura Linney, Debra Messing, Will Patton, Alan Bates, PG-13, 1 hr. 59 min., Directed by: Mark Pellington, Release Date: Jan 25, 2002, DVD Release Date: Jun 04, 2002, Box Office: $35.2M

The Runaways (2010)

          HOLY SHIT! That was Dakota Fanning as Cherrie Currie in this?! Man, she's fucking hot now! This is great, because when I finally stalk her down and rape her, well; at least I won't be accused of being a pedophile! (Although, I do have pictures of her from I Am Sam with her eyes cut out all over my bedroom ceiling.) The Runaways is, FINALLY, a really great rock band biopic. Probably because it's not some shitty made-for-television movie. All I knew about it was these two things "Joan Jett" and "The '70s". So I was there! But I was skeptical about Kristen Stewart (Bi-light, New Poon) playing Joan Jett. I didn't want this to be "Joan Jett", "The '70s", and VAMPIRES! Luckily the only thing being sucked on in this is pussy. Based on a true story, it takes place in 1975, where young Joan Jett sets out to form the first all-girl rock band. Meanwhile, now-fuckable Dakota Fanning is still in her bedroom painting her face like David Bowie and lip-syncing to one of his songs at a talent show. BOWIE! Joan Jett corners record producer Kim Fowley (I guess this is where King Fowley from The Deceased got his stage name from) who is intrigued by an all-girl band. He’s played by Michael Shannon, an ASTOUNDING actor who was the lead tweaker in my favorite movie, Bug. He looks like a cross between Eddie Izzard and Timothy Olyphant, thus making him VERY ugly. Anyways, they find Cherrie Currie and she has the perfect look for being the lead-singer, mainly because of her blonde hair, camel toe, and back-door wonder. They form The Runaways, and hmmm, Joan Jett is only on guitar and back-up vocals. They quickly become super-famous super-stars, and lots of wild fun having lesbian sex and doing lots of '70s drugs ensue. (Aren’t uppers and downers some kind of paradox or something though?) Of course, you can see where the movie is going with this, and lead singer Cherrie Currie falls victim to drug addiction and ruins the band. This is the main theme of the last half of the film. She goes to rehab after being raped by Japanese schoolgirls while in a drug coma and ends up at home caring for her dying alkie father who is all like “WAH WAH WAH, I peed myself again! Lick it up, Cherrie baby!” Almost ruined, Joan Jett gets the great idea to go solo and starts Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. After being turned down by 23 (yes, 23!) record companies, she releases her debut album herself and "I Love Rock & Roll" goes on to sell 10 million copies! Way to go, Joan! I always loved her, but don't know about that Light of Day movie she starred in with Michael "Shaky Face" Fox in the late '80s. To be honest, blood slut Kirsten Stewart does an amazing job of playing Joan Jett (I would hope Joan herself would be proud). The movie is engaging, and the real-life story told here couldn't have been done in a better way. Gotta go download The Runaways and Joan Jett debuts now; the music in this movie was fucking awesome!

Starring Dakota Fanning, Kristen Stewart, Michael Shannon, Stella Maeve, Scout Taylor-Compton, Alia Shawkat , Danielle Riley Keough, R, Directed by: Floria Sigismondi, Release Date: Apr 09, 2010, Opening Weekend: $805.1K

Repo Men (2010)

          Sweet, another almost-cool movie set in the future with a kind of neat premise! Jude Law plays Emilio Estevez, a repo man who repossess artificial organs when the buyer cannot pay the ridiculous high bills for it. Which is funny, because you'd think future people could afford $600 thousand dollars. It's a sweet deal though, because you can just not pay and live a little while longer until British Death comes for you. Jude is pretty bad-ass in this, he beats people up pretty good with these huge biceps he grew overnight, and cuts people open to steal organs, hence killing them. He still has a British accent, even though he grew up with his partner Forest “Gump” Whitaker in an American school where everyone had American accents. But that still doesn't explain why he shaved his hairy chest (because he’s a woman?). Their boss is Liev Schrieber, awesome in a devilishly corporate guy role. Jude punches him in the face later because his strange looking nose pissed him off and he couldn't take it anymore. Anyways, Estevez gets in an accident, and needs a new heart. Even thought his job as a Brat Pack member would've granted him paying it off, he decides to get a desk job to appease his ball-breaking cunt of a wife who doesn't want to see him get hurt in the line of duty. Which is funny, because I haven't seen someone get his ass kicked so hard in a movie since Kirk in last summer's Star Trek. I mean, enough already, the color of the guy's blood is red, we get the point. So he has to go into hiding when he can't pay for his awesome robot motor. He immediately picks up a smelly, homeless, Latina cyborg and starts fucking her, just so the rest of the movie can include a love interest. Most of the movie is slow-dragging, watch-checking boring, but really picks up in the final act, where it gets extremely violent and exciting. Blood, blood, blood. Blood everywhere! YAY! And you'd think after Emilio kills 20 office executives who attacked him like it was no big deal that the last four guys would back off. LOL, no, I guess everyone thinks being killed by Limeys is the best way to go. So, I was liking it a bit more until the absolutely horrible, terribly SHIT, disappointing let-down of a twist ending that left me shouting at the screen in rage when the end credits came up. Oh, and by the way, I'M an organ donor. OPEN WIDE!

Starring Jude Law, Forest Whitaker, Live Schreiber, Alice Braga, Liza Lapira, Tanya Clarke, R, 1 hr. 51 min., Directed by: Miguel Sapochnik , Release Date: Mar 19, 2010, Opening Weekend: $6.1M (BOMB!)

The NeverEnding Story (1984)

          Child Molestation. Rape. Drug Overdoses. Serial Murder. Bestiality. The Holocaust. These are some of the many themes that you will NOT find in The NeverEnding Story. (Although, there is a town in the film called "Spook City".) The film is a beloved childhood fable based on the popular German fantasy book of the same name. If you grew up in the '80s, you definitely grew up with this film. Yet another treasure, a gem, from the greatest decade in the history of the world. Hell, there were those few years there when Atari got boring, Nintendo wasn't out yet, and there sure as hell wasn't anything like the internet, and you would watch your favorite movies again and again. The NeverEnding Story always fascinated me, everything from the Racing Snail, Rock Biter, giant turtle, Oracle statues that shoot lazer beams out of their eyes, the flying Luck Dragon, and every bizarre looking character in that awesome tall white tower thing. And throw a reality destroying force called The Nothing into the mix, and man, it's just the stuff of dreams. There was an interesting theme in this I didn't catch when I was a kid - Fantasia had no boundaries, because it is made up of people on earth's imagination; it is limitless. The only reason Fantasia was threatened by The Nothing is because people stopped using their imagination, or believing in magic. This was the same theme of the South Park 3-Parter "Imagination Land". And the surreal aspect of having the little boy, Bastian, read the story out of the book while hiding in the stormy attic of his school, and him being included in the story, which was happening as he read it, well, I loved that as well. He is the only one who can save Fantasia, simply by giving the Childlike Empress a new name (he ends up naming her after his deceased hippie mother, "Moonchild", at the end of the film.) The story-within-the-story also follows the Warrior Indian named Atreyu (who is the same age as Bastian) who rides to save Fantasia from The Nothing on his horse Atrax. His wild adventure includes trudging through the Swamps of Sorrow to find the ancient giant turtle Morlo, getting saved by a gigantic white Luck Dragon named Falkor, passing the test of the Oracles (these awesome gigantic winged statues), all while being chased by the vicious agent of The Nothing, a giant wolf named Gmork. The movie is as engaging as it was 20 years ago, the special effects have more than held up (I always preferred non-CGI effects anyway), and it would be cool to show this to the new generation of children, who were unfortunately brainwashed into believing you can go to wizard school or something. The sequel, which came out 7 years later, is one of the most awful movies I've ever seen, and I never bothered with the third. But The NeverEnding Story is a great '80s classic.

Starring Alan Oppenheimer, Barret Oliver, Deep Roy, Moses Gunn, Noah Hathaway, Sydney Bromley, Tami Stronach, PG, 1 hr. 32 min., Directed by: Wolfgang Petersen, Release Date: Jul 20, 1984, DVD Release Date: Sep 04, 2001, Box Office: $20.1M

eXistenZ (1999)

          "DEATH to the DEMONESS Allegra Gellar!" eXistenZ came out at around the same time as The Matrix, which was a big blockbuster smash that had everyone talking about its dazzling special effects. In sharp contrast, eXistenZ focused more on having tinier, less expensive effects, like having small 2-headed amphibian lizard frogs walking around. It was much more interesting to me and more "effective". David Cronenberg has had a long history of putting such bizarre things in his films, yet that is only a small part of why he's my all-time favorite director. Written and directed by him, this time he delved into the gaming world, in that strange and original way only Cronenberg can. The movie takes place in the future and follows a game designer, Allegra Gellar (played by Jennifer Jason Leigh), testing her new game, eXistenZ, for a focus group (the "isten" in the word means god in Hungarian). The game system is an organic pod that you plug into your spine through your bio-port (you have to have these installed) with an umbilical cord. Then you play a very realistic (or dream-like UNrealistic) game in a virtual world. Gellar works for Antenna Research, and they are at war with a competing company, Cortical Systematics. Also in the mix are a militant group of "realists", fighting to subvert both companies in order to prevent the "deforming" of reality. One of their members tries to assassinate Gellar at the focus group, using a weapon made out of organic material that made it through the security check (it's composed of bone and shoots teeth as bullets). Gellar is wounded, and Ted Pikul (Jude Law), a mere marketing trainee, is assigned with the task of hiding and protecting her. This is before Jude Law became incredibly famous and started starring in boring mainstream flicks. I much preferred him in the '90s when he was in cool shit like this and maybe even Gattaca. Anyways, on the run, Allegra soon gets Pikul fitted with a bio-port (he's a game virgin) so they can go into the world of eXistenZ to play the game. The world is either unreal or hyperreal. (I loved the store, or the "menu" of the game, where you can play one called "Chinese Restaurant" w/ the tagline 'Will you get out alive?!') They do end up at a Chinese Restaurant, and you see that it is a former trout farm now used to farm a wide assortment of mutated reptile amphibians (more astonishing and creative minor special effects, and creepy). Not only are they tasty, but their parts are what is used to create the game pods. The game involves them meeting several other characters (or players), including Willem Dafoe and Ian Holm, and being the last one standing. eXistenZ ends with a very cool twist, and it makes it even more interesting to watch the second time around. I caught a lot of small things in the characters' dialogue that eluded to it, but the first time you'll never know what it is they're actually talking about. This was one of my favorite Cronenberg's. It's so original. I even watched it with someone once who became very horny when they saw the bio-port because it reminded them of some kind of sex orifice.

Starring Jennifer Jason Leigh, Jude Law, Ian Holm, Willem Dafoe, Sarah Polley, R, 1 hr. 30 min., Directed by: David Cronenberg, Release Date: Apr 23, 1999, DVD Release Date: Oct 19, 1999, Box Office: $2.8M

Naked Lunch (1991)

          Naked Lunch, a frozen moment when everyone sees what is on the end of every fork. I've loved this movie since I was 12 years old. It was many years later that I read the original source material, William S. Burroughs' Naked Lunch and Queer novels. Never have a seen an adaptation, not only based on 1 book, but 2, put together so creatively on the screen before. Well, not until a small part The Atrocity Exhibition was adapted into Crash. Naked Lunch is definitely David Cronenberg's most bizarre work next to eXistenZ, and I've always held a very special place in my heart for the bizarre. A very literary film, I've always found in Naked Lunch that there is so much power in words. And fantasy, total and utter drug-induced fantasy. I always refused to believe that any of the astonishing sequences in Naked Lunch were merely hallucinations of the main character, and I would be very upset to delve into more research and discover that this is true. Isn't watching Pan's Labyrinth more fun when you pretend the girl's imaginary world is actually real? Even without coming out of a film like this which much understanding, it's having the experience that counts to me. In the strange way that I've always been, I fail to find the perspective required and expend my energies in a whirlwind of experience that remains devoid of real understanding. I think life is just more interesting that way. When I was a junkie just like the character in the film, played by Peter Weller, I think that was the only time I could sit down and read a book like Naked Lunch or The Atrocity Exhibition and understand clearly what I was reading, perhaps deluded with some kind of sense of mega-consciousness. And after watching Naked Lunch after so many years, so many of the insane drug-induced sequences of the film reminded me of my own experiences as a junkie in an EXTREMELY disturbing way. I had also found things so shockingly terrifying strangely beautiful. Naked Lunch is hard to describe in terms of plot. It takes place in the '50s, and mixes elements of secret agents with addictive bug powder and Gigantic Aquatic Brazilian Centipedes. David Cronenberg succeeds once again in creating imagery so surreal and original it's definitely nothing you've ever seen before (and like I said previously, right up there next to eXistenZ). The film also focuses mainly on the life of writers, and writing. The writers' typewriters even have names. Which is fitting because they turn into gigantic cockroaches who speak through their anuses, and love having powdered drugs rubbed on their ass lips as they give instruction. Homosexuality is also a major theme in the film. The line "homosexuality is the best allaround cover story an agent ever had" from the anus of a typewriter is an ironic comment of many gay men's double lives. 2 scenes of heterosexual sex are shown in the film (one includes a threesome with a mutating typewriter), and they are rather tame compared to the gay sex sequence involving Julian Sands turning into a giant centipede and violently raping an effeminate Arabic homosexual in a gigantic birdcage. William S. Burroughs claims his homosexuality was cured with the writing of Naked Lunch. Many more interesting aspects of the film are actually adapted straight from Burroughs' real life, including the accidental shooting of his common-law wife Joan Vollmer in a drunken game of "William Tell" at a party in Mexico. You know, where you shoot the apple off of someone's head. Peter Weller's character succeeds in doing this twice to both character incarnations that Judy Davis plays in the film. Even the character's friends in the film, Hank and Martin, are based on Jack Kerouac and Allen Ginsberg (who helped Burroughs write the novel). The best creature "hallucinated" in the film are the human-sized Mugwumps, who produce an addictive substance from the phallic "udders" protruding from their heads, which you can suckle on. The closest thing I would say that they look like is a dinosaur. You will later see them hung and bound in the factory scene where the substance they secrete is being harvested. I can guarantee that Naked Lunch will be the most interesting movie you've ever seen, as long as you first can "exterminate all rational thought." And on a final note: it's stated in the film that any re-editing of your writing is censorship, and writing can even be dangerous. Thank god I'm not a writer.

Starring Peter Weller, Judy Davis, Ian Holm, Julian Sands, Roy Scheider, R, 1 hr. 55 min., Directed by: David Cronenberg, Release Date: Dec 27, 1991, DVD Release Date: Nov 11, 2003, Box Office: $2.5M

Nightbreed (1990)

          Nightbreed was a major flop when it first came out, and to be honest, I thought it was pretty mediocre until it became a cult favorite of mine on VHS a few years later. This is Clive Barker's second film he wrote and directed, and he has expressed disgust with how it was released, promoted, and heavily edited for 2 decades at horror movie conventions. He was always promising the Director’s Cut; which he mentioned every single time during an appearance. It had been repeatedly stated that over an hour was cut out, and the studio was holding 20 missing minutes of the film ransom. Well, recently, the footage was found, and the long-awaited Director's Cut is premiering at the Horrorhound Fest at the end of March, 2010. Hopefully a Blu-Ray will soon follow. After watching the film again, I already consider it a masterpiece, and the only problem I had with it is that it could've been wildly expanded. Nightbreed takes place in Calgary, Canada (although you won't find anyone saying "aboot" throughout the course of the film for some reason.) It follows a young man named Aaron Boone who dreams about going to Midian - a place where the monsters go. He is prescribed Lithium by his deranged psychiatrist, Decker (played by David Cronenberg, more about him soon). I was also prescribed Lithium once as well, and ended up going to Midian myself (a mental institution) with a wide assortment of monsters (crazy people), so I can relate to Boone’s struggle. My all-time favorite director David Cronenberg stars in the role of a lifetime as Decker, Boone’s brilliant psychoanalyst who moonlights as a serial killer. Decker wears a button-eyed mask with the mouth zippered-shut (which he obviously cannot see out of), and should be a more recognizable and memorable horror movie icon today. He kills families, trying to rid the world of "breeders" (nice gay reference there, Barker). Finding Midian would lead him to the ultimate breeders, the "Nightbreed", so he can exterminate them all. So, he frames Boone for the murders, leading him to the cemetery where Midian is so the killing can begin. But Boone is bitten by one of the monsters there (my favorite, Peloquin) and becomes one of them, Cabal, the obvious chosen one. The back-up story is engaging; when the Tribes of the Moon came to earth they were chased down and executed by the Spanish Inquisition. 8-eyed Lyseberg (played by Hellraiser's Doug Bradley) led them to safe haven underneath a cemetery ruled by Baphomet, their god, to hide in the darkness forever where it's safe. The wide assortment of monsters are astonishing; each one looks completely different. The dreadlocked savage Peloquin, the moon-faced Kinski, the scalpless Narcisse, porcupine woman Shuna Sassi, a woman who can turn into smoke, etc. Disappointingly, so many more monsters were cut-out of the final film (there's even a bunch on the ridiculous poster that you will not see in the movie.) Nightbreed is one of the few movies where the monsters are the heroes, and they are hunted down at the end by bigoted humans in an all-out-war, with Decker on the loose as wildcard. Clive Barker’s script for Nightbreed, based on his book Cabal, is so well-written, with many great lines (my favorite is when Peloquin states “Everything is true. God is an astronaut. Oz is over the rainbow. And Midian is where the monsters live.”) The ending is set-up for a sequel, in a very exciting way I might add, but sadly that would never happen. Thankfully, a Nightbreed comic book series ran in the early '90s for 25 issues. It followed the characters after the ending and greatly elaborated on the Nightbreed and contained many origin stories. They even later fought the cenobites, who stood for order (as the Nightbreed stood for chaos), in the beautifully painted Hellraiser/Nightbreed crossover - Jihad. They even later fought Rawhead Rex. Thankfully I still own all those issues, and am excited about the film once again with the impending director's cut.

Starring Craig Sheffer, David Cronenberg, Anne Bobby, Doug Bradley, Charles Haid, Hugh Quarshie, Oliver Parker, R, 1 hr. 41 min., Directed by: Clive Barker, Release Date: 1990, DVD Release Date: Jun 01, 2004, Box Office: $8.8M

Maniac Nurses Find Ecstasy (1990)

          When you come across a movie called "Maniac Nurses Find Ecstasy", how can you NOT watch it? Especially when it's only an hour and five minutes long. The film is a Romanian import that found limited distribution in the states through Troma Entertainment (and it is also considered to be Bloodsucking Freaks II). It's hilariously dubbed over, seeming like it was less translated into English than it was rewritten to lip-sync better with the actors. I don't even know if the narration was made up for the American release. But it was a great idea, because it adds so much and many of the laughs come from it. The best thing about the movie is that it is extremely perverse and gory, yet takes itself so seriously that it becomes unintentionally funny in effect. The story follows a hospital full of sadomasochistic lesbian nurses, who capture victims for severe medical torture and sick sexual pleasure. Often, they will trick roadside travelers, shoot the husband in the head, and abduct the wife. Some abductees might be kept to be taught the ways of the science of medicine and trained in the art of combining sex with death, others end up in fatal surgery to become living dolls; playthings for sexual pleasure. And as a bonus for straight men and lesbians alike, the Romanian babes in this film are against wearing shirts as much as Matthew McCoughnahey. The film is basically torture porn with deranged lesbians trying to find the height of sexual ecstasy. It is also at the same time very empowering for women, who are superior to men in every way in this. Although wildly engaging, the second act seems to fail at continuing the momentum they took so long to establish in the first act with the wildly entertaining narrative and set-up. Instead the focus shifts to the nurses hunting down 4 campers nearby, with an arsenal of shotguns, machine guns, and butcher's knives. Sadly, this takes up the last half-hour of the film, after so much had happened in the first half-hour. It is hinted at and later revealed that the militant lesbian head mistresses daughter is the most crazed of the bunch. In possibly the most hilarious scene - her firstborn was a boy born with an Elvis tattoo and hence murdered for being an aberration. The daughter grows up, and instead of meeting nice boys, she must "live with the masochistic obsession of older women." Also, it's hilarious how the male groundskeeper, in charge of tending to the ground's numerous garden gnomes, will be cut to every once in awhile to say things like "Maniacs. Sick." or “Sex crazed sadists.”, as if to remind you of what the movie you are watching is about. Definitely check this one out. Oh yeah, they’re cannibals too. Win, win, and win.

Starring a bunch of naked Romanian chicks, Unrated, Directed by: L�on Paul De Bruyn, DVD Release Date: Mar 14, 2000

Carrie (1976)

          Carrie has got to be my all-time favorite revenge movie. Sure, there's probably been ones people like more, like those Charles Bronson movies I've never seen. But I never wanted to, because they didn't have a blood-covered crazy chick using her telekinetic powers to massacre everyone at her senior prom. If they had made Carrie vs. Charles Bronson, yeah, I would've watched that. Carrie is actually Stephen King's first manuscript, which he had thrown in the trash and was later retrieved by his wife, who convinced him of how good it was. Eventually released in '74, the novel was a bestseller and a film adaptation immediately went into production and was released in theatres only 2 years later. I didn't read the book until I was in 5th grade, and sadly only the edited TV version played when I was a kid (Carrie naked on her period in the gym shower getting tampons thrown at her didn't really work for me when you couldn't see her "dirty pillows".) Carrie is notorious, and remembered, for a great many things. First off, the final prom scene massacre, where Carrie gets a bucket of pig's blood dropped on her after being crowned Prom Queen, which leads her to use her powers to kill everyone in attendance. This had been parodied so much, most recently in an episode of American Dad, where the same thing happened to Stan Smith at his prom. But the bully stopped reading the book at the word "pig", and Stan got a bunch of live pigs dropped on him instead. Yes, I love that show. 30 Rock also did a tribute recently. Also, Carrie was the very first horror movie to do "the final scare" scene. You know, when you think it's over, you've heaved a sigh of relief, and another scare comes from out of nowhere before the end credits. Years later, when Sean Cunningham was making the original Friday the 13th, he got the idea for the final scare (where boy Jason pops out of the lake to drag Alice into the depths) from Carrie's. Hell, even the telekinetic heroine in Part VII was inspired by Carrie. And after the first Friday, "The Final Scare" has long been a trend in horror movies ever since (with my favorite one being in the first Child's Play.) Being made in the early '70s, I noticed some odd things about Carrie - drinking WHILE driving seemed legal, and EVERYONE did it (man, wish we could go back to that), and hitting women seemed normal as well. There's a disturbing scene where John Travolta keeps smacking the shit out of his girlfriend, Criss, who apparently thinks it's normal and rewards him with a blowjob. For shame, Travolta! Carrie's religious zealot mother is by far the most disturbing part though. I haven't seen that kind level of religious mania in a film since the recent film The Mist. The mother immediately thinks Carrie is the devil for having her first period (but don't worry, she gets hers later.) And if you notice in the film, the town is called Bates. You have the Bates Pig Farm, Bates High School, and even when Carrie is using her powers you hear music lifted from the shower scene in Psycho. Cool nod to Psycho. Some neat facts - a survey said that Carrie is the most popular film that people watch on Halloween, while the name "Carrie" has since become one of the most unpopular baby names (I still have never met a girl named Carrie in my life. And besides, who wants their child ending up having tampons thrown at her?) My only complaint about the film, even though it's an hour and forty minutes long, is that it should've been much longer. 2002's TV movie remake KIND OF did that, but they changed the story so much, making up their own shit really (yeah, Carrie dyes her hair at the end, escapes to another city, with her new friend she made. LOL, right.) A "sequel" (more like "rip-off") was released in 1999, and didn't recapture the success of the original, dismissed as the crappy teen horror film it appeared to be. I've never seen it, but christ, do I have to?

Starring Sissy Spacek, Amy Irving, John Travolta, Nancy Allen, Piper Laurie, William Katt, R, 1 hr. 38 min., Directed by: Brian DePalma, Release Date: Nov 16, 1976, DVD Release Date: Sep 29, 1998, Box Office: $33.8M

Antichrist (2009)

          If you've ever wanted to see Willem Dafoe's cock before, here's your chance. And YES, the carpets do match the drapes. (Wonder why mine don't). Antichrist is one of those very artsy films, but astonishingly wonderful. It's so sick and disturbing but done in such an artistic way. It looks fucking beautiful. It's eerie, and haunting. The movie opens with a couple (played by Willem Dafoe and some crazy bitch) fucking so hard in the bathroom that they fail to notice their toddler has decided to commit suicide by jumping out the window (more like a RETARDDLER). I've written about how Superman has killed hundreds of innocent children before, by making them think they can fly. They’ll just put on a cape and go up on the roof and jump off. (I'm guilty of trying to do the same thing when I was 3, but my bitchy mother stopped me.) The mother is so upset and heartbroken that she starts going batshit insane. But thankfully, Willem Dafoe is a psychiatrist in this, and starts feeding her nonsensical psychobabble bullshit. They decide to get away to their cabin "Eden", which is located exactly in the forest from Evil Dead. "Eden" in the movie kind of refers to the couple being Adam and Eve. In the bible, Adam was a homosexual and Eve was Satan, so she raped him and tried to kill him. The wife keeps referring to herself as evil in this, saying all women are. I agree. I think when Lucifer fell down from the sky he shattered into millions of pieces, and those pieces became what is known as woman. ("We are Legion. We are One." - Sarah Palin.) This proves the bible was a lie with their homosexual Adam. I love how people can just make shit up! There is some disturbing imagery in the film that Dafoe witnesses, based on a constellation of three beggars - a fox (pain), a raven (despair), and a deer (grief). The most memorable is when Dafoe stumbles upon a dead fox, with its guts open, and the fox turns his head to say "Chaos Reigns". Creepy as fuck. And I don't really want to spoil too much, but I have to talk about the smashing of the crotch with the blunt object. One of my all-time favorite Cannibal Corpse songs is called "I Cum Blood". I just never thought I would actually see the premise put onto screen. You'll have to see for yourself. And on a final note, after seeing how evil women really are deep down, how fucking crazy they are, I really don't understand why all men aren't gay.

Starring Charlotte Gainsbourg, Willem Dafoe, Unrated, 1 hr. 44 min., Directed by: Lars von Trier, Release Date: Oct 23, 2009, DVD Release: Mar 18, 2010, Box Office: $397K

The Lost Boys 2: The Tribe (2008)

          It happened again! Some amateur filmmakers somehow got the rights to a beloved classic and made a mockery of it! It's so much less a "sequel" than it is some kind of embarrassing tribute. So many straight-to-video sequels have done the exact same thing, typically with popular horror films that had low budgets in the first place. Young filmmakers think they can recapture the popularity of it with the same kind of low cost. The problem is that the original was an idea someone who was actually creative had, and was backed up by good writing, directing, and good actors. I can name a bunch of movies that ended up like this - Warlock III, Return of the Living Dead 4 & 5 (shot back-to-back), Night of the Demons 3, Pumpkinhead 2-4, Creepshow III, Day of the Dead 2, every Tremors sequel, and Hellraiser 5-8. They just don’t count. Many things in "The Tribe" are duplicated from the original - the buff, opened-shirt saxophone player with the mullet (this time playing on a street corner, and you hear no sax playing), the Texas Chainsaw Massacre reference (in the first one describing Grandpa's taxidermy room, in this referring to the main characters new house), the wine drinking (drinking blood) scene is similar in that the vampire uses his mind power to make them hallucinate (in the first one - rice/maggots, here - dead rose/live rose), the sex scene with the song Cry Little Sister playing (this time a horrible cover version of it); all this makes it a tribute, a rip-off. It's as ridiculous as Hellraiser 8, where someone at a party was wearing a t-shirt of the poster from the first movie, with Pinhead on it (apparently someone got a photo of him in hell and made t-shirts). The story follows a brother and sister moving to a beachside Californian town (NOT Santa Carla like in the original). Their last names are Emerson, and they say their parents got killed in a car accident, leading you to believe their parents were Jason Patric and Jami Gertz from the original (this is never confirmed, but the name Emerson says it all). They soon meet a bunch of really annoying, beach boy, surfer vampires, and they turn the girl, but she is a half-vampire until she makes her first kill (like in the original). The brother tries to stop them at first, but when he realizes how awesome he thinks the group is joins as well. Sadly, Corey Feldman returns as Edgar Frog, the annoying midget vampire slayer from the original. I wish I could say this was the best part of the movie, but it was the worst. Looking like he hasn't aged a day since he was 15, he's now twice as annoying. They gave him such cheesy lines to ham it up with such as "Who ordered the stake?!" (while holding up some sharpened crosses) and "Pop goes the weasel!" (when he uses a water balloon full of holy water to make a vampire's head explode). The worst part of it is that Feldman probably thought he had the most awesome lines ever. There's also a strange kind of product placement, or tribute to Corey, for his most successful film, The Goonies, as the Aunt brings the VHS over to the house and praises it almost like an ad. Even though this is pretty much the worst movie ever made I'm sure Feldman was ecstatic to be a part of it, and everyone on set gave him blowjobs. Corey Haim strangely shows up after some brief credits, as a vampire, and some short dialogue is traded between him and Feldman before it appears they are going to fight. Even though Corey Haim was whacked out of his mind on drugs and completely insane, he was still a better actor than Feldman. But hey, maybe Feldman can milk Haim’s death for a comeback. (He WAS on Larry King last night.)

Starring a bunch of nobodies, Corey Feldman, Tom Savani, Corey Haim, R, 1 hr. 32 min.,Directed by: P.J. Pesce, Release Date: Jul 29, 2008, DVD Release Date: Jul 29, 2008, Straight-to-Video

The Lost Boys (1987)

          It sucks that people are going to remember this best for it being the first movie that teamed up the two Corey’s - "Haimster and Feldog" (as they were so lovingly referred to back in their heyday.) But look, The Lost Boys was a great vampire genre picture from the ‘80s. It’s been considered a classic for 2 decades now, and so many other things were so memorable about it. Like Kiefer Sutherland's brooding vampire David, Jason Patric's confused bad-boy half-vampire Michael, the beautiful Jami Gertz, and one of my old favorites, Diane Wiest as the mother. It was even a little bloody for a teen picture at the time. It also had a fucking great soundtrack; I remember wearing out the cassette tape of it back in the '80s. But the movie is kind of tarnished by Corey Haim's embarrassing drug overdose he just died from today (March 10th, 2010). But that's not nearly as embarrassing as Corey Feldman's whiny attitude about not being the famous star now he deserves to be. After Ben Affleck won the Oscar, he said "'I want to puke. Are you kidding me? I look at Matt Damon and Ben Affleck and I literally get nauseous. Trust me, Ben Affleck won't be around in ten years" - 1997. LOL! And the reality show, The Two Corey’s, where they all sat around a table with the other teen actor from the film and pitched an idea for a Lost Boys sequel. Man, those were some of the worst ideas I've ever heard. Obviously The Lost Boys was their big breakthrough together, and they wanted to recapture that. (A horrible sequel was later made that went straight-to-video, that both of them hardly got to be in.) To be honest, Corey Feldman's career was doing better before he teamed up with the "Haimster". Dude, he was in The Goonies, Gremlins, Stand by Me, The 'burbs, and my favorite - he was the first actor to play Tommy Jarvis in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. You can't name one good movie he was in after this that he didn't star in with Corey Haim (their best being License to Drive.) But maybe they were in love. The first scene in The Lost Boys where they meet looks like love at first sight. Out of context, it also looks like a gay cruising scene - Haim nervously picking up a comic book, Feldman appearing around the corner, eyeing him up and down, Haim putting back the comic and walking away, Feldman following. LOL! The most shocking thing was that I noticed Haim has a sexy Rob Lowe poster hanging on his bedroom closet door. Rob's shirt is open and the top of his pants are unbuttoned! Christ, only my sister would've had that poster on the wall in the '80s! At least his brother Michael has some Modern English and Echo and the Bunnymen posters on the wall (nice '80s reminder.) Another part I liked is the video store. I kind of got nostalgic seeing it, remembering back when a video store had maybe a little over a hundred tapes, and the cassette sleeves were arranged on shelves with room enough to have all the covers showing. The store in the movie also had that huge Kiss of the Spider Woman cardboard standee that I remember my local New Jersey one having at the same time (never saw that movie or heard of it ever again.) Its nice little things like that I notice that make me happy when I watch an old '80s movie again. But back to the Corey's (sorry), you kind of notice in this that Corey Feldman is a bit of a bad actor and pretty annoying. It was Haim that showed much more promise (maybe Feldman dragged him down with him?) The most important thing is that they were in a big Hollywood picture, with good writers, and a good director (Joel Schumacher). Remove that from the equation and they're pretty much nothing. Also, I remember in 1991, the breaking news story about Corey Haim's drug arrest with video footage of him being dragged out of a building by several police officers, handcuffed, looking tweaked out of his fucking mind. That was definitely it for him, his career, everything, and later, his life. Maybe it was he who drug Feldman down with him at that point. But anyways, my sister and I were huge fans of this in the '80s. We probably watched it 50 times, and no, it never got old. The finale was so fucking great, with the vampire showdown at the family home, where they use holy water, garlic, and even bows and arrows to stop the vampires (my favorite was Corey Haim shooting the vampire through the heart with an arrow, and him getting electrocuted to death on a stereo system, Corey goes "DEATH BY STEREO!") That was cool as fuck back then and funny as hell. And the great melodramatic lines between Patric and Sutherland during their final duel - "Join US!", "NEVER!", "MY BLOOD IS INSIDE OF YOU!", "SO IS MINE!" LOL And if you buy the Blu-Ray, be sure to check out the short (4 minutes) documentary about the 2 Corey's called "Haimster and Feldog". Feldman has a lot nicer things to say about Haim than Haim has to say about him. Today, I bet Corey Feldman is both saddened and relieved.

Starring Jason Patric, Kiefer Sutherland, Corey Haim, Jami Gertz, Diane Wiest, Corey Feldman, Edward Herrmann, Alex Winter, Barnard Hughes, Billy Wirth, R, 1 hr. 37 min., Directed by: Joel Schumacher, Release Date: Jul 31, 1987, DVD Release Date: Jan 27, 1998, Box Office: $32.2M

Alice in Wonderland (2010)

          Christ, we all started seeing previews for this like, what, 8 months ago? "Tim Burton is doing Alice in Wonderland with Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter! Wow, fucking amazing! Can't wait, I'm so excited!" Long wait, too much anticipation, poor results. I think everyone forgot what Burton did to Planet of the Apes and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Don't get me wrong, this IS a good movie (kind of). But after that kind of build up it was a let down. It just didn't capture the essence of the original book/cartoon film/mid-'80s television movie, what have you. It just had way more modern special effects. I loved the premise at first, REALLY liked it, actually. It's more like a sequel with Alice beginning her journey into adulthood. She's some kind of wanker socialite, about to get proposed to in some kind of Jane Austen setting (to learn more about Jane Austen, google “Fancy British Shit”). She soon decides to go chasing a rabbit down a hole for absolutely no reason, leaving her ginge groom and foo-foo crowd dumbfounded. Her first adventure in Underland (which she mistakenly thought was "Wonderland") she remembers as some kind of wild dream she had when she was little. So she meets all the same classic characters, but most of the movie is wasted by her thinking it is a dream, and all of the characters saying, "She's NOT Alice!" or "She IS Alice!" It’s fucking Alice, and it’s not a fucking dream, so shut the fuck up! (This goes on for the first hour.) The "special effects", if you could call them that, were quite astounding, but a bit too cartoonish, looking a lot like a Pixar movie. The 3-D did not really add as much and could've really done without it. Lights kept reflecting in my glasses from the theatre, distracting me. I only put up with that shit during Avatar. But, man, I loved the costumes and make-up. Johnny Depp looks amazing as the Mad Hatter. Hell, Johnny Depp looked amazing as Edward Scissorhands too, so maybe Tim Burton should just hire the actor to play dress-up in his house every day as his own personal butler (imagine Edward Scissorhands answering the door). The Red Queen, played by Helena Bonham Carter, is wonderful, with an enlarged head and a kind of Barbara Walters twang to her speech. I really like Helena Bonham Carter, and it's a shame we only get to see her mainly in Tim Burton movies (she IS married to the guy). It's also a shame Crispin Glover never got too many big roles after Back to the Future. I've really been a fan of him for a long time, but I just wish there was more of his work to be a fan OF (he was the only good part of those Charlie's Angels movies if I recall). Anyways, he's great here as the Queen's henchman, with a cool scar, eyepatch, and overexaggerated long skinny arms and legs. To me he was the most recognizable actor in the whole thing. Anne Hathaway plays the White Queen, but whatever. Um, she's very nice? Alice is played by Bryce Dallas Howard? After saying all that about the characters, I think that my favorite ones were the talking frog people dressed up in little red suits, in their very brief scene. Um, yeah, that was fucking cute. I’d like to take some frogs and dress them up the same way. And yes, make them butlers. When they predictably can’t do their jobs it would be “OFF WITH THEIR HEADS” just like in the movie. The worst part about the film though is that it is mostly some kind of odd fantasy war movie. That was what was so bad about Prince Caspian; it was nothing but a long war movie. Although, I did like the Red Queen's metal-armored red playing card minions, and the White's chess piece soldiers. Alice in Wonderland will dazzle you with bright colors and Johnny Depp's enigmatic presence, but truly lacks a good story to back it up.

Starring Mia Wasikowska, Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Anne Hathaway, Crispin Glover, Michael Sheen, Alan Rickman, PG, 1 hr. 49 min., Directed by: Tim Burton, Release Date: Mar 05, 2010, Opening Weekend: $116.1M

Sukiyaki Western Django (2008)

          I always hated westerns (see my Unforgiven review), and have definitely never seen one of these "Spaghetti Westerns" so many people love. Well hey, I grew up in the '80s, and compared to the slew of interesting new movies on TV, every western that ever popped up looked extremely old and crappy. And boring. I always said the only way I would actually watch a western is if it only had a bunch of Asian people in it. So here we go - a Spaghetti Western by one of my favorite directors, Japan’s Takashi Miike. Miike is probably most famous for the shockingly disturbing film Audition and the wild Ichi the Killer, but Fudoh is great as well and the bizarre Visitor Q is one of my all-time favorite movies. So, when Takashi Miike makes a western, you can be sure there's going to be a lot of blood. Quentin Tarantino has long been a big fan and supporter of Miike, so it was great to see Tarantino as one of the stars in the film. He plays a gunslinger who tells the whole story (and there's also a great scene of him slapping around some Asian chick for cooking his dinner wrong.) The story takes place in Nevada during the gold rush days, with 2 rival gangs - the Reds and the Whites, fighting over the hidden treasure of a small town that they terrorize. It did make sense that everyone in this town is Asian, because many of them did come to America back then to build the railroads (and later open the Panda Express franchise). A lone gunslinger rolls into town that is quite formidable, and both gangs try to entice him into joining their side. And in a Romeo & Juliet way, a White and Red get married and have a child. In a great scene, the husband is killed by the leader of the Reds, and when the wife goes screaming and crying to his side, the Red keeps shooting him again and again so the blood splashes all over her face. "Red, my favorite color!" he says, which is bad-ass. But to be honest, the movie doesn't really get interesting until about 45-minutes in, when a lot more action starts taking place. The fight scenes are pretty fucking amazing (especially the finale). It was awesome to see bullets and arrows deflected by swords, like the gunslingers are fuckin’ Jedi's! Now THAT’S the way you make a western interesting! Sometimes I really wish that the Asians had taken over the world, because we would've all grown up being taught these astonishing fighting styles. It would also have been good for the white trash of our world to learn a bit about honor.

Starring Hideaki Ito, Kaori Momoi, Koichi Sato, Masanobu Ando, Masato Sakai, Quentin Tarantino, R, 2 hr. 1 min. Directed by: Takashi Miike, Release Date: Aug 29, 2008, DVD Release Date: Nov 11, 2008, Box Office: $48K

Cop Out (2010)

          I had to stay for some of the end credits to make sure this was actually a Kevin Smith (Clerks) film. He's failed at making big Hollywood films before (see Jersey Girl), and needs to stick to his hilarious indie comedies. Thankfully, I found out in the credits it wasn't WRITTEN by Smith (a first for him; directing a film he didn't write), so that explains everything. BUT STILL, if Kevin Smith's name is on a film you're expecting it to be pretty funny. Cop Out definitely IS NOT. First off, let me talk about changing the fucking title from A Couple of Dicks to Cop Out. I get the joke really; he couldn't use the name A Couple of Dicks if he wanted commercials for the film played before 9PM on television networks. Yeah, BIG FUCKING DEAL about that. So he caved in and decided to call the film Cop Out, meaning he copped out on having a good title for the film. The title doesn't even fit the film at all like A Couple of Dicks would have. I remember seeing a DVD once at Walmart, called Life without Dick, featuring Sarah Jessica Parker's smiling face on the cover. I laughed my fucking ass off and bought it immediately, and ended up loving the film (it also starred Harry Connick Jr. and Johnny Knoxville.) So, I wish Smith had some balls and stuck with the original title. I would've gone even further and called it A Couple of Dicks Shoved up Your Fucking Ass, Bitch! But, he was probably saddened by what happened with Zack and Miri Make a Porno bombing I guess because of the title (he thought). Like a Kevin Smith movie has ever made or is supposed to make over $30 million dollars. And he wanted to make a Superman movie once with Nicholas Cage! Stop it, dude, and stick with what you know. Now about the movie - it's the worst fucking buddy cop movie I've ever seen in my life. No laughs, just moans and groans about how none of the "jokes" are working. Bruce Willis even looks like he knows he's in a bad movie, and has a constant look of disappointment on his face. And Tracey Morgan is completely unbelievable as a detective, since his character doesn't even seem smart enough to be a janitor. Same problem with writing here again - Tracey Morgan is so funny on 30 Rock and SNL because he had GOOD WRITERS. This is a major embarrassment for him. Not as embarrassing for the beautiful Rashida Jones though, who has the hard task of playing his wife, even though she's about 15 years younger and Tracey Morgan is about as ugly as a sick dog. Yeah, that relationship is realistic. What pissed me off most though was the constant faux Axel Foley theme from Beverly Hills Cop playing on the soundtrack. It sounded so awful. Homage duly noted. Penelope Cruz shows up later as some kind of Mexican victim, who develops another unrealistic crush on Morgan. Weeds' Guillermo Diaz is pretty good as the lead Mexican villain, but that would've been great in a better movie. And by the way, Smith, Cop Out already bombed in its first weekend, so maybe you should've gone with A Couple of Dicks. Dumbass.

Starring Bruce Willis, Tracy Morgan, Seann William Scott, Guillermo Diaz, Rashida Jones, Kevin Pollack, Adam Brody, Jason Lee, Michelle Trachtenberg, R, 1 hr. 50 min., Directed by: Kevin Smith, Release Date: Feb 26, 2010

The Crazies (2010)

          NOTE: Crazy people infected with some kind of virus ARE NOT zombies. I was mistaken too when I saw last summer's film, Carriers, and was disappointed the infected weren't actually zombies. So, don't have this misconception. The Crazies is NOT a zombie movie. Having said that, The Crazies is an updated remake of the original creepy George A. Romero film that came out in 1973. I remember not liking it very much after I bought it at Fangoria Con a few years back. A lot of horror fans absolutely CREAM over this “cult classic”, so they will likely hate the remake. Let go of the old and make room for the new, I say. But to be fair, I really should go back and watch it again before saying how much I hated it (which I plan on basing some of this review on). But I loved this remake. Same premise here again as the original (small rural town's water supply gets infected by a government biological weapon by accident, town's people go batshit insane, and the feds come in to contain the town, ending up killing pretty much everyone.) But other than that, everything else is completely different. By different I mean much better. More action, more kills, more scares; it has everything the rather boring original didn't. (I especially hated the original's hippie folk soundtrack, which seemed very silly.) Timothy Olyphant does a great job here as the town sheriff of Pierce County. I've been liking this actor a lot more lately, especially since his awesome role in last summer's A Perfect Getaway. Although he does confusingly look a lot like Josh Duhamel at times. His wife is played by Aussie hottie Radha Mitchell, who I had just seen earlier in the day in the movie Rogue. And man, how I'd like to PIERCE her COUNTY! Anyways, the townspeople start going insane with murderous intent. Sounds like they just need some medication for bipolarism and schizophrenia. I am on a drug called Lamoctil currently, and I think dosing the population with it could've worked wonders. But I understand really, if I wasn't on these meds I'd feel like going around stabbing hospital patients with a pitchfork too. The government soon arrives to round up the infected and non-infected alike, putting them in makeshift concentration camps like in Red Dawn. They shoot anyone who fucks with them or causes a ruckus. I think the government is doing the right thing here actually. The town DOES need to be contained. Everyone needs to be shot to death and the bodies destroyed with flamethrowers. Even if they're not infected, hey - better not let any of them escape. I love our government and I would hope that this is the course of action they would take if this happened in real life. If you've seen the trailer, you know the eventual outcome of the film is the nuking of the town (you see Duhamel and Mitchell escaping a fiery blast in a truck). Of course, they end up surviving much like Indiana Jones flying through the air in a refrigerator. So, now we know TWO ways to survive a nuclear blast. Thanks, Hollywood!

Starring Timothy Olyphant, Radha Mitchell, Danielle Panabaker, Joe Anderson, R, 1 hr. 41 min., Directed by: Breck Eisner, Release Date: Feb 26, 2010, Opening Weekend: $16.1M

Rogue (Rogue Crocodile) (2008)

          Finally, a killer crocodile movie with a decent budget. There's been so many horrible ones made for the Sci-Fi (sorry, "SyFy") channel. And the big-budget Lake Placid was really kind of awful (except for every scene Betty White was in). Rogue takes place in desolate northern Australia, and follows an American journalist (Michael Vartan) who decides to go on a doomed boat tour hosted by Aussie hottie Radha Mitchell (loved her in Pitch Black). On the tour she explains that crocodiles are actually living dinosaurs, having been around for over 200 million years. Plenty of time to hone their hunting skills. This just reinforces my theory that an asteroid hitting the earth or an ice age being what wiped out the dinosaurs is utter bullshit. Scientists just made up this concept by guessing. What, were the crocodiles hiding under a rock or something when this happened? And explain the Loch Ness Monster to me, who is obviously a Plesiosaur. I think the truth of the matter is that when aliens planted human DNA on earth, they wiped out the dinosaurs so we might have a better chance of survival. Probably with their death rays, like in War of the Worlds. They just happened to miss a couple of them. Anyways, back to the movie. Rogue is notable for having Sam Worthington in a supporting role before he became a big star. It was great to finally see him in a movie speaking in his native tongue/accent, before he became a huge Hollywood movie star. He's kind of a "rogue" himself in this. He's a drunken asshole who blocks the tour boat and hits on Radha Mitchell. When the tour group sees a flare, they make the bad mistake of going to help. Of course, a giant croc nudges the boat, creating a hole and it starts sinking. The croc is over 25-feet-long, which, realistically, is how big these things can get. The group finds safety on a small island, which they need to get off of before the night's tide swallows it completely. Sadly, most of the film takes place on the island with escape plots brewing and the survivors being picked off one by one. But, it is still interesting. It’s too bad though that Sam Worthington doesn't make it too far into the film. When he uses his Avatar alien to connect with the crocodile and tries to ride it to safety, he finds it is not compatible and is quickly eaten. The movie leads up to a great finale that takes place in the crocodile's underground lair, where Michael Vartan fights for his life. And why they don't fill these rivers with crocodile poison is beyond me. Same thing should be done to sharks in the ocean - pour tons and tons of fucking shark poison into it. We shouldn't have to share the planet with these dangerous wild creatures, and I doubt the aliens will be back anytime soon to take care of them for us. It'd be nice to go swimming for once without worrying about being eaten to death by a behemoth marine animal.

Starring Michael Vartan, Radha Mitchell, Sam Worthington, Stephen Curry, John Jarratt, Heather Mitchell, Mia Wasikowska, R, 1 hr. 32 min., Directed by: Greg McLean, Release Date: Apr 25, 2008, DVD Release Date: Aug 05, 2008, Box Office: $10.4K

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009)

          I was so disappointed when I heard that Eli Roth was handing this over to other filmmakers for a sequel. While they didn't do THAT BAD of a job, I'm sure Eli would hate it. At least it opens with the last film's "surviving" character (played by the SAME ACTOR, thank you) awakening in the river, still rapidly deteriorating from the flesh-eating virus that killed everyone in the first film. His infected blood poisons the river, which is the water supply (this was alluded to at the end of the first film when some little kids go to the river to get water for their lemonade stand). Anyways, some water company bottles up the water. This is all shown in a pretty amusing animated opening titles sequence. Then the focus is switched to high school students getting ready for the big prom, and I'm kind of shocked none of them have hillbilly accents (this takes place way down south, right?) Anyways, they start drinking the water and the outbreak begins. And it doesn't help that at the actual prom the black janitor, who's infected, pisses in the punch bowl. He ends up pissing blood at the end of that. I think I'd rather have the flesh-eating virus than drinking the black guy's piss, but unfortunately, in this film, you get both. The first film's hard-partying cop pussy-lover returns (played by the SAME ACTOR, thank you again), who knows what's going on and tries to stop it. I loved when he runs into Judah Friedlander at the water plant (who thinks he's there to arrest him) and he says "She said she was 18, man! I believe everything children tell me!" This would be the first of many pedophile jokes in the movie. The first Cabin Fever had some mildly funny moments, but it turned out to be far more disturbing than anything. This one capitalizes more on the funny. The morbidly obese girl getting fucked in the pool by the hot-guy chubby chaser, the harelip teacher, the principal (Michael Bowen from Lost) cheating on his wife with the gay bear; lots of funny shit. The gross-out scenes aren't that bad either. One of the kids mistakenly thinks he got an STD, and whips his bloody dick out and squeezes pus out of the head. Man, I hate when that happens. The main character later cuts of his hand in the metal shop room using the saw, thinking the amputation will save him. Blood sprays all over him; proving that he is a dumbass. The Center for Disease Control shows up and quarantines the school. Well "quarantine" is a strong word. They pretty much just kill everyone. Eh, it was probably just because they hated rednecks though. But, this was the best prom movie I've ever seen. By a mile.

Starring Rider Strong, Noah Segan, Alexander Isaiah Thomas, Giuseppe Andrews, Alexi Wasser, Regan Deal, R, 1 hr. 27 min., Directed by: Ti West, Release Date: Oct 24, 2009, DVD Release Date: Feb 16, 2010

Irréversible (2002)

          I've heard people talking about the AMAZING RAPE SCENE in this movie for so many years; I finally had to see it. I love rape scenes. There's nothing funnier. Whether it's "SQUEAL LIKE A PIG, BOY" from Deliverance or the RIDICULOUSLY 30-minute long rape/gang-bang/orgy from I Spit on Your Grave, it's always going to be a good time. They should just do a reality show based on this. Call it "The Amazing Rape", and have teams rape their way across the world. Rape everyone in Sweden, France, and Chile (even though they're all dead), for cash and prizes! So, I was looking forward to some good rape. I was totally ready to break out the tissues (for obvious reasons). Instead, Irreversible opens with this guy on a VERY LONG search through a dirty gay sex club. As he searches basically every dark corner of the place, you see ALL of what is going on in there. Gay anal sex, blowjobs, whipping, fisting, felching, water showers, men beating off everywhere. YES they show you everything. I didn't know what the fuck was going on and was pretty sure I was watching the wrong movie. He's angrily searching for some guy named Tian, and when he finds him the guy breaks his arm and tries to rape him. His friend attacks the guy, saving him, and smashes the dude's head in with a fire extinguisher. Right in the face, over 30 times. The movie is shockingly realistic. It's not until the next scene when I realize the movie is playing backwards by scene (which explains the 5-minute long opening credit sequence I was getting so pissed off about). Which makes it nothing like Memento. Going backwards, you find out this guy (Marcus), is all pissed off because his girlfriend was raped real har-har-hard and he's seeking revenge. Eventually you get to the rape scene. It's the most fucked-up, sickest thing I've ever seen in my life. This WAS NOT funny at all. Yeah, this gay pimp pounds Monica Belluci in the ass for about 10 minutes, while doing poppers, and she screams her fucking head off the whole time while she bleeds all over him. I like sick and disturbing, I usually get a kick out of it. It never is too realistic in movies so I just get a big laugh out of it because it's too hard to take seriously. This I took seriously. It was too realistic. Especially when he cums and he's not done with her yet. He kicks her repeatedly in the face, punches her in the face, then takes her by the back of the head and bashes her face into the pavement again and again. Blood flying everywhere. Well, now that I've said all that, Irreversible was a very interesting take on filmmaking. It was boring and confusing at times, but not nearly as much as Memento was. And if I've learned anything from Irreversible, it's that France is a sick place and everyone there should be raped to death.

Starring Monica Belluci, Vincent Cassel, Albert Dupontel, Jo Prestia, Philippe Nahon, Unrated, 1 hr. 34 min., Directed by: Gaspar Noe, Release Date: Mar 7, 2003, DVD Release Date: Aug 05, 2003, Box Office: $753.5K

Dead Snow (2009)

          Finally! A horror movie with Nazi zombies! Leave it to Norway to come up with such a killer concept! The film is completely in Norwegian, but thank god it wasn't dubbed in English (I hate when they do that.) Reading the English subtitles gives you a chance to learn some of the language. (Even though it is a popular American conception that all other languages are gibberish and they just somehow understand eachother like the "talking" Velociraptors in Jurassic Park III.) Dead Snow has the classic '80s horror film set-up: 7 teens go to a cabin in the wilderness for a fun vacation and end up fighting for their lives. The snowy Norwegian setting makes it more interesting though (hell, there's even a fjord nearby.) The fat guy in the group is a huge movie buff, and there are some good references to Evil Dead 1 & 2, Friday the 13th, and April Fool's Day. And when the group finds a box of Nazi gold under the floorboards of the cabin, one of them say "fortune and glory, kid, fortune and glory" (The Goonies). Nice to see Hollywood has reached as far as Scandinavia. Soon an old man drops by the cabin with a foreboding warning about the nearby townsfolk killing all the Nazis stationed there way back in World War II. The wicked Nazi zombies soon appear to pick them off one by one. Why are the Nazis zombies? Who the fuck cares! Its Nazi zombies! You're soon treated to some creative (not to mention gory as fuck) death scenes. I loved when one of them gets pulled through the window, and dead Nazi fingers dig into his eyes and then rip his head in half. Brain drops to the floor. The best thing about that is it didn't really look fake. Dead Snow is NOT a low-budget movie. At least the guy got laid in the outhouse before his death, when the hottest girl in the group comes in and fucks him (hadn't even wiped his ass yet, possibly the grossest scene in the movie.) And since there's no black people here (or in Norway in general), the girls and the fat guy are the first to die because they are the weakest in the group. I think if a black guy went to Norway they would declare a state of emergency. People would be jumping out of windows. The best death scene in the film (hell, one of the best I've EVER seen) is where five Nazis grab one of the guys by the head, arms, and legs, and rip off every appendage at once. Also, sometimes there's only a group of 5 or 6 zombies, but later you see over a hundred pull themselves out of the snow. Every zombie movie needs a huge zombie horde scene. Basically, on every front, Dead Snow delivers. I hope a lot of Americans end up seeing it (it is a bit better than the crappy horror movies we've been churning out over here). GREAT movie; highly recommended.

Starring Ane Dahl Torp, Bjorn Sundquist, Charlotte Frogner, Jenny Skavlan, Jeppe Laursen, Stig Frode Henriksen, Unrated, 1 hr. 30 min., Directed by: Tommy Wirkola, Release Date: Jun 19, 2009, DVD Release Date: Feb 23, 2010, Box Office: $41.7K

*Review in Norwegian:

          Til slutt EN angst film med Nazi zombies! Avreise den å Norge å innhente slik en morder begrep! Filmen er absolutt inne Norsk, bortsett fra takke Gud den var ikke dubbed inne Engelske (jeg hat når de gjøre det) Lesing det Engelske subtitles gir du en sjanse å høre noen av språket. (selv om det er en populær Amerikaneren oppfattelsen det alle annet språkene er gibberish og de rettferdig på en eller anden måte oppfatte hverandre like det " snakkende Velociraptors inne Jurassic Park III.) Død Snø har det klassisk '80s angst film arrangement : teens gå til en lugar inne det ødemark for en moro ferie og havne i kampen for deres lever. Det snø Norsk innfatning lager den flere interessant skjønt (helvete , det er aften en fjord rett ved) Den fete fyr inne gruppen er en veldig film bøffellær , og der er noe fint henvisning å Dårlig Død 1 Og når gruppen finner en bokse med av Nazi gullet under det floorboards av det lugar , ettall av seg si " formue og prakten , barn, formue og prakten " (det Goonies). Hyggelig å se Hollywood har nådd så langt som Skandinavia. Snart en gamling oppgir av det lugar med en foreboding advarende om det rett ved townsfolk mordene alle Nazis papir der for lenge lenge siden inne Verden Krig II. Det ond Nazi zombies snart komme å hakke seg av ettall alene. Hvorfor er det Nazis zombies? Hvem det fuck bekymrer! Dens Nazi zombies! Du er snart behandlet å noe kreativ (ikke for å prate om gory idet fuck) død scene. JEG elsket når ettall av seg blir hevet igjennom ruten, og død Nazi finger graver i hans eyes og så rip hans leder inne halv. Hjerne oppgir å gulvet. Det best ting om det er den gjorde ikke virkelig blikk forfalskning. Død Snø er Ikke en tøddel lav - budsjett film. Det vil si fyren fikk i opplag inne det outhouse tidligere hans død , når det hottest piken inne gruppen kommer inne og fucks seg (hadde ikke aften tørke av hans esel ennå , muligens det gross scene inne det fil ) Og siden det er nei sort folk her over (eller inne Norge i alminnelighet), pikene og den fete fyr er det for det første å dø fordi de er det svekke inne gruppen. JEG overveie hvis en sort fyr gikk å Norge de ville oppgi en situasjon nødsituasjonen. Folk ville være springer ute av vinduer. Det best død scene inne filmen (helvete , en av de beste Jeg har NOEN GANG sett) av ter der hvor fem Nazis fange ettall av fyrene av hodet, armene, og ben , og plyndre enhver tilføye øyeblikkelig. Likeledes, en gang imellom det er kun få gruppe av 5 eller zombies, bortsett fra siden du forstår over hundre rykk dem selv ute av snøen. Enhver zombie film nødvendig en veldig zombie horde scene. Innerst inne, opp på enhver forside , Død Snø leverer. JEG håpe en masse Amerikanerne havne i seende den (det er en bit bedre enn det crappy angst film vi har blitt churning ut over her over). STOR film ; høylig anbefalt.

Rabid (1977)

          This is the second film from my favorite director, David Cronenberg. You can't really blame him for this mediocre crap though. A lot of directors’ first films aren't that great. It's more of a "practice" film if anything. His creativity was still pretty apparent from the start though. The concept here is a good twist on the classic old "epidemic outbreak" tale. It starts with a couple getting into a bad motorcycle accident, luckily right by some kind of hospital specializing in burn victims. I say luckily because the girl is trapped under the bike, which explodes, engulfing in her flames. She gets a bunch of skin grafts. I must have missed something though, because she soon turns into a vampiric predator, who needs human blood to survive. But, this being a Cronenberg film, she feeds through some kind of phallic member that bursts out of her skin, with a stinger that pops out of the tip. She goes on a blood-frenzy, attacking everyone she meets. Her victims quickly turn into rabid zombies, with foaming mouths and pus leaking from their eyes. They bite everyone too, quickly spreading the epidemic. I think rabies was a bigger fear among the public back in the '70s, and Rabid completely takes that and runs with it. The most interesting thing though is that the girl is a kind of "Typhoid Mary". Although she carries the disease, she is immune to all the symptoms yet can still spread it to others. But sadly, the whole film revolves around her vampiric attacks and then her victims attacking others, with nothing of any importance ever happening in between. A remake would serve this film well. Rabid reminded me a lot of George A. Romero's early '70s film The Crazies, which I liked even less than this. The upcoming remake of that looks like a big improvement. But still, David Cronenberg went on to become my all-time favorite filmmaker. FUCK Martin Scorsese, FUCK Steven Spielberg, no one else even compares.

Starring Marilyn Chambers, Frank Moore, Joe Silver, 1 hr. 31 min., Directed by: David Cronenberg Release Date: Apr 8, 1977, DVD Release Date: Oct 24, 2000

The Brood (1979)

          Canadian filmmaker David Cronenberg has long been my favorite director. Gifted at blending sci-fi and horror, he always comes up with something so horrific that it's beyond your wildest imagination. The only movies of his I haven't seen are probably his first 3, made in the '70s. They weren't really available until recently. The Brood is his 2nd or 3rd film I think. It should come as no surprise that he was always this creative. The film is absolutely shocking and disturbing. There's an image here I doubt you will be able to get out of your head for the rest of your life (I'll reveal it later). There's one in pretty much every Cronenberg movie. Who could forget Jeff Goldblum's horrendous transformation during the finale of The Fly? More personal favorites of mine include: the woman with three vaginas in Dead Ringers, the bizarre mutant reptiles in eXistenZ, James Woods' hand organically fusing with a handgun in Videodrome, and the best - whatever those crazy-looking alien dinosaurs were in Naked Lunch having anal sex and excreting an addictive substance out of their "udders". You don't think The Brood is going to be all that bizarre at first. It was kind of reminding me of another old film for awhile called "Altered States". The story follows a man's wife, with whom he is separated from and has a 5-year-old daughter with. She is a patient in a unique kind of minimum-security psychiatric facility specializing in "psychoplasmic" therapy. The wife had a bad childhood where she was abused by her mother while her father did nothing. When their daughter starts coming back from their weekend visits with bite marks and scratches on her, the father becomes suspicious. He soon finds an ex-patient who is suing the hospital for the outcome of his own personal therapy - gigantic lymphatic tumors covering his body. The movie soon gets pretty fucked up when deformed children start appearing out of nowhere to kill everyone the mother wants revenge on. You'd think you'd be able to fend off an attack from a small child. But if movies like Pet Semetery, Village of the Damned, or even the recent British film The Children have taught you anything it's that they can be quite deadly. Anyone wielding a knife or heavy blunt instrument is. Even more disturbing is that when one is captured, and soon dies, it's revealed that it has no belly button. Thus it was never born. SPOILER - at the end it is revealed that the mother has a gigantic tumor growing on the outside of her stomach. It's actually a uterus; she's been giving birth to all of these monstrosities. Chills went down my spine when she opens the sac with her teeth, removes the infant, and starts licking the afterbirth off of it. I better buy this.

*The Brood is getting a remake – slated for release in 2001.

Starring Oliver Reed, Samantha Eggar, Art Hindle, R, 1 hr. 32 min., Directed by: David Cronenberg, Release Date: May 25, 1979, DVD Release Date: Aug 26, 2003.

Crazy Heart (2009)

          This has got to be my favorite Jeff Bridges role since he was in The Big Lebowski 12 years ago. (To be honest, seeing him with a shaved head in Iron Man freaked the shit out of me a little.) I hope he's up for an Oscar for this movie, wait, let me check - yep, he is. The competition sucks too, the only one to worry about is Jeremy Renner for his role in The Suck Locker. In Crazy Heart, Jeff Bridges plays 57-year-old Bad Blake: a washed-up, formerly famous country music star, who is a raging alcoholic. He has been reduced to playing shows at small venues such as bowling alleys on his sucky tour. Meanwhile, his former bandmate, whom he taught everything he knows - Tommy (Colin Farrell), is a super-famous super-star that plays huge arenas. Bad still gets laid a lot on tour though, with old ladies who were big fans when both of them were young. In Santa Fe, he meets a young journalist (uh, young like me? 31?) played by Jake Gyllenhaal's sister who interviews him, asking some serious questions he would rather avoid. Of course, the next day she lets him fuck her. Yep, because every chick my age are attracted to fat, grey-haired, old men who have trouble breathing and look homeless. The sex scene grossed me out; it looked like she was having incest with her father. They fall in love somehow (Bad has already been married 5 times), and she turns out pretty good for him. That is until he loses her four-year-old son in the mall because he was drunk. The movie is extremely heart-breaking and completely sad. My face cringed with sadness through most of it. The worst was when he called his 28-year-old son, who he hasn't seen since the boy was 4-years-old. The son wants nothing to do with him of course, and the emotion Jeff Bridges conveys on his face, during this scene and throughout the course of the film - you can't help but sympathize with him. One of the best parts of the movie is that Jeff Bridges actually plays and sings all the songs. He's pretty fucking talented. Bridges probably has some old album released out there no one knows about. But now I recall he did the same thing in 1989's The Fabulous Baker Boys, which he starred in with his obviously-adopted brother, Beau. Colin Farrell does the same in the film - sings and plays his own songs. When Bad is offered a chance to write new songs for a big sum of money, and get to play big venues again, you wonder if he's going to actually be able to clean-up his act and do it. It doesn't seem like the film is going to go in that direction, but you might be surprised. Oh, and I hate country music, so I hated the music in the film too. Except for the song he wrote and played near the end of the movie though – it was a very sad country song, and was pretty moving.

Starring Jeff Bridges, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Robert Duvall, Colin Farrell, Beth Grant, R, 1 hr. 51 min., Directed by: Harriet Walter, Release Date: Dec 16, 2009, Opening Weekend: $82.6K

Thor: An-Thor-Logy: 1976-1985 (1976)

          Some friends told me that this was one of the funniest metal DVDs on earth, so I had to see it. But my problem is I'm such a serious metalhead that I didn't find it funny at all. Call it cheesy; I was into it. Thor is a Canadian metal band that came out in the mid-'70s a little before the metal scene blew up in the '80s. The lead singer, Thor, is such a charismatic frontman. He's a world champion body builder, a total showman, and pretty decent singer. He's pretty fucking entertaining. He was famous for his onstage stunts, which included blowing up a hot-water balloon until it explodes, bending a metal bar in his teeth, and having cinder blocks piled up on his stomach so someone can destroy them with a jackhammer and sledgehammer. And then the music videos are fucking bad-ass! I'm sure this was the part my friends were laughing their asses off at, but man; they had all the great stuff that metal videos were all about back then! With the cheesy special effects, ridiculous rock poses, gaudy leather costumes and everything! I know a lot about Canadian music now, but growing up I don't think any of us were even aware of Canada. We probably all thought Antarctica was all the way up there or something. No one gave a shit about Canada. So, sadly, Thor never became famous - which was the mainman's dream. He's still rockin' now, even though he got fat and went bald. Now THAT would be funny. Anyways, this documentary is poorly put together - it opens with a local news feature on the band and candid interview with Thor himself. A "band to watch", there's even talk of a movie deal, and this was funny - they already have their own comic book (Thor was inspired by the Marvel comic book character, but the interviewers thought that the book was based on HIM, LOL.) What follows the news clip is several long boring live videos, some of their rare music videos which are pretty good (but sadly cut-in-half), and then numerous TV appearance clips spliced in between. Like - Thor on American Bandstand, Thor guest-starring on some bizarre Canadian sitcom, or Thor modeling in a car commercial. The whole thing is just thrown together, and the news clip that opens the "documentary" is even repeated later in full. If you're actually interested in the music - good luck. After a lot of searching I only could find their 1977 debut album "Keep the Dogs Away", (which is excellent, by the way) but even then I had to download it. They have over ten albums, and are all completely out-of-print and you can't even find them in specialty shops. The best thing to do is check out all of their music videos on YouTube (only three or four are featured on this release). So there you have it, an old band no one's ever heard of or remembers. They sure as hell weren't Manowar, but they definitely did their thing.

Starring Jon Mikl Thor, DVD Release Date: Jun 24, 2008

The Wolfman (2010)

          Face it; there's never really been a good werewolf movie. They're just not as interesting as vampires, mainly because they're just mindless beasts who thrash around in kill mode. They seem to work better as supporting monsters in films like Van Helsing, The Monster Squad, or even New Moon. And past werewolf movies like Wolf with Jack Nicholson, the mediocre Underworld movies, and the low-budget Skinwalkers were kind of awful. The Wolfman rises above as the probably the best werewolf movie ever made. Hell, it's even better than Teen Wolf, which introduced werewolves to the world in the mid-'80s (I think The Wolfman is a loose remake of that). Here you have this great setting in England, taking place in the 1800s. It looks so authentic that the filmmakers probably used some of James Cameron's Avatar technology to time-travel there. The film wastes no time, and immediately opens with a brutal werewolf kill scene. It gets your attention from the start. Then we're introduced to Benicio Del Toro, the noble son of Sir Anthony Hopkins, who returns home to England from America following the death of his brother (the victim of the opening scene). I was getting pissed off for a bit wondering why Anthony Hopkins' son was a Mexican, but a flashback soon reveals that his deceased mother was a beaner, thank god. Any film Anthony Hopkins is in is all the better simply because he's in it; the guy is really the best at what he does (after the Hannibal films, his role in The Edge is my favorite of his). And he really shines here. As Del Toro goes to investigate his brother's death, he goes to the nearby gypsy camp, which soon gets attacked by the wolf. The gore is unimaginable, severed limbs strewn about as the werewolf rips into people without care. The most visceral scene is where the wolf puts his claws through someone's throat and they come out his mouth. Benicio is soon bit by the beast, who doesn't get to finish the job since the police arrive on the scene and scare it away with their rifles. Hence, Benicio Del Toro becomes the new Wolfman. I've heard many critics say that Benicio Del Toro was terribly miscast in this. Are you kidding me? Del Toro is fucking great here! As the full moon comes he starts to change, and the special effects are simply amazing. Let the killing begin! The horror aspect of the film is done so well, and I was very pleased with the consistent flow of blood. Face it, The Wolfman is supposed to be a horror film, not some tragic romance. I've got to do some research later on moon cycles though, since there seems to be a new full moon every night in the film (I thought it was only once a month?) Hugo Weaving appears as a special investigator, but I absolutely hated any scene he was part of because I couldn't remember his fucking name and was driving myself nuts trying to think what it was. "It's Mr. Anderson from The Matrix! It's the elf leader from Lord of the Rings! He did Megatron's voice in Transformers!" - I never remembered it, and actually sat through the end credits to find out. To be fair, Hugo Weaving is an odd name. Wrapping up here, The Wolfman is a very entertaining movie. Critics complained it was extremely slow-paced, but I thought the non-wolf scenes only added to the whole thing as a very strong character drama. I was definitely not disappointed by this one.

Starring Benicio Del Toro, Anthony Hopkins, Emily Blunt, Hugo Weaving, Art Malik, R, 1 hr. 42 min., Directed by: Joe Johnston, Release Date: Feb 12, 2010, Opening Weekend: $9.8M

Metropolis (1927)

          I've finally learned after watching this to never watch old movies, no matter what good things I hear about them. I fucking hate old movies! I know that! And this one is so ancient it's actually a silent film. I tried to watch a silent film once, from 1915 - the controversially racist Birth of a Nation. I thought the racism would be pretty funny, but could not get through five minutes of the crap. And Metropolis is 83 years old! I only rented it because I read that my favorite movie of all time, Dark City, was inspired by it. The only similarities are the machines beneath the city. I had high hopes, which were soon crushed. I liked it a bit at first. The score was great, and I thought that whenever the screen would change to a written narrative about the current scene it was interesting. I thought the city looked amazing. Good special effects for the time. Massive skyscrapers with freeways miles above ground. Reminded me of New York City in The Fifth Element. But about 20 minutes into the film it was seriously testing my patience. There's some thin story about the machine workers beneath the city being oppressed or something, while the upper-class weirdo’s live above ground in some kind of fake utopia. Eventually there's some female robot, who is on the cover of the video. This single image is the why I always thought the movie looked intriguing. It's pretty disappointing that the cover artwork turned out to be the only thing I liked about it. Then there's some religious shit in the film I didn't understand. To be honest I didn't understand much of anything going on at all in this, and wasn't paying much attention really for 2 hours. Instead I was thinking of how I'm wasting a big chunk of my day. At least it's supposed to take place in 2026, which hasn't come yet, so you don't get that feeling of watching an old movie that takes place in a future you've already seen pass (like for example - 2010, Soylent Green, or Predator 2 taking place in 1997). When the film started and I was still expecting to like it, a foreword said that 25% of the film is missing. Not only missing but gone forever. I was like "aw". Thank fucking god it was though, I couldn't have sat there for another half-hour. I also bought ancient film Seven Samurai over 12 years ago, and have put off watching it all these years since I discovered it was FOUR FUCKING HOURS LONG! Even though it's supposed to be the best movie ever made or something, I'm sure to fucking hate it too. And I should forget about ever watching Nosferatu either. I'm glad that everyone who made this movie is dead. Metropolis was an exhausting experience, and I think even my writing for this review has suffered because of it.

Starring Alfred Abel, Brigitte Helm, Fritz Rasp, Heinrich George, Unrated, 2 hr., Directed by: Fritz Lang, Release Date: Mar 13, 1927, DVD Release Date: Feb 18, 2003, Box Office: $28.7K

Switchblade Sisters (The Jezebels) (1975)

          Switchblade Sisters is one of the great exploitation films of the '70s. I never would have heard about it if wasn't for Quentin Tarantino, who absolutely loves the film and even got it released on video. Watching his intro and outro to the movie is recommended; he's simply just so excited about it. It's a pretty bad-ass movie. I don't really think I've ever seen a film about a gang of hot babes. They're all supposed to be in High School, so are juvenile delinquents. But everyone from that generation looked way older than they actually were, so every "18-year-old" looks like they're 30 (whereas these days every 30-year-old looks like they're 18). When the gang meets a tough chick at Weinerschnitzel and tries to intimidate her, she kicks one of their asses (the bitch with the eye patch, her name is "Patch"), thus gaining their respect and joining the gang. The gang is led by Laces, who is the "Alpha Bitch" of the group. There's a great scene when the chubby girl of the group, "Donut", begs for cheeseburgers and Laces grabs her by the nose so it looks like a snout and screams "OINK PIGGY!" There's plenty of stuff in the film that is laugh-out-loud funny. Their gang brothers are the Silver Blades, and since this is the '70s - no matter how tough these girls are, the men still like to slap them around and rape them whenever they want. Which is pretty much OK with them because that's how women liked to be treated back then. The rival gang is led by this dork named Mr. Crabs, and his gang is actually bad because they sell drugs to children and have Mexican members. I really don't see the Dagger Debs or Silver Blades doing that much bad in the film, so I totally look at them as the good guys. Of course, there ends up being a power struggle in the gang between Laces and the new girl, Maggie. It's based on jealousy. Remember, women are still so fucking sensitive no matter how many switchblades, eye patches, or chains they have. But, hell hath no fury like a woman on her period (see also, "the rag", "that time of the month", and "a visit from Aunt Flo".) I love the authentic '70s setting complete with the clothing, hair, slang, etc. Many modern movies try to replicate the look when placed in the era, and although they might come close - no cigar. Why filmmakers don't use time travel devices to actually go back to the era and shoot is beyond me. You'd think after what James Cameron did with Avatar they'd have that technology by now. Tarantino tells you in the outro that this is one of many Jack Hill movies, who discovered Pam Grier and put her in 2 killer Blaxploitation films I need to see - Foxy Brown and Cotton. Hey Quentin, I like whatever you like, man!

Starring Robbie Lee, Joanne Nail, Monica Gayle, Asher Brauner, Chase Newhart, R, 1 hr. 30 min., Directed by: Jack Hill, Release Date: Jan 01, 1975, DVD Release Date: Jul 03, 2001

Escape from New York (1981)

          Escape from New York is considered a cult-classic, as well as one of the best John Carpenter movies, and a remake is currently being planned. Who the hell is going to play Snake Plissken though? Christ, in this day and age it will probably be some faggot like Taylor Lautner or Channing Tatum. Snake Plissken is probably the character Kurt Russell is best remembered for. He's pretty awesome, I guess, but he sure isn't Jack Burton from Big Trouble in Little China. A critically-panned sequel to this came out in 1996, "Escape From L.A.". The movie was completely horrible/totally awesome as fuck (I loved Bruce Campbell as the "Surgeon General of Los Angeles", and Steve Buscemi of course.) I found it to be way more entertaining than this one and I think it had better special effects as well, no matter how cheesy the CGI was. The simple special effects did work pretty well though in the '80s. I always loved the background matte paintings of the skyline (a ravaged Manhattan, w/ the Twin Towers still standing, looks amazing.) This Matt guy was pretty fucking busy in the '80s with all these paintings. Escape from New York has pretty much the same storyline as the sequel, making the 2nd installment a rip-off or remake in itself. The island of Manhattan is the main prison in America, after crime rose 400% in the late '80s. Taking place in the future in 1997, the President is kidnapped on the island, and the police hire former war hero/current criminal Snake Plissken to go in and save him. Just like in the sequel, they give him a time-released poison that will kill him in 24 hours, as an incentive to get the job done. Escape from New York features a pretty killer cast, including Adrienne Barbeau, Isaac Hayes, Harry Dean Stanton, Donald Pleasance, and immortal vampire Ernest Borgnine. Although great, the cast of the sequel was even better. Escape from New York kind of plods along slowly, with exciting things happening not-so-often. The prison island of Manhattan is ravaged, but turns out to be not as interesting a setting as the post-earthquake Los Angeles of the sequel. A lot of the villains look like total fags and hobos. And Snake Plissken doesn't really kick as much ass as I thought he would. All-in-all Escape from New York seems seriously outdated, but must have been amazing for it's time. Hats off to Carpenter for naming two of the characters Cronenberg and Romero though.

Starring Kurt Russell, Adrienne Barbeau, Harry Dean Stanton, Donald Pleasance, Isaac Hayes, Tom Atkins, R, 1 hr. 39 min., Directed by: John Carpenter, Release Date: July 10, 1981 , DVD Release Date: Nov 21, 2000, Box Office: $25.2M

A Serious Man (2009)

          I always look forward to the new Coen Brothers movie, always have, and I've been a huge fan of them since the early '90s. Out of all their GREAT films (Raising Arizona, Barton Fink, Fargo, The Big Lebowski, Burn After Reading, to name a few), there's only been 2 I have not liked - No Country For Old Men (sorry) and The Ladykillers. A Serious Man has to be their worst movie I have ever seen. I was excited by the intriguing trailer that played before EVERY movie I went to see last fall. Then I was pissed it became a limited release and didn't play anywhere near me. So, yeah I just went out and fucking bought it this week. I should've rented. The ads say this is the Coen's return to comedy (and what, last year's Burn After Reading wasn't?) like The Big Lebowski. I didn't laugh once the whole movie. The whole movie is about Jews, with a mostly all-Jew cast. Don't get me wrong, I love Jews. Without Jews we'd all be walking around with a cock that looks like a fucking pig-in-a-blanket. Circumcision may very well be the best thing to ever happen to the world, after the television and iPod. An uncircumcised penis looks like a monster and terrifies 100% of all women. So, yeah I love Jews. I JUST HATE HEBREWS. This is got to be the wackiest fucking religion out there. It is possibly even quite worse than Muslims having their blanket seizures or when I was in Istanbul and high-pitched religious shrieking was playing on speakers on every street of the city. The Hebrew religion, with the weird backwards writing that looks like nonsensical scribbles, and the schooling which 100% of the Jewish children absolutely despise, it's stupid and disgusting. Every Jew I've ever met is not religious at all because of its bullshit. So, to have the whole movie in a complete Hebrew schooling setting was crap! Then the main character Larry - all these horrible things keep happening to him and he doesn't have time to address any of them. His wife leaving him for an elderly man, his son and daughter stealing all his money, the South Korean student whose father bribes then sues him for not letting him pass (oh, Larry is a math teacher), the threat of not getting tenure, his loser gambling brother with the sebatious cyst on his neck getting arrested for sodomy, the debt, the car accident, etc. You never like the guy and you never care about any of this shit. None of these situations work to any comedic effect. One of the things I hated about No Country for Old Men was the lack of ending. A Serious Man absolutely kills that one - (SPOILERS) in the final scene Larry gets a call from his doctor telling him to come in to discuss his X-ray. At the same time his son and his class are standing outside with a gigantic tornado heading straight for them while the teacher can't open the door to the basement. END CREDITS. WHAT THE FUCK? AND FUCK YOU!

Starring Michael Stuhlbarg, Richard Kind, Fred Melamed, Adam Arkin, R, 1 hr. 45 min., Directed by: Ethan Coen, Joel Coen, Release Date: Oct 02, 2009, DVD Release Date: Feb 09, 2010, Box Office: $9M

Near Dark (1987)

          Near Dark - the Kathryn Bigelow (Hurt Locker) directed '80s cult horror classic, and one of the top vampire films ever made. This is how vampires are SUPPOSED to be: brutal, violent, evil, murderous and wicked. Not romantic, tortured, soulful, and loving. This is an early Adrian Pasdar film, he's the guy who went on to play the flying politician Peter Petrelli (R.I.P.) on the show Heroes, and you might remember him from the '80s in roles such as this and Solarbabies. He looks so young as an innocent Texan cowboy farmer, who meets a beautiful blonde babe, named Mae, who is so turned on by him she can't help but bite his fucking neck open because she's an immortal vampire. He soon changes and is abducted by her dysfunctional vampire family, led by Lance Henriksen in one of his most memorable roles. And even Bill Paxton has said in interviews that Near Dark is his favorite movie he's ever been in. As the manic and outrageous vampire Severn, he steals every scene. The family gives Pasdar a week to make a kill before they dismember him, but he is far too reluctant to hurt anyone. This would be easy for me since their main victims are people such as mean-sumbitch black truckers, roadside rapists/murderers, and a bar full of dumb drunken hick redneck assholes. The bar scene has to be the best. Since the vampires can't be hurt, they have no fear, and walk in like they own the place and start doing whatever they fucking want - which is having an absolute bloodbath. When Henriksen orders a beer, why is he more interested in having the glass? To slit the waitresses throat and fill it with blood of course. When the bartender shoots Paxton with a shotgun, he takes his spurs to him, with a swift kick that severs his bloodline. The lone survivor escapes by jumping through the window, but does not get very far. Yeah, these are the type of vampires I'd like to hook up with. I always wanted to party with Bill Paxton anyway, he's fucking awesome. But when Caleb's (Pasdar) family comes looking for him, and are immediately abducted, he has to choose between his new family or old, which is not going to end well. SPOILERS - a blood transfusion saves Caleb in the end and cures him of vampirism, and the happy ending includes the same being done for his girlfriend Mae. They get married and live happily ever after, which was the theme of the spin-off sitcom - "Near Dark... With Children".

Starring Adrian Pasdar, Jenny Wright, Lance Henriksen, Bill Paxton, Jenette Goldstein, Tim Thomerson, R, 1 hr. 35 min., Directed by: Kathryn Bigelow, Release Date: Oct 02, 1987, DVD Release Date: Sep 10, 2002, Box Office: $3.3M

Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II (1987)

          Man, I remember when this came out on video in '87. The local store had a big cardboard standee featuring the life-size creepy-looking Mary Lou Maloney. The only cardboard standee that ever topped that, in my opinion, was Frankenhooker's (which actually said "WANNA DATE?" when you walked by it). But sadly, I never rented this. My sister did for a slumber party with her girlfriends, but sadly, I was not invited. This is the sequel to "cult classic" Prom Night starring Jamie Lee Curtis. I bought that a few years ago and thought it sucked ass (I couldn't get over how the lead actor had a unibrow, that's just about as bad when the actor in a movie takes his shirt off and he didn't shave his back hair). I actually thought the shitty remake was better. But thank god for Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II (great title as well, it rhymes!). It has absolutely nothing to do with the original save for the prom theme. The backstory set-up is great. Bad-girl lush Mary Lou is going to her prom way back in the '50s. Before she does, she goes to a local priest for confession and says a bunch of fucked up things to him, then writes her name and number in the stall "for a good time". Her date is a nice guy she's taking advantage of, but when he catches her under the bleachers making out with another dude, his heart is broken. So what does he do? HE FUCKING SETS HER FIRE! Dude, that's funny as fuck! Fast-forward to the present and you get introduced to, I forget her name, so let's call her Bottle Blonde Girl. Turns out Mary Lou's evil spirit has something to do with being trapped in some ancient treasure chest in the school's store room, and when Bottle Blonde Girl goes and fucks with it, she unleashes the evil spirit. Some pretty strange and haunting hallucinations begin to occur (very reminiscent of Nightmares 3 & 4), and it's not long before Bottle Blonde Girl is possessed and starts doing some fucked up shit. Mary Lou also has crazy telekinetic powers like Carrie. I never went to my Senior Prom, but I doubt that it would've been as fucked up and crazy as the end of Carrie or these Prom Night movies, so I'm real glad I didn't bother. Hello Mary Lou is greatly enriched by having a VERY WITTY script, which will have you laughing the whole way through. Maybe the funniest scene is after one of the prom girls has just given this nerdy guy a blow job, and goes back to her boyfriend who french kisses her and says "Your breath smells great! You got to give me one of these mints!" LOL, her breath smelled like cum! I also love when he tells her "I DRINK. I get DRUNK. So WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?!" This guy is awesome! But really the best part is when Bottle Blonde Girl (possessed of course), starts making out with her father, who doesn't fight back and passionately kisses her for like 15 seconds, and then mother walks in on them and screams "JEZEBEL!" LOL But the best thing for the guys, and admit it, this is one of the main reasons you rented horror movies if you grew up in the '80s - is the tits! Bottle Blonde Girl strips down completely naked in the locker room, the carpet matches the drapes, and she starts molesting her friend in the shower. And the pursuit where she tries to kill her friend goes on for over ten minutes, and she's TOPLESS THE WHOLE TIME! Those tits were like 3-D, and popping out at you! When the chick hides in a locker, she uses her telekinetic powers to crush the lockers together, and blood and brains starts spilling out of it! It just couldn't get more awesome! Another thing I thought was funny was when the priest says "THE BODY OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!" LOL, what the fuck does that mean? That the body of christ is so sexy, so attractive, that you're compelled to fuck him? Hell, Mary Lou begs the priest to fuck her. Too bad he's probably into little boys. All in all, this is a rare horror gem from the '80s, it totally reminds me of both Night of the Demons movies, and is a very entertaining ride.

Starring Michael Ironside, Wendy Lyon, Justin Louis, Lisa Schrage, Lou Reed, R, 1 hr. 37 min.. Directed by: Bruce Pittman, Release Date: Oct 01, 1987, DVD Release Date: Jan 12, 1999, Box Office: $2.6M

Slaughterhouse Five (1972)

          Finally, I got to Slaughterhouse Five! I only read the book like over 12 years ago. I always was so curious to see how the movie, made in the early '70s, turned out (I think it wasn't available on DVD until recently). Well, it turned out fucking great. It doesn't even seem at all dated (just like this other weird '70s sci-fi film, Black Moon), just frozen in time. Kurt Vonnegut Jr. was definitely my favorite author all through the middle part of my life, and I have never even read a better author until Carlton Mellick III came along (check him out here - http://carltonmellick.com). Vonnegut died recently, but he was around 97. So that's a happy death, really. Imagine what a life this guy has had! The adaptation of Slaughterhouse Five is almost as good as the one for his book, Breakfast of Champions. Even though I often feel like I'm the only person in the world that has THAT movie, I love it, it's one of my top-five favorites of all time, and have seen it probably 2 dozen times. Now, if you have never read Slaughterhouse Five or have not heard of the concept you will have no idea what the fuck is going on. It's about a guy (a really nice guy, I might add) who is constantly traveling back and forth through time into moments of his life, and he has no control over it. Mostly you see him in World War II, where he was a soldier and lived in a concentration camp and then a ghetto for many, many years. Then there's his life sometime later, where he's back home and happily married and having children (even though I think he loves his dog more than anyone there). Then, and this is much later in the movie, his life on the planet Tralfamadore, where he is being kept in a zoo for the viewing pleasure of the natives, who he can not see because they exist in the fourth dimension. They also abduct a famous movie starlet for the sole purpose of him mating with her. The alien/outer space part, although the rest of the book was great, was definitely my favorite part of it. It was kind of disappointing that they made up that the aliens were invisible in the movie. But this was 1972 and I think if they had attempted to do the aliens it would have looked rather silly. In the book they were short blue people with their eyes on their hands, so they would have to raise their hands way up in the air to see what was going on with Billy in the zoo. Although, other than the background of the planet's atmosphere, there's only one special effect in the movie - Billy's aging. You could hardly call it a special effect though, it's just a visual one - back in the war Billy seems so youthful looking, and later in adulthood they just make him appear older by putting some glasses on him and giving him a receding hairline. Which somehow works perfectly, as just a visual trick. Another thing I liked is how Billy can remember the future (a lot of the times he was JUST THERE), and knows that in one scene the plane he is on is going to crash. And when his "mate" on Tralfamadore, who's an astrology nut, asks him what month he was born, I knew it before he said it - JULY. Billy is so obviously a Cancerian. There's no other sign that really acts like that. She is delighted of course, Billy is a "moon child", and they fall in love and she has his baby (much to the delight of the Tralfamadorians). I also loved how the head Tralfamadorian tells Billy that the end of the world will be caused by an alien messing around with a new fuel source, and pressing the wrong button in his ship, which totally wipes out the whole universe. It will have nothing to do with earth, but destroy it as well. I've done a lot of research on aliens, all of it is made up of course, but it's still fun to read. One of things I read says that if an alien thinks it's possibly going to be captured, that they will press a button in their ship which will cause an explosion that will wipe out the entire star system. Hmmm, I wonder where whoever wrote that got THAT idea from.

Starring Michael Sacks, Eugene Roche, Ron Leibman, Sharon Gans, Valerie Perrine, R, 1 hr. 44 min., Directed by: George Roy Hill, Release Date: Mar 15, 1972, DVD Release Date: Oct 10, 2000

Public Enemies (2009)

          I was always interested in knowing more about John Dillinger, famous bank robber from the '30s. I really never even heard of the guy until I got into this band called The Dillinger Escape Plan way back in 1999. I was really intrigued by the name. Then I found out that John Dillinger was killed on my birthday, July 22nd. And when I researched this day, it was pretty much the only thing interesting to ever happen on it (sorry, but my birthday also being "National Hot Dog Day" just doesn't cut it.) So, they assembled a great cast (Johnny Depp as Dillinger, Christian Bale, Billy Crudup, etc.) and finally did the 80-year-old story of John Dillinger justice. Yes, they did that. But I'm not saying it's any good. Public Enemies suffers greatly from being what is known as one of those "Long and Boring" movies. You know you've seen movies like this before; where it's hard to sit still, much less pay attention. You just can't fucking wait for it to be over. When filmmakers make the "Long and Boring" movie, it's quite simply a crime. You're wasting everyone's time, you're not entertaining us, you're just pissing everyone off. So fucking go to hell. Look, John Dillinger was a fucking asshole. He shot innocent people in cold blood. He got all of his friends killed. He's robbing all these banks for loads of money and you never see him enjoying any of it. And I'm sick of people getting shot in movies, like in the arm or something, and them acting like it's no big deal. They're not fucking invincible, yet they act like it. If I got shot in the arm I would scream and cry and completely flip the fuck out. When this happens to Dillinger he really doesn't give a fuck. Hell, even Die Hard cried a little after getting a bunch of glass in his feet and he's a million times tougher than Johnny Depp, who seriously has the upper-body strength of a woman. This also takes place before there was a "Federal Bureau of Investigation". The government thought it was stupid and a waste of money. So, instead they're simply just the "Bureau of Investigation". They're not the FBI - they're just "BI". Christian Bale plays one of the head bisexuals, and he's SO boring in this that he really should change his name to Christian FAIL. It is cool that the Avatar villain is in this for a little bit; he has some good scenes I guess. But why the hell is Stephen Dorff in this for like, literally, 2 seconds? They flash his face when he's sitting in a car. Does everyone in Hollywood hate him so much (I mean, c'mon, he DOES seem like a total dickhead) that they decided to fuck with him by putting him in a big-budget picture for 2 seconds? If that's the case, then that is absolutely funny as hell. I'm not spoiling anything by saying John Dillinger dies at the end (AFTER 2 HOURS AND 10 FUCKING MINUTES!) As he's being followed down the street by all the cops this big, dramatic, and moving music starts playing, like it's going to be all sad. I couldn't wait for him to fucking die, just kill him already! I was SO HAPPY when the Avatar villain shoots him in the back of the fucking head and the bullet flies out of his cheek. YES! But wait, another ten minutes to go. And anyone who thinks that Johnny Depp is the "Sexiest Man Alive" is mental. Maybe the "Girliest Man Alive", that's much more fitting. Don't get me wrong, I love him as actor. But this "Sexiest Man Alive" garbage is like a popularity contest or something, nothing more.

Starring Johnny Depp, Christian Bale, Billy Crudup, Stephen Dorff, Giovanni Ribisi, Leelee Sobieski, Channing Tatum, R, 2 hr. 23 min., Directed by: Michael Mann, Release Date: Jul 01, 2009, DVD Release Date: Dec 08, 2009, Box Office: $97M

Poltergeist II: The Other Side (1986)

          Poltergeist II: The Other Side is a pretty decent sequel, and definitely made an impact, but the first one was SO great that it really doesn't match-up. It has a lot of good points; exploring the background story of the ghosts that haunted the Freeling family in the original was an interesting idea. Turns out a religious cult leader named Kane led his followers to California in the early 1800s, convinced that the end of the world was coming. He traps everyone in an underground cave, and when the day doesn't come, he lets everyone die. This is directly where the Freeling house was built atop of 200 years later. And they need young Carol-Anne to feed off her light. Another cool thing was the revelation that she is clairvoyant; she can feel colors and just altogether "knows things". The family is now free-loading off of JoBeth Williams' mother, and it isn't long before the ghosts find them. A really cool Indian guy shows up to help them, who is working with the first movie's midget psychic Tangerina (played by Zelda Rubinstein, who died, literally JUST died like 2 weeks ago - today is 2/8/10). I always loved Indian characters in movies, and this guy is so awesomely noble. He even quit drinking years ago; which was a good idea because that kills every Indian like, ever (although I'm pretty sure his medicine pouch is filled with peyote). Craig T. Nelson acts like a major dick in this one, constantly yelling about everything and being ridiculously skeptical. This is funny after what happened to him in the first one. The Other Side was made 4 years after the original, and while the cinematography has definitely improved, it seems the special effects are not as good. I think the main problem here though is that they are simply not as creative. When I saw Bobby's braces shoot metal wires everywhere and try to kill everybody I kind of laughed my ass off. The most memorable scene is definitely where the dad drinks a whole bottle of tequila and eats the worm. He pukes up a gigantic worm monster that grows and grows and it is horrifying as fuck. Scared the shit out of me when I was little. The ghosts appear to be VERY powerful, and seem to be trying VERY hard to kill the Freeling family and take Carol-Anne. You'd think with all that power they'd be able to get the job done, but no. This is kind of explained by saying that the family's "Power of Love" overcomes all obstacles - a concept invented by Huey Lewis in the mid-'80s. But still, when a flying chainsaw is coming after you in the garage and you finally are able to peel out of there, I would think it would come hauling down the street after you. I am also pissed off by how the ghosts are destroying the new house, which they inherit from JoBeth William's mother. I mean, they're almost broke and got really lucky there with that one. They don't need gigantic worm monsters busting through the ceiling and skeletons popping out of the closets every five seconds. The one great effect in the movie is the stunning visual at the end, where the Freeling family has entered the other dimension and are floating there against a threatening sky, while being attacked by a gigantic crazy-looking monster-thing. I've had dreams like that. Poltergeist II, although the story is good, seems to be just going through the motions. Sequels are usually required when the original makes a lot of money, but I'd say Poltergeist II is a lot better than there being NO sequel. It made some money as well, which resulted in the very forced and unnecessary third installment. That was even a little hard to watch since Heather O'Rourke (Carol Anne) died just months before it’s' release in a bad medical mishap.

Starring JoBeth Williams, Craig T. Nelson, Heather O’Rourke, Oliver Robins, Zelda Rubinstein, Will Sampson, Geraldine Fitzgerald, Julien Black, PG-13, 1 hr. 31 min., Release Date: May 23, 1986, DVD Release Date: Aug 26, 2003, Directed by: Brian Gibson, Box Office: $40.9M

Happy Birthday to Me (1981)

          I always look forward to more slasher flicks from the '80s that I've never seen before. I've queued Silent Night, Deadly Night, Sleepaway Camp, Witchboard, My Bloody Valentine, and a few others. So when I heard Happy Birthday to Me was finally being released on DVD, I couldn't resist. I should've, because this is probably the worst movie I have seen from the whole decade of the '80s. First off, it's from the makers of the original My Bloody Valentine, which I have heard is one of the rare cases where the remake is much better than the original. Second off, I was expecting something totally different. Maybe the cover art that featured someone skewered with a shishkebab through the mouth was misleading. I thought it would be more like, I don't know, Eli Roth's fake trailer for "Thanksgiving" on the Grindhouse movie. You know, like a birthday party that goes horribly awry where the guests get picked off one by one, and it would be campy and funny. Instead the plot is so complex, as are the characters. It is very hard to follow. It's about 10 college (or high school?) students who are in a private school in America? (It seems like they're in England or Ireland because the entire faculty have accents.) When members of the group start getting killed off for no reason you kind of scratch your head a little. And when you see only the killer’s hands in black gloves it reminds you completely of a Dario Argento movie (all the killers' hands in Argento's films were his own). It turns out one of the students is the killer, which is confusing since so many of the other students appear to be the killer by joking around by coming at eachother with knives and showing off fake decapitated heads, and you don't know they're joking because of the ominous music playing. SPOILERS AHEAD YOU SHOULD READ - Turns out the female lead character is the killer (maybe?) since she had a bad accident on her birthday a year ago and had to have brain surgery that made her so brain crazy that she's either hallucinating these killings or actually doing them herself. At the end of a VERY long runtime (for one of these types of movies), it is revealed that her TWIN SISTER is the killer. She sets up all the dead corpses of her friends at the table for their birthday party, in what is probably the only good visual alluding to the title in the whole movie. But wait, the twin sister pulls off a latex mask, revealing that she is NOT her twin sister, but someone else (uh, WHO?) Someone who is still her sister, but not her twin? It's so fucking confusing. And none of the death scenes are all that great, just some stabbings, throat slashings, and a weight lifter having his barbell crushed his throat. Happy Birthday to Me is a bad movie from a good era that is best to be forgotten. Although I'd bet you anything they'll be doing a remake of it soon.

Starring Melissa Sue Anderson, Glenn Ford, Lawrence Dane, R, 1 hr. 51 min., Directed by: J. Lee Thompson, Release Date: Jan 01, 1981, DVD Release Date: Oct 26, 2004

Legion (2010)

          I would pretty much say I am a strict atheist, but if I believed in these things - such as angels, god, and heaven, I would like to think that the whole thing would be as kick-ass as what you see here in Legion. This is what makes this the best "biblical" story I've ever seen in my life. There was a movie called The Prophecy that came out in the mid-'90s that sort of had the same concept, but definitely didn't deliver on the goods - on either the story or effects (the only thing cool you ever got to see in it was a very brief scene of a horde of angels flying far up in the sky). Here you get to see what heaven looks like, and the angels who can use their wings as weapons looked so completely realistic I just want to see it over and over and over. I think the story is epic. God decides to put an end to humanity, because he has lost faith in them, and he sends his army of angels to carry out his orders. The only one who can stand in his way is an unborn child who apparently will be able to lead us out of the darkness. One angel rebels because he has too much love in his heart to follow along with this, and goes to earth to protect the child. This is Paul Bettany's role of a lifetime (I never cared much for the guy before). The child belongs to a truck-stop waitress in the middle of nowhere (Arizona desert), and seeing such an apocalyptic movie taking place almost entirely in a diner was really a bold move. Angels start possessing humans to attack, and you get one of those great "strangers-trapped-together-trying-to-survive" movies. Lucas Black (who played the kid in Sling Blade) has a great character - he's such a good person, and that seems to be rare in this world these days. He is so selflessly in love with the waitress and expects nothing in return. Michael (Paul Bettany) tells him he is the reason why he still has faith in humanity. It's these 2 characters that bring a lot of much-needed emotion to such a horrific film. But of course, Michael is a tough "action-hero" type angel, with an arsenal of weapons (pretty cool to see an angel packing heat). Legion does follow the code of your typical horror movie, as the characters are picked off one-by-one, but you do find yourself caring about them and become very invested in what is going to happen. Hell, I even had to go to the bathroom during it and couldn't leave because I just couldn't wait to see what was going to happen next. Kevin Durand (Keamy from Lost, Smokin' Aces) later appears as the Archangel Gabriel, and much like the X-Men's Archangel, he is completely menacing. I mentioned before how realistic the wings looked; the special effects are so good you don't really have to suspend your disbelief - that looks like a real motherfucking angel. The fight scene is so amazing, Gabriel can use his wings to reflect bullets, and they're so sharp they can slice through anything imaginable. He also has this pretty awesome gauntlet. And yes, there is a great scene of hordes of angels swarming against the sky. Good to see something like that finally done justice. The film also stars Dennis Quaid and Charles S. Dutton (Roc).

Starring Paul Bettany, Dennis Quaid, Lucas Black, Tyrese Gibson, Kate Walsh, Adrianne Palicki , Charles S. Dutton, Willa Holland, R, 1 hr. 40 min., Directed by: Scott Charles Stewart, Release Date: Jan 22, 2010, Box Office (as of 1/31/10): $29M

The New Kids (1985)

          The New Kids is a mid-'80s semi-horror flick directed by the great Sean Cunningham, who did one of my favorite movies - the first Friday the 13th. It's also notable the screenplay was written by Stephen Gyllenhaal - Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal's father. It must have been pretty easy for them to get into the business since their daddy had Hollywood connections. The story follows a teenage brother and sister, who come from a military family. When their parents die in a car accident, they have no choice but to move to Florida with their Uncle and Aunt. The girl is played by Lori Laughlin, who would later go on to play Jessie's girl on Full House. You also get to see a young Eric Stoltz as a classmate, fresh off of being fired from playing Marty McFly in Back to the Future. The uncle owns a run-down amusement park called "Santa's Funland", which looks scary. You get the feeling that any minute an alligator is going to wander out of the woods and eat some babies. That's why Florida is fucked up - alligators outnumber humans a trillion to 1, Banana Spiders are the scariest looking spider on earth, there's Tasmanian Devils, backwoods Deliverance rednecks, everything. And the town rednecks are the antagonists here. Even though the good-looking siblings become instantly popular at their new school, the group of 5 rednecks immediately set their sights on the girl, and you just get the feeling she's probably going to get raped before the film is over. The gang is led by pretty boy James Spader, and this is probably one of the first films where he played the evil asshole bad guy. He even owns a rape van. After the girl turns down the scumbag's advances, it's on. They start terrorizing the siblings, doing everything from keying their car, vandalizing the amusement park, and even killing the pet bunny and throwing it in the shower with the girl. So, basically it's just one of those movies where the villains are so despicable and annoying that you can't wait for them to finally get their comeuppance; meanwhile you're just left pissed off the whole entire time. The siblings finally do get even in a long, drawn out final showdown, but there are some pretty good death scenes (the rollercoaster track decapitation was my favorite.) The New Kids is not one of the greatest '80s movies (no one sure as hell remembers it), but it still is pretty decent.

Starring David H. MacDonald, Eddie Jones, Eric Stoltz, James Spader, John Philbin, Lori Loughlin, Lucy Martin, Shannon Presby, Theron Montgomery, Vincent Grant, R, 1 hr. 29 min., Directed by: Sean S. Cunningham, Release Date: Jan 01, 1985, DVD Release Date: Oct 04, 2005, Box Office: $199.1K

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Moon (2009)

          Yes, I wholeheartedly believe that the future will be so great, a perfect world where everything has improved 100%, and I will get to see it in my lifetime. I’m very optimistic. I don’t think the world is going to end in 2012 (it’s so ridiculous, it’s like Y2K times 2012 – which would be 4,024,000!) Sure, some bad things might happen, like nuclear war, earthquakes or tsunamis. But they will most likely happen to some country no one gives a shit about, like France. Moon never says what year it takes place in, but it doesn’t look like it’s too far off in the future. The concept makes a lot of sense to me and should be implemented (maybe if people would donate more money to science instead of hopeless 3rd world countries there would be a better chance.) In Moon, they have figured out how to harness the energy of the sun for all power on earth (and yes, that includes cars.) Sun rays are just collected on the moon’s surface and bounced back to earth. There’s this fucking awesome moon station, and only a crew of 1 needed. Sam Rockwell plays the astronaut/scientist who is stationed there for a 3-year assignment. He likes whittling and botany, has a wife and newborn child back home on earth, and seems like an all-around nice guy. He’s pretty lonely save for his robotic friend Gerty (voiced by Kevin Spacey), who is there to serve him. And this isn’t some cheesy-looking robot you see in a lot of sci-fi movies that look like Robby the Robot or something, it’s more realistic – it looks like one of those machines they use in factories to put together cars. When Sam’s (Sam Rockwell’s character name is Sam) moon-car gets in an accident, the movie takes an interesting turn (and I’m giving a lot away here so maybe you should stop reading), a clone of Sam is immediately awoken to take over the station. But the clone knows something is up, and goes out to the accident site to save the other Sam. Now knowing that they are both clones, the movie gets pretty deep and emotional, as they strive to figure out exactly what is going on. And as cool as you would expect it to be to have a clone, the 2 do not always get along and sometimes have violent fights. The scenes where Sam Rockwell interacts with his clone are done more flawlessly than I have ever seen in another movie. I almost believed Sam Rockwell had a twin brother and they hired him for the role (even “Sam’s Clone” in the end credits is listed as being played by Robin Chalk.) Of course, the original Sam starts deteriorating (built-to-last only 3 years), and the new Sam clone plots an escape to earth to let the world know the truth. You really feel sorry for them, even though they’re clones; they still have all of Sam’s memories and feelings. This is such a well-done and original sci-fi movie that has a lot of what other sci-fi films are lacking – emotion. Very moving picture, my only regret is renting instead of buying.

Starring Sam Rockwell, Kevin Spacey, Matt Berry, Robin Chalk, Dominique McElligott, Kaya Scodelario, Malcolm Stewart, Benedict Wong, R, 1 hr. 37 min., Directed by: Duncan Jones, Release Date: Jun 12, 2009, DVD Release Date: Jan 12, 2010, Box Office: $5M

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The Book of Eli (2010)

          This is another post-apocalyptic film set in the future, exactly like the very recent movie The Road. I loved The Road, and you could argue that The Book of Eli is just as good if not better. That fucking bleak setting again; I fucking love it. The sky so white and grey the sun doesn't break through at all. The absolutely destroyed landscape. Ash raining from the sky. In The Book of Eli this IS explained (unlike The Road) - nuclear war devastated the planet (probably those goddamn terrorists). You see immense craters everywhere. A lone warrior sets out on an arduous journey westward through wastelands filled with murderous thieves and cannibals, in what has got to be Denzel Washington's best role since Man on Fire. He is definitely on fire once again in this; he's totally fucking bad-ass and the last guy you want to mess with. You DO NOT want to fight this guy. He kills everyone there. He has lightning-fast reflexes and never misses. When he takes on several scumbags at once with his machete it's a fucking bloodbath with severed limbs falling to the ground and decapitated heads taking flight. So, now that that's established (also know that he's one of the good guys), he's an avid reader of the one book he carries and loves his iPod. When he reaches a "civilized" town, he has an interesting run-in with its leader, Gary Oldman (in another great role), after he kills much of the town's population for fucking with him. This leads Gary Oldman to be quite impressed with him. The character has been searching for books for years, all kinds of books, and it turns out the one he needs is the one Denzel Washington carries. But he's letting no one have it; his mission is to bring it all the way to the west and share the word of the book with the people there. Mila Kunis escapes from the town to follow him, and turns out to be a great sidekick. Kunis got her start on That '70s Show (she still looks the same age too) and her movie career has really blossomed the last few years. Not as famous as Topher Grace or Ashton Kutcher, she definitely is in much better movies though. Ray Stevenson (Rome, Punisher: War Zone) also has a great role as a brutish, but soulful, goon. There is a great twist at the end you never see coming, which makes me really want to watch the whole thing over again with the knowledge of this stunning revelation. And this film will definitely appeal to religious folk (the book in the movie is The Holy Bible). That kind of pissed me off as an atheist, but whatever, still cool. Also, I think I mentioned how every actor in this was in "another great role" too much, but it is what it is.

Starring Denzel Washington, Gary Oldman, Mila Kunis, Ray Stevenson, Jennifer Beals, Michael Gambon, R, 1 hr. 58 min., Directed by: Albert Hughes, Allen Hughes, Release Date: Jan 15, 2010, DVD Release Date: May 8, 2010, Box Office (as of 1/31/10): $74.5M

The Lovely Bones (2010)

          Some of the worst reviews to read can often be the ones where the critic is so overwhelmingly in love with the film that he offers nothing but heaps of praise upon it. Sadly, this is one of those reviews. Who doesn't love Peter Jackson after what he did with the Lord of the Rings trilogy? Well, I loved him long before that, with wild comedic horror flicks like Bad Taste, Dead Alive, and Meet the Feebles. But the LOTR trilogy was just astounding. Peter Jackson has got to be one of the biggest visionaries in cinema of the last decade, probably next to Guillermo Del Toro. So, when I saw the preview for The Lovely Bones, which displayed the wild environment of this heavenly otherworld and mixed it with deep emotion and sadness, I knew I was going to love it. I already knew. I had already given it 5 stars in my mind. Finally getting to see it after over 7 months of trailers is definitely "a day to remember" (you know, like Bilbo Baggin's 111th birthday party?) Having all three screenwriters behind The Fellowship of the Rings writing this, including Jackson, is another great thing about it. Hey, they all won fucking Oscars for that script so that should tell you a lot right there. Everyone should know the story by now - a 14-year-old girl gets murdered by the neighborhood pervert and gets trapped in the "between place", kind of like the purgatory, or in this case, the last stop between earth and heaven, while everyone searches for her and her killer in tears. The film is deeply thoughtful and sad, and woefully narrated by the victim, who was so full of joy, so full of life. The otherworld she finds herself in is like an extension of her imagination and her fantasies (with the darkness included as well), yet she can still look back on her loved ones. The thing that fascinated me the most though was that the story took place in 1973 Morristown, Pennsylvania. My parents were living in that town that very year, and I grew up VERY closeby 5 years later. Every house, field, road, hill, and forest reminded me vividly of my childhood. I don't remember ever being anywhere in my life where all the houses looked like that. Plus the '70s feel of that time is very present in the film, as things are how I remembered them looking back then as the '70s flowed into the '80s. I usually hate Mark Wahlberg, but he does a great job here as the distraught father. I hardly ever see him show any emotion in a film (because he's a fucking Gemini, just let me point that out), but when he cried in this I felt like crying as well. Stanley Tucci was more than perfect as the killer. Of course with the look (pedophile moustache, serial killer glasses, murderer haircut), but he brought so much more to the role than that. It has said in synopses of the movie that he is a pedophile and that the girl is raped, but this is never shown or mentioned in the film. Other than that, I'm shocked once again by a film I like being bad-mouthed by the critics and friends listening to what those fuckers are saying. But hey, that happens all the time. Don't listen to me or them, go and decide for yourself.

Starring Mark Wahlberg, Rachel Weisz, Saoirse Ronan, Susan Sarandon, Stanley Tucci, Michael Imperioli, Amanda Michalka, PG-13, 2 hr. 15 min., Directed by: Peter Jackson, Release Date: Dec 11, 2009, Box Office (as of 1/31/10): $38M

Space is the Place (1974)

          I never understood the term "Blaxploitation", since many of the films made in the '70s that were slapped with this label were made by blacks themselves. I don't think that they were "exploiting" themselves. And this was long before someone came up with that ridiculous P.C. term "African-American". I heard a black comedian joke recently that one day he woke up and he wasn't black anymore, he was "African-American" - which was like 6 more fucking syllables. If you have to go out of your way to say "African-American", you quite possibly ARE racist. One thing for sure though, Space is the Place has got to be the very definition of a "cult classic". Love it or hate it, it definitely is one. And one of the better ones at that. The premise here is just great. Sun-Ra, an outer-space prophet has discovered a lush and beautiful planet (where even the flowers blossom into glasses full of wine), and decides to go to earth and transport its people there before the planet's destruction. The effect of seeing his breast-shaped ship fly over the land shooting pulsating energy beams out of its nipples makes this the perfect film to watch on acid. Sun-Ra was a real life musician, basically playing himself in the movie, and believes he can move our people to this other world simply through music. The film actually inspired a mid-'80s Jonzun song with the same title (Jonzun was the band whose big hit was "Jam-on-it"). Of course, the offer isn't just open to blacks, but people of all races. But meanwhile Sun-Ra is playing a cosmic game with "The Overseer", a devilish entity who wishes to see him fail. I loved the scene where they are playing with tarot cards and The Chariot card is a picture of a big Cadillac. The word nigger is thrown around a lot in the film, making it seem like this has ALWAYS been black people's absolute favorite word to say. This is also a lot of white people's favorite word to say as well, which is bad, but then hey - stop saying it all the time black people.

Starring Barbara Deloney, Sun Ra, Raymond Johnson, Erika Leder, Christopher Brooks, La Shaa Stallings, R, 1 hr. 25 min., Directed by: John Coney, Release Date: Dec 01, 1974, DVD Release Date: Oct 28, 2003

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Plaguers (2008)

          Since I've subscribed to Fangoria Horror Magazine last year, I've rented a lot of the low-budget indie horror movies I've read about in it. Surprisingly, most of them were pretty good (like Deadgirl, Martyrs, Sick Girl, or Grace). But every once in awhile one sucks so badly I rethink taking the mag's recommendations seriously. Plaguers is a case in point. It takes place in the future (never says when) aboard a starship (whose mission is never stated) carrying a weird glowing green orb (what it is - never explained) that stops to save a bunch of survivors on a ship that resembles a giant butt-plug. Steve Railsback is the only noticeable star in this (he played alien-abductee Duane Barry on one of the best X-Files 2-parters, and the title character in Ed Gein), but the rest of the actors in the film are so bad it's as if they were all hired directly from a porno movie set. Turning this movie into a porno would've been the only way to save it. The survivors are space nurses or something, and their long silver boots are the only thing even remotely futuristic-looking in the entire film (I mean, the spaceship sets look like they're made out of cardboard). The chicks turn out to be as evil as they are bad actresses, and take over the ship for no reason. The green orb leaks green piss all over someone, turning them into bad-looking zombies. Basically they just have some blood on them and gigantic hick teeth. Steve Railsback turns out to be a synthoid, blatantly ripping off Aliens. The 2 wires sticking out of his shirt when he is wounded are fucking hilarious (I mean, terrible and sad). To be honest, I had to fast-forward through much of the last half-hour. I've seriously NEVER done this to a movie in my life. First at x1.5 speed, so I could still hear what everyone was saying. When I realized no one had anything important to say, I switched to x10 speed. When it looked like nothing much was happening other than some ridiculous zombie fights and walking around the ship, I switched to x30 speed and thankfully the end credits came up pretty fucking quick. I feel so sorry for Steve Railsback, man. Check out his filmography; I'm pretty sure he was in some decent movies back in the '80s.

Starring Steve Railsback, Alexis Zibolis, Bobby James, Unrated, Directed by: Brad Sykes, Release Date: Mar 10, 2008, DVD Release Date: Dec 08, 2009

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World’s Greatest Dad (2009)

          I always liked (well, ONLY liked) Robin Williams in serious roles. Although, I can only think of one - Awakenings (I didn't like that Good Will Hunting crap). World's Greatest Dad is shockingly written and directed by near-forgotten Bobcat Goldthwait, who I always thought was one of the funniest personalities of the '80s (see: Burglar, One Crazy Summer, Police Academy 2). The last thing I remember him writing and directing was 1990's Shakes the Clown, which is actually a pretty funny movie. World's Greatest Dad has a great concept but the whole thing just ends up pissing you off the whole time. It's about a dad (Robin Williams), who is a failed writer, who turns his son's pathetic death by auto-erotic asphyxiation into an outlet to show off his writing skills, by writing a fake suicide note and journal. First off, the kid is a terrible stupid fucking asshole and you can't wait for him to die. He's a sick pervert who masturbates to everything from German Shizer porn (shit porn) to the fat old lady across the hall. He hates music and thinks anyone who likes it is a fag. He is a mean bully to his best, and only, friend. Everyone at school hates him and picks on him, and for good reason. He constantly calls his dad a stupid fucking idiot, and takes a picture up his girlfriend's skirt and dies masturbating to it. But what parent doesn't love their child no matter what their flaws are? When Robin Williams finds his son dead, he pulls up his pants, hides his wank material, and hangs him the closet to make it look like a suicide. He writes a thoughtful suicide note and plants it on him. He suffers a lot of grief, but you don't really feel for him because his son got what he deserved. Later, the note gets stolen from the coroner's office and published in the school paper, making his son "an hero" with a thoughtful poet's soul. This makes the whole school fall in love with him, which turns out great for Robin Williams since this fills up his failing poetry class. He ends up loving all the attention for his writing, and probably goes too far by publishing a fake journal he wrote in his son's name. Since he's lying his ass off to the whole world, giving people all these deep feelings on the matter, you just end up looking at him like the biggest jerk ever. One could easily predict the truth would eventually come out, ruining him, but I never knew for sure if that would happen or not. And I could've done without the gratuitous nude scene at the end with Robin William's penis flopping around.

Starring Robin Williams, Daryl Sabara, Alexie Gilmore, Henry Simmons, Ellie Jameson, Evan Martin, Lorraine Nicholson, R, 1 hr. 38 min., Directed by: Bobcat Goldthwait, Release Date: Aug 21, 2009, DVD Release Date: Dec 08, 2009, Box Office: $219.7K

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Carriers (2009)

          A zombie movie without any fucking zombies in it? Are you kidding me?! What the hell?! Carriers stars Star Trek's Chris Pine, part of a group of four survivors traveling cross-country to the beach where he and his brother liked to surf when they were younger. Which makes them all stupid. Chris Pine is such a dick in this I couldn't fucking wait for him to die. But he turns out to have the right attitude, as his pussy-ass compassionate brother breaks one of their rules for staying alive by helping out bisexual prison escapee Christopher Meloni, whose daughter is infected. Bad move, since this will obviously lead the rest of their crew to be susceptible to the contagion as well. Of course, one of the dumb bitches in the group gets the kid's blood on her, knows she herself is infected, but decides not to tell anyone. In such a dull, slow, boring movie you start finding some serious scenes to be rather funny. Such as when a bunch of rednecks chase down an Asian guy, shoot him, and crucify him with a sign around his neck that says "Chinks Brought It". Or when Chris Pine shoots two nice Christian ladies in the face for their gasoline. And if pretty much everyone in the world is dead, then where are all the fucking bodies? You do see them pass some houses with big X's painted on them - much like after Hurricane Katrina where you would see the same markings that told you how many bodies are inside. This movie would be far more interesting if they actually showed some zombies after them, but instead you get treated to fun scenes like when the group plays golf. The movie is short (an hour and 20 minutes), but since it is so boring seems much longer. After an hour into this I just couldn't wait for them all to die so it would all be over.

Starring Chris Pine, Lou Taylor Pucci, Piper Perabo, Emily VanCamp, Christopher Meloni, PG-13, 1 hr. 24 min., Directed by: Alex Pastor, David Pastor, Release Date: Sep 04, 2009, DVD Release Date: Dec 29, 2009, Box Office: $90.8K

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Youth in Revolt (2010)

          Michael Cera movies have been pretty hit-or-miss since he became famous on the much-acclaimed Arrested Development series 7 years ago. Superbad pretty much shot him to superstardom, and Juno was a big hit. But then a string of bombs went off with Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, Year One, and now, Youth in Revolt. It's actually not that bad of a movie like the last two, but greatly suffers from coming out at the time that Avatar is dominating the box office (making up 80% of all ticket sales last weekend). Anyone who is a fan of Arrested Development is a big fan of Michael Cera, and although he's 21 now he's still so young looking that you'll probably see him in teen roles for the next decade. Youth in Revolt is a funny enough (or mildly funny) movie about teenage rebellion. It's also based on a very wordy, intellectual book that they turned into a very wordy movie. Michael Cera and his love interest talk in this in a very intellectual (pompous) way with a sharp wit. But you soon see this speech pattern flowing into some of the other characters in the movie, proving the writer didn't know how to write everyone else's dialogue any other way. This was always my main complaint (or, only complaint) about Kevin Smith films. No one could talk any different from eachother. In fact, every character talked exactly like Kevin Smith. Enough about that though, Michael Cera goes to ridiculous lengths to win the heart of the girl he likes in this, by creating an alter-ego named "Francois", who has a moustache and bad attitude. He is willing to do things his normal self would be too afraid to do. This leads to some pretty funny (or mildly funny, again) stuff that involves arson, drugging, and theft. But is the character schizophrenic, and actually seeing this other person? Or is he just pretending? Probably the latter. Just like the same imagined dialogue with an invisible person that's so often used on Dexter with his dead father. It was great to see Zack Galafinakis in a small role playing his mom's boyfriend, a low-life slob truck driver. Ray Liotta has another great part as the cop next in line to bang his mom. But best of all, one of my favorite actors, Steve Buscemi, appears in one of his first roles in years as the real dad. I think the funniest scene of the movie is where the two of them get into a sissy slap fight. Not much else to say here. The character has rather faggy interests. Huh, that's it.

Starring Michael Cera, Portia Doubleday, Ray Liotta, Steve Buscemi, Zach Galafinakis , Ari Graynor, Jean Smart, Justin Long, R, 1 hr. 30 min., Directed by: Miguel Arteta, Release Date: Jan 08, 2010, Box Office: $14.8M

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (2009)